Chapter Ii Poem by Melanie Walendowsky Baker

and yet, after all that i’ve been through
after all that i’ve felt
do you think for just one second
these fears would ever melt?

in pursuit of the unknown
on these endless dark roads
this blindness takes me within
to where the night-time unloads

and all the stars that used to weep for me
now just laugh in shame
but after all, i’ve tried
so am i really to blame?

can these fears ever unfold
and somehow set me free?
will i ever someday
be able to be just me?

and when i look to the stars
so bewildered and blind
i ask for very little:
for my own peace of mind

because with these foolish words
i give myself away
if you knew the coward in me
tell me, would you stay?

with the disdain of what i am
i manage to carry on
and i never know what to say
when you tell me i’m withdrawn

it’s hard for me
yet no one understands why
to be able to let go
even when i cry

maybe i’m not the only one
who feels abnormal and out of place
maybe i’m not the only one
who hides the fears behind my face

yet why do i feel so alone
and so tired of all the playing?
why can’t i say what i’m feeling
instead of not meaning what i’m saying?

and so it goes, and so it goes
with all these words now said
and night carries on
and takes with it this heart of lead

yet it feels and it breaks
but the stars just don’t see
that that’s why this fear
has become a part of me

i know they’ll respect me
perhaps when i’ve grown old
because there’s still that little chance
my heart will become gold.

(London – 12 August,1997)