Cow-Webs. Poem by Christopher Thumwood

Once there was a spider who lounged on a leaf, and one day so reclined he fell in love with a beast
A beautiful, marvellous, bovine beauty; a grass chomping, cud chewing, sensuous cutie.
The Spider planned before making his move; ‘Why yes Mr Spider' the lovely cow cooed,
They wandered away and in a week they were wed, they moved to a lean-to complete with a bed.
They were very happy this Spider and Cow and they had a child, though I've no idea how;
It was a curious creature this offspring of theirs, as it stumbled around on eight legs; in pairs.
It had udders, an abdomen and black and white spots, it liked playing in fields and eating flies lots,
It had a tail and hooves on each of its feet, it partly loved grass and partly craved meat.
One day when out walking the farmer spied; a Spider, a Monster and the Spiders proud bride
He scratched his head whilst watching the scene; watched the spider, the cow and the thing on the green.
He went to all the papers and to the television crews, and the very next day it was front page news,
Some cried miracle and some cried hoax; but some offered money and these the farmer liked most.
The creature was famous, his parents distraught, the farmer rejoiced for the wealth it had brought.
Things were to change it's not set in stone; plenty would happen before the thing returned home.
A tour round the world was rapidly planned, and this is when things got right out of hand,
the crowds gathered, sometimes 10,000 strong; with that many folk something's bound to go wrong.
One day it happened Spider-cow broke loose, using all its eight legs it ran for the woods,
people were screaming as it raced through their midst, and the farmer arrested for releasing the pest.
Sad and unhappy many miles from home, the spider cow hybrid was lost and alone
A crinkled cottage lay at the foot of a tree, inside was a little man, inside it was me.
I could hear a great mob rampaging near, it wouldn't take long till they tracked the thing here
I needed a plan and i needed one quickly, i looked up in despair and that's when it hit me.
Spiders can climb so why not this creature, it was half way high when i heard the voice of the preacher
‘That spawn of the devil, most foul and corrupting, Must be slain! ' he cried his fury erupting.

The Spider thing leapt a full thirty feet, and took the holy man's life with his razor sharp teeth
No sooner had it dispatched that vain man of the cloth, than it kicked up its heels and once more it was off.
I've only heard rumours of what happened next, but there is one anecdote i do like the best,
it travelled back homewards stowed away in a ship, via Russia, Morocco and India's tip.
But before it could reach home and be with its family, the now released farmer consumed with insanity
caught it once more and took the poor thing away, back to his kitchen; he had a game to play.
He teased it with salad, kept it just out of reach, with the spider-cow distracted his wife seized its teats
she pulled as she'd learnt but instead of fresh milk, what came out of the udder was strong sticky silk.
The monster was bored and had tired of the jest, and ignoring the lettuce grabbed the cruel farmers vest;
The farmers last expression was one of surprise, reflected as he died in the creatures eight eyes.
Leaving the farmhouse in chaos, and the wife in a web, the thing galloped homewards feeling very well fed
The Spider, his father was filled with great glee, his child had returned to his wife and too he.
You think this a story I assure you it's truth, somewhere there's a farmhouse filled with the proof,
The World's biggest net is its most notable feature, a Cow-web that was spun by that poor abused creature.