royness ( ' ' )

Rookie (04/12/86 / essex, england / carmathen, wales)

Dear Diary - Poem by royness ( ' ' )

Monday, March 24th

Dear Diary,
This has gone on long enough. This examination, pages in self-effacement, the dragging through desperate moments. You are too great a danger, too much of a risk.
These memories survive in spite of me.
You are the ghost that haunts me. This “me” that is no longer part of me. This “I” that is not “I.”
I do not recognise myself. I cannot sit still. I am restless, changing from one page to the other.
I have trusted you too long. This record would make me a madman.

Wednesday, April 2nd

Dear Diary,
I am in love once more with someone I never loved. I see now I was trying to convince you. Me. The I that is not I.
The doubts are writ between the lines. A sickness. Savage and distinct.

Sunday, September 16th

Dear Diary,
I try to remember her face. A shape in the fog; a dream.
She is worried about me.
Three days since I last slept, approaching the seventy-second hour now, and it is raining inside.
We cuddle up under the stars, curl up in the arms of a mountain.
Listen. The ticking of distant clocks. I am unsure how long...
I wake up and try to smother the pillow.

Thursday, December 14th

Dear Diary,
You confront me, suicidal. In a script that is wild and desperate, words torn into the page.
I wanted to die. I was running a fever. I feared for my life.
I was angry and raving, drunk on love and on hate.
It was always, it was never like this.

Friday, January 5th

Dear Diary,
It comes down to this: I exist. I am. And you, you cannot live.
You must perish in the fire; die as these former “I” s have died.
I will burn all of you. The fire is inevitable, and beautiful for that.

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Poem Submitted: Friday, April 18, 2008

Poem Edited: Sunday, February 15, 2009

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