Desperation Poem by Jessica Bentson

i carry a cloud of emotions that shadow me and i push you away because if you come too close the warmth of sunlight will vanish and you too will forever be sucked in to this burning cold hell of worry and fear.

this obsessive, constant preoccupation with what people think drives me to warm myself of this lonely cold world with a blanket of false confidence, perfection and contentment so i can receive the acceptance that i never learned before.

but when no one is around to watch me cowar back in to my cave of darkness, i take off my blanket and listen to my cries echo inside my head and my tears freeze and numb me from the chill of emptiness within me.

my mind is full, so full with disgust, doubt, repulse, rage, sadness, guilt, shame, fear and confusion; while all at the same time my spirit, far and out of reach, is so empty, empty with nothing to grasp on to. my mind spins in a whirl of contradiction and just being still exhausts me.

i am weak and out of breath and each day it requires more energy to protect this ugly world. my false identification doesn't fool you anymore. my blanket is wearing thin and this makes me even more fearful that you will see this little girl curled up in the farthest, darkest corner buried so deep inside and the day will finally come when you let the natural light of the sun reveal me.

with so much despair the thought of this slightly relieves me, but being stripped from this helpless, hopeless world that confirms my faults and reassures my defects would be taking away my consistant, my reliable, my predictable entrapment that i am so used to.

but you seem so brave to be out in your world extending your hand to me without fear, when others run scared and deny me or abuse their ability to come just close enough to hurt me, yet far enough to run with any ounce of self worth that i may have buried away.