Aparna Sinha

Fast Music Slow Traffic

Music is enchanting
It has Strong power
To move you, with it
In Trance! !
My mind raced


There is no looking back!
I will run! I will achieve
I will bring the change!
In trance
My mind raced


New ideas developed
New revolutions made
2 minutes of achievement
In trance
My mind raced


Thoughts at speed of light
Stirred feelings -of accomplishment
Of what has been done
And will be done.
Of freedom and ecstasy
Thoughts grew, took shape
In trance
My mind raced


Alas! I opened my eyes
I am still at the same place!
Drivers honking
Traffic moving at 10 Km per hour
Dreams & Reality
Not at the same pace
Its suffocating
I feel caged
Transcendent and back
Reality hurts! Illusion escalates
So I closed my eyes
Back in trance
I let my mind race

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Poem Submitted: Wednesday, November 28, 2012

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Comments about Fast Music Slow Traffic by Aparna Sinha

  • R. H. PeatR. H. Peat (10/21/2014 3:19:00 AM)

    Aparna

    when using repetitions try to change them a bit with punctuation to allow the more meaning. Or change the wording slightly to allow a new thought to enter the poem with the repetition.

    a poet friend
    RH Peat

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  • R. H. PeatR. H. Peat (10/21/2014 3:13:00 AM)

    Rewrite the poem and put it present tense. Use the active verb instead of the past tense with ed on the end of the verb. It will put the reader into the action of the moment. And it will cause the poem to flow more directly. You also have some English problems in past tense in this poem. Actually you mix the two. Try to keep the poem in the same tense if you can.

    Here are some suggestions along those lines:

    (X) = this means I'm suggesting a cut in the poem's verse
    (this) means something has been add or changed in the poem.
    Like a word has been changed or an s is added to the end of the verb.
    Note how the action of the verb makes the poem more actively when you read it.

    Music (X) (enchants)
    It has Strong power(s)
    To move you(]) with(in)
    Its Trance(X) ( ;)
    My mind (races.)


    There is no looking back!
    I (X) run! I (X) achieve( ;)
    I (X) bring (X) change!
    In (a) trance
    My mind (races.)


    New ideas (develop)
    New revolutions (X)
    (in) 2 minutes of achievement
    In(side a) trance(.)
    My mind (races.)


    Thoughts at (light) speed (X)
    (They stir) feelings
    (about) (accomplishments,)
    (about) what has been done,
    (X) (about what) will be done.
    -=-=- Whenever you create an antithesis in the poem; try to keep each thought parallel.)
    (in) freedom and ecstasy
    Thoughts (grow, take) shape
    In (the) trance(.)
    My mind races)


    (At last) I (open) my eyes
    I am still at the same place!
    Drivers (honk ;)
    Traffic moves at 10 Kilometers.)
    Dreams & Reality (are)
    Not (in) the same pace
    (I suffocate ;)
    I feel caged(.)
    (I Transcend) (X) back (to where)
    Reality hurts! Illusion (escalates)
    So (I close) my eyes(.)
    Back in(side the) trance
    I let my mind race(.)

    Try to find other prepositions or other verbs to replace the word of' in the text. It's a week way to make a metaphor. You can also at times create a possessive by reversing the words on both sides of the word of while removing the word. Like power of delusion can become delusion's power.

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  • Gajanan MishraGajanan Mishra (11/28/2012 9:29:00 PM)

    Reality hurts. good poem Aparna. Thanks.
    I invite you to read my poems and comment.

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Robert Frost

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening



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