Ferlies (38 Scots Poems) Poem by Sheena Blackhall

1.The Mooch

Halflin gull, as big's its ma
Moochin wi nae shame ava
Peengin, peengin on the lum
Girnin beak an speckled bum


2.The Traivellers

'I'll hae a limousine, ' quo Sean.
`I'll hae a plane, ' quo Jill.
`A mansion, meat, fine claes, ' quo John
`I'll hae a bank, ' quo Bill.

Niver eneuch' quo Anthony
`Jist gie me mair, ' quo Ann
'Mair siller, luck, celebrity,
' Mair o it aa, ' quo Dan.

Possessions bring their ain consarns
A box, a snib, a key,
0 thon, puir John, nae haein much
Wis relatively free.

Auld Age dinged doon celebrity
Ill Health fair soored the zest
For gawdy gee-gaws, fantoosh hames
Grim Daith chored as the rest.

The lawyer tuik the limousine
Bi god, the breets are fly
The unnertakker tuik the plane
The bank, bi then, wis dry

Life laists a meenit, luiks as weel,
It needs nae maisterplan
Tae traivel lichtly ben the warld
Daein the best ye can


3.Atlantis in the Burn

Aa day they'd biggit castles in the burn, touers o pebbles, moats,
A makk-shift waukwye atween bank an puil
The citizens, wee bandies, cercled the smaa Atlantis in the Ben
Lilliputian fish ruled bi twa Gullivers

The castlemakkers' sire on a three day bender
Lay heelstergowdie, tuggin at vodka's teat

Later, evenin cweeled the fires o day
The bender straichtened oot, deid drunk in the swyte o the blin fu.
Twa Gullivers washed an fed, lay wi their teds,
Newsin o knights an dragons in the tent

Noo wis the time fur their dam tae cam intae her ain
Intae the warld o shaddas, dwaums an quaet
Aa day she'd wyted fur this Naiad's tryst
A black flat rock, hauf wye alang the burn
The burn, fulled bi strang shooers on the heich braes
Ragin on ilkie side like Boudicca's shelts
Their weet pelts straiked wi meenlicht.

There she micht lie like a sacrifice tae the meen
Flat on the rock, the derk nicht on her face
Deid tae as bit the rain that dreeped frae the trees
Lettin the sappy souns o watter heal her.


4.Ferlies

Smaa pyramid, the metronome kept time
Merkin the rhythm o the hoose's days
Echoed the eident clock's metallic chime

A wheel cad roon the mangle fur the wash
A smaaer turned the Singer, makkin claes
The scuttle, tho, wis Oriental posh
An aathin nott a key. Yetts, presses, kists
Drink, siller, even linen sheets locked up
Wikkly accoonts war kept, an shoppin lists

Rhubarb wis stewed in the braisse berrypan
A metal sieve saved fat tae licht the fire
Waste wis a sin in thon domestic plan

Thrift inbred, gars me grue. Aathin is grist
Tae the great mill o life that grinds us doon
Re-heatin cauld kail, coontless joys I've missed


5.Tae makk a Martyr

Takk ae patriot
Separate him frae kintra, kin an airmy
Croon him wi leaves like ony tattie-bogle
Makk a radge o him an his beliefs

Add nae drap o human kindness, raither
A scoosh o soor grapes, wersh as graveyaird bree
Sprinkle a jeelip o heich wirds ower the proceedins

Wheep yer warrior, bleedin ben the streets
Larded wi gobs an skaith
Beat till nearhaun fooshionless
Afore a fyauchie boorich o yer commons
Hing on the gallows till hauf-smored an thrappled

Neist, remove yer patriot,
Skewer an disembowel
While yet alive... hate is a dish best hett

Fry his intimmers aneth his verra een
Syne chop the lave an sen tae aa the airts
Sae his puir pairts micht flegg aff similar craas
Nailin oppression's colours tae life's brig

Sit back an wyte
There's mair nur deid-flesh stewin


6. Far Ower the Forth: Tune: Burns Song

Far ower the Forth I bide in the North
Nae an agent ava tween the Don and the Dee
An we're telt naethin's selt unless it's Central belt
Or it's screived bi a lion o the literatii

Whisky kinnles in the keg... is a poet best read
Fin the buik wirms are chawin him posthumously?
Dis the popular vote gyang tae stanzas he wrote
Or his ootrageous ploys at some festival spree?

Gin ye screive tae succeed it's a fan group ye need
Ye maun tour like a boy band... gie readins o fire
An please dinna rhyme... it's a stylistic crime
Be obscure or be randy, fowk warm tae desire.

Far ower the Forth I bide in the North
Nae an agent ava tween the Don and the Dee
An we're telt naethin's selt unless it's Central belt
Or it's screived bi a lion o the literatii


7.St Nicholas Kirkyaird

Doos commandeer the girse, the birds o lair an steen
In the liverish sunlicht twa young luvers smoorach

A boorich o boozers argy ahin a tomb
Three Chinese towrists ett their Boots meal-deal
Newsin heich an excited in fremmit spikk

Noon, the doon-toon traffic birrs on by.
A skurrie skelps its Naval flippers flat
Opens its beak an skreichs a bar o warnin
Jeelin's a lichthoose in a nicht o haar
Aroon it, trees like trimmlin pilgrims shoogle
Seem in a briest tae coorie near the kirk.


8.Craigendarroch

It's Sabbath in the dwaumy howe aneth.
The Darroch's Druid aiks uphaud the sky,
Crummles o twig an acorn hap the path,
Like horn cups, leaves full wi green doonbye.

The knowe shakks oot her skirts o fern an moss.
Here, Sizzens slice ben cliffs like crusty breid
Growth coddles rot. A chaffie bobs throwe smush,
Auld aik trees wyve their wabs o timmer threid

The cushie doo sits croodlin on the brae
Criss-crossed bi roads nae mortal's traivelled ower
Lackin the erne's smeddum, squirrel's virr
The swippertness o win tae jink the stoor

Yet I'm ane wi this microcosmic airt
Sib tae the heather, kin tae burn an mist
The hale is bit the sum o ilkie pairt
Blythe simmer brakks the lid o Winter's kist


9.Humpback Whales

Humpback Whales hae muckle tails.
Nae human-born land lubber
Could munch the shoals they ett fur lunch,
Sea restaurants o blubber!


10.The Seal

I am a seal at the Brig o Don
I lie in the dubs an pech
Fur an oor or twa in the Autumn sun
I rowe on my kyte an flech

I skelp ma tail in the sappy glaur
As the traffic birrs on by
I am a seal at the Brig o Don
My warld is waves an sky.


11.Telling the Bees: for the late George McConnach, Birse, bee-keeper & farmer

I kent a gairden aince, perfumed an bra
Simmer flooers wauchtit there, heich as the wa
Bees bizzed frae skepps tae Ben, ryped heather bell
Ferryin sweetness frae brae heid tae cell

I kent the maister fa hairstit their caimbs
Creamy wax chaumers wi gowd in their wames
Aa throw the winter, he kept the hive hale
Syne in the simmer he brewed hinney ale

Toonsers supped seerip. His bairns on a plate
Spreid rich dreepin nectar on breid that they ate
Naebody telt them, wyce craiturs, bees kent
Fit the weeds niver howked roon the blawn roses meant

Sic a deep seelence! Nae rikk in the lum
Frae his winged servents, nae saft eident hum
Nae need tae speir wis he cauld in his lair
Teet in the gairden. The bee skepps war bare.


12.The Lodger

The fishin fleet sails oot alang the sea
Stars cut metallic diamonds in the nicht
The bed-sit lodger shares immensity
Wi table, tickin clock, the open door
The stink o fish in ilkie neuk an crannie
San shauchles saftly forrit tae explore
Like a sea cave her chaumer, derkness fills

Marooned, she is a swatch o driftwid here
Her landlord an his wife hae hidden gills
Like twa auld crabs they squat aneth her room
Their hauns like fower hinged pincers curled ower
Their faimly Bible, black's the crack o Doom

Their drooned son brocht them different agonies
Fur him, a sexless bed, fur her, an ache
His waukin thochts, a mix o psalms an sleaze
It's hett; the open door's ower still tae craik
He's nae yet tried tae rape her, bit he will
The lodger that he watches aa the wikk

Odysseus wad niver anchor here
The shoreline's slawly ground tae skin an bane
The seaweed rings the herbour like a bier
The fisher clachan wi the hairt o stane.


13.Scotty

I aye preferred the Vulcan, Mr Spock
Lang shanks, fey lugs, mind-mergin empathy
Cweel as an ice cream cone
Klingons keeched thirsels fm he cocked an ee

Bones wis a genteel gent
Cud hae stept ooto a tent
Far Custer steered his beans roon a mess tin

Captain Kirk's face cream wis clapt on thick
His six pack bulgin oot his lycra sark
A paper puppet sci- fi scripts wad yark

Scotty.. the future star ship's anchor man
Wis stinch as granite howked frae Rubislaw Quarry
Ye've niver heard the like in Cults or Tony?
Doric's a pebble on the global shore
Twill boldly gae far nae spikk's gaen afore

Cone, mess tin, face cream, anchor...
0 the fower. It's anchor men keep star ships tickin ower.


14.Houdini

Oor rabbit Houdini wis an escapologist.
Tunnels war his forte, chawin ben cages.
Naebody telt him rabbits arenae gurly
It wis best tae side-step his rages.

Oor rabbit Houdini wis a tiger
A biter, a gurrler, a lowper
He ett up neist door's carrots at ae go,
Even a prize chrysanthemum
They'd reared frae seed, fur show.

Ay, he wis a chorer, a worrit, a reiver
Efter a nicht on the scraun
Howkin up leeks ben the street
We fand him teirin fur ooto his breist
We pit it doon tae simmer's plottin heat.

He bigged a nest, turned broody, bedd at hame
We war fair vexed. We missed his quanter warks
Ae mornin, there they war
Houdini's tribe, in fite an spotty sarks.

He wis a her. She tint the will to raik
Stopped gurrin, sattled doon tae captive life
Ett pellets. Foo we missed the reprobate!
She hid tae be rechristened Rabbit Kate.


15. Samantha Sook

Samantha Sook's a vampire
Wi leather wings fur claes
Ye'd think she wis a brolly
Bi the wye she curls her taes

She's niver seen in daylicht
She comes oot efter derk
Fin she's clartit on her lipstick
Tae ponce aboot the park

She'll drain the pouer frae muggers
Till they're fooshunless as jeely
Syne cairt them aff tae jyle
Afore they stert tae throw a feely

She'll oxter up a burglar
Makkin on she's really pally
Syne sink her fangs inno his neck
Till he turns peely wally

Samantha Sook the vampire
Anely comes oot wi the stars
Tae lowp aboot at discos
An tae sattle teenage wars

Sae dinna fyle yer boxters
If ye catch her in a neuk
She's a law-abidin vampire
Super-bat, Samantha Sook


16.Mollochy Mowdie Maister Sleuth

Mollochy Mowdie Maister Sleuth's
An undercover spy
He can watch ye frae yer gairden
Cause he's affy affy fly

Thon's nae a daffy in yer yaird
It's his new periscope
Thon's nae a gun that's in his pooch
It's Mollochy's microscope

He'll tag yer washin, chore yer mail
He'll bug yer front door bell
Fur Mollochy Mowdie Maister Sleuth's
The Neeborhood watch frae Hell.


17.PC Farrabooter

The faistest bobby in the North is PC Farrabooter
He wheechs aboot wi goggles on
Abune a souped up scooter

It's 'Fa are ye?
An 'Far ye gaun?
An 'Fit's that bag ye hae? '

Gin burglars say 'Fit's it tae ye? '
They've really made his day

He disna skelp them roon the heid
He disna need a shooter
He chynes them tae his super-bike
An zaps them wi his hooter.

It disnae toot nor cheep nur skirl
It skytes oot seagull's keech
The guff laists mair nur forty days...
Nae punishment's as dreich
As guffin like a herrin's dowp
Left sax wikks doon a drain
As Pc Farrabooter says
`They dinna dae't again.'


18.Kelpie Clype

Gin ye dinna wint a ragin
Bide awa frae Kelpie Clype
She's an irritatin cuddy
Wi a neb as lang's a pipe

Did ye scrat the fermer's tractor?
Wis it ye that flegged the coo?
Did ye chase it roon the midden
Till it wisnae fit tae moo?

Did ye zap the chukken's eggies
Did ye peint them blue an black?
Noo she thinks that they are aliens
An winna takk them back

Wis it ye that let the yowes oot?
Noo they've set aff up the lane
Tae see the movie Rambo
Nae a ticket tae their name

Kelpie Clype'll tell the fermer
Unless ye keep her sweet
Sae gie her chocolate smarties
Dinna argue noo... jist dee't!


19.Bogle Bowf

Bogle-Bowf is a minky ghaist
He'll doss in a high rise flat
Inside a kitchie rubbish bin
Noo fit d'ye think o that!

Bogle Bowff he claiths himsel
Frae orrals yer ma haives oot
Wi tattie-parins fur a tie
An moosewabs fur a suit

An fin he's scunnered o coontin stars
Up heich in his stinky bed
He dials a space-ship cab frae Mars
An wheechs tae the planet Zed

He fits richt in at the aliens' club
Wi hairy pink gorillas
Wi horny-gollachs fur his grub
An deep-fried armadillas

Sae gin yer wheelie bin luiks teem
Wad this nae gar ye scunner?
Bogle Bowf's bin dressin up
In last nicht's pizza denner.


20.Abernethy McCrone

Abernethy McCrone lives on ice cream an chips
He's as roon as a haggis on pegs
He's got three double chins... he needs ten wheelie bins
An I sweir he's got boddomless legs

Fa chored the vanilla fae thon big gorilla
The bouncer at Boozy Café?
Fa wheeched the flake affo skateboordin Jake
As he skyted roon Bum-shoogle Bay?

Abernethy McCrone'd kill his cat fur a cone
Fin he spies twa lime scoops in a buggy
Afore the wee doo his the tongue oot its moo
It's bin mugged. Sae's it's aunty, Big Aggie

At the whiff o a gang haudin chips he can scran
He's like lichtenin at pinchin their stash
Afore they can craw, 'Fit's yer game? ' he's awa
In a fleerich o chips an a flash

Supervillains like men hae their failins, ye ken
Abernethy McCrone's is his greens
Fur he losses his pouers if he's locked up fur oors
In a roomful o veggies an beans.


21.Cahootchie Quine

Cahootchie Quire's a moocher.
She cud tap a steen fur bluid
In the verra deid o Winter
she wad chore a spurgie's breid

She will butter up a victim
makkin on they're in cahoots
Bit she'll steal their lad awa frae them..
She likes forbidden fruits

Her buits war made bi Gucci,
bit belang tae cousin Jess
Her jumper is Armani
(It lowped frae her sister's press)

Gin yer queuin fur a burger,
she'll hae left her purse at hame
At the dodgems, quick as lichtenin,
she will say the same again `

Ye surely wadna grudge me
a wee haun tae pye the bill? '
She cud milk a brick fur siller
wi compassion overkill

If ye hear the hootchie cootchie
performed tae a Ra Ra Ra
It's her wye o celebratin
in her skirt an wonderbra

Ay, Cahootchie is the leader
in the cheer team o the schule
Ilkie stitch she weirs is borraed
an her mooto's Moochers rule

Sae if meet Cahootchie Quine
be warned, she's on the mooch
Keep yer screwtap on yer bottle
an yer piece inside yer pooch!


22.Jess the Yowe

Jess the Yowe likes knittin
It gets things aff her chest
An wi her knittin needle
They turn intae a vest

Her boddom's babies booties
Her lugs hae made a tie
Her bum is a tea cosy
An it's hingin oot tae dry


23.Mitherless

Niver a wird o the randy ram
Fa scarce ava cam near it
The thocht is as fur the affcast lamb
An the mither fa cudna rear it

Yet growe it did, fur sturdy youth
Has a hunger that maun be fed
Mither or no, it'll climm the brae
Tae the knowe o the future wed

There's umpteen mas an das in the warld
Kind, luvin, coorse, or tint
For Fate that pens the plans o aa
Whyles smudges the blueprint.


24.Welsh Shelt: Study 2

Nae Constable's cuddy,
This is a stoot Welsh shelt

His kyte's a wechtit ark
Humfed atween fower roch bearers

His nyaakit snoot is snocherin
Pearls tae his fuskery mou

His wrunkled hochs are splytered
Wi sharn an strae
His neigh's a smiddy's bellas
His gray dowp sproots a wheep
0 a yarkin tail

The stable's fyaachie green.
Its yett's a lichen's cradle,
Its porch is a kirn o dubs,
A soss o pish an nettle.

Ivy's haudin the spars o its waas thegither
The wid is sennin her saplins
Inno the brukken bield o the winny steadin
Far girse an dockens gently showdy-powd

For trees an shelts are sib, sit kind, thegither
Unner the weety cloud
I rax ma fingers forrit tae be sniffed

The sheltie cocks his heid.
I hae forgotten the cherm o the horseman's wird

The punk bumbazement o his mane's
A besom swypin the air, noddin at naethin
Time, rins on its gird
He gies me the bum's rush
The cauld showder
Syne swithers, unsteekin
The midnicht purse o an ee
The cream star on his face
Lies warm tae ma haun

We staun in seelence
Breet an wummin
Lattin the bird o gloamin
Full the air wi sang
Lattin the dark rise roon us like a flood


25.Kashmir Earthquake

Bairns lie stiff as new-sterched linen
Laid in quate drawers
Far classies kisted them.
Stoor skenkles their hair
An frost, that faas
Ben cracks in pavements like their lives

The day, yird smashed its plates
Made kinnlin o clachans
Tint its merbles
Cowpit an unripe crop
Inno its derk winepress

Allah is merciful
Here and yonner,
A dall, a baa,
Survives


26.Autumn Paddock

The aipple tree in Autumn dis nae darg
Neither dis she spin.
Fruit chaps throwe
Her spinnly fingers, her leaves flichter
Ower the shelt, noisily croppin the girse
A knowe, like a floatin mosaic
Pieces itsel thegither ahin bare branches

A tit squeezes a note frae its pod o feathers
Conductin its ain solo
The Sizzen's piebald coat
Losses anither threid.


27.Seggs

Nae Moses in yon seggs.
The taed dwaums
In the cauld dubs o the puil.

A dyeuk rins ower the water,
A cartoon skreichin

Ilkie tree's a Narcisses.
My lug's an orchid frost is turnin blae


28.The Snail's Trail

This foreneen 1 follaed the snail's trail
Doon tae the tarn.

In its keekin-glaiss I wis a partan
My world wis san.

I maun hae misread the sign
I wis ettlin tae fin the place
Far dog-roses growe frae rigs
Far the deer kinnles the sunset
In its cloud reef
Far the torc worn bi the bog-man,
Unsteeks his een.


29.Less than a Leaf

Less than a leaf, bit sae much mair
The drap that hings abeen the puil
A wattergaw growes in its side
Yon drap hauds oceans at its core


30.Birthday

A single rosebud rowed in foil
An lacy paper, like a bride
She gied me. I turned on the tap
Tae keep the canker frae its side

An ransacked hauf a dizzen shops
Tae fin a vase o porcelain
Tae haud erect yon cherished bloom
As the kirk caunle heists the flame

I peeled it frae its surplices
Syne, foo my hurtit fancy bled!
It didna weir a croon o thorns
The rose wis plastic, ergo, deid.

Its yoam, a ferlie I'd made up
Yet I confess, thon fake did shift
My mood. The Rose inbye the rose
Wis this: her giein o the gift.


31.Samhuin

The aik tree skreichs in its auncient anchors
Its leaves faa singly doon tae the grun

Late October, the squirrel chitters
Listen. Auld snibs slide `neth the lan.

Hyne awa in the lichtit city
Autumn is firewirks in the park
A joke. A pumpkin. A bairnie's lauchter
A meenit's show in the peintit dark.

Naebody sees on the floodlit cassies
Samhuin stride unner glitterin starns
Sweengin a scythe that's keen an deidly
Greater nor presidents or wars


32.Jannie

I stride atween the skirlin bairns
Fechts stop. An argy-bargy dwines
I am the jannie. My wird's law
A schuleyaird god in my size nines.

The teachers gie them Science, Art
Gymnastics, cookin, the three Rs
A wummin's wye..an oorglaiss day
I steek their neives, their playgrun wars

The menfowk that they see at hame
Pairt-timers, dossers on the mooch
Heich upon hash, or booze, or baith
Their haun stappt in their mither's pooch
Is aa some ken. I tilt the scales
Ay in command o my five senses
I teach them men hae qualities
That raxx ower past an tenses

Like Janus, back in auncient Rome
I guaird their warld. Nane pass by me
That seeks tae hairm, misfit or vex
The littlins in my territory.

The teachers hae their tests tae set
They educate, a wechty dreel
I patch up windaes, see fair play
I keep them warm, an safe an weel.


33.Grave Goods

Aunt Belle wis kistit ae Friday, in blin drift, fite's her shroud
Alang wi twa choruses o Perfect Love she aywis sang at waddins
An her wee cheena cup wi the gowden rim.
Likewise, wis consigned tae the yird

The space ahin her ribs her hairt vacated efter her man deed,
A pumice stane fur smeethin her hard heels,
A pair o pink silk bloomers tae her knees
(Kiln-crackit legs, a gusset double steekit) ,
Five yorkie's hairs, a yoam o John Begg's fusky
An ae resoundin: `Tyauch! I kent his faither!


34.Squirrel

I turned richt inno the wids
On a weet day, the leaves gane yalla

A leaf brukk aff, cam flichterin inno the puil
Half a squirrel spied me
Mid ben his helter-skelterin.

Slow as a meevin statue
Settin each fit in the dubs
I socht tae see him hale.

Squirrel-less, the great trees fulled wi mist


35.A Scottish Interactive Chant
(each two verses, to be repeated twice, as in call and response)

Seagulls are a feartie species
Yon's a lee

Veggie haggis is delicious
Pigs can flee

My thon Heilan coo's got hair!
Can it see?

I've a pyoke o drams an heavies
Far's the spree?

There's anither twenty verses
Dearie me!


36.Samhuin (2)

October rattles in my bane.
Dwined tae a crochlie carlin wife
I peer throwe Winter's windae pane

Unbairned, un-wad I staun alane
Cut doon bi Fortune's prunin knife
My mortal pouers are on the wane
The warld's a cyclical refrain
Derk turns tae daylicht.
Peace meets strife
My dragons sleep, aa passions, slain
I am the spider in the rain
Play up, Langshanks, wi drum an fife
Age is a spinneret o pain

The lintie fled wi blythe Beltane
The spring that lowped sae swack an lythe
Crined tae a sheugh...an orra stain.
Sae, as the sickle greets the grain
We boo tae pye the kirkyaird's tithe

Smaa odds, tae mourn, or complain
Samhuin approaches. Corbies mane
I'm at the lees. Wersh, wersh is life
The meen's a bride, the stars, her train
My bridetime's ower. I wad be gaen.


37.Sacrifice

I hae kent the wyes o kye
I hae wyed my hairt
Agin a shaif o sun
An fand it wintin

Fan the deer-skinned Shaman's rattle
Set my path apairt
Fan he chose me as the ane
Ah, it wis dauntin

Syne I myned on the hairst bull
Foo its fite heid gied a start
Foo we watched the reid bluid rin
Ah, it was hauntin


38.The Long Company: Gangrels.

Fit a begeck! I saw them, the gangrel bodies
Argy-bargyin in the girsy sheuch
Aneth the rowan. There, bi the gap in the hedge
Ane o their ill-trickit loons
Cam wi his young tyke, snufflin.

I took ma lammie up tae the hoose-park..
We dinna trust incomers
They'd stap their wymes wi onybody's grumphies,
Though they can trim the hedge an clear the lang cuttins
Ye'd be a gomeral nae tae steek the yett.