First Kill Poem by Dr Dj

My Father just celebrated his 90th Birthday! And for some reason I was remembering my first deer, my only deer, I ever killed. I went with my father on my first hunting trip to his ranch just north of Hondo, TX. I had been there many times before, riding all over the ranch in a surplus WW2 jeep with my father driving, across creeks swollen with rain! Across cattle guards With the Big White Bull standing guard, in the way of the gate we have to pass through. Sevenyear old Me was scared as sh*t of that bull... but this is a few years later, I must have been about 12. Anyway, He had a blind set up, not far from a feeder, with a good view of the open field and feeder. We climbed up the ladder into the Blind. He got me all situated. Windows all open, Rifle all loaded. And he said "just aim, take the safety off, and shoot if you see anything". And then my father climbed back down the ladder, to go do, I have no idea what. I don't think he thought I would actually see a deer, but with wishful hoping I would.. It was the time of day where the sun isn't quite setting, its just before, just when the light starts to change ever so slightly, you can hardly notice it, but this is when the deer begin to stir. So, I'm waiting...... waiting..... waiting.....I see nothing out of any of the windows, And I get distracted. I then see this yellow jacket nest and a can of insecticide in the blind. And the Yellow jackets are buzzing about, so I'm thinking "might as well kill something", so I start selectively killing individual Yellow Jackets flying about the deer blind. Making all this noise. If a deer was around surely it would stay away hearing all the rattling around I was making in the blind. And then, all of a sudden, I had this feeling SHOOT through ME, Like
a Train, that's fully loaded, and it will not stop, It won't stop until I acknowledge that it's there. It's a feeling that just hit my brain as "DEER". (this is a common occurrence through out my life, I don't know what it is, all I know is it has saved my life on a few occasions, and screamed at me very loud when I'm doing something wrong, and especially told me when people close to me have died, but that's a different story) So I put the can of wasp killer down. Look out one window, nothing. I slowly pull the rifle up, taking the safety off. Look out the other window....nothing, and then I hear a "snap" behind me. Out the back window I look, and I can feel the hair is standing erect on the back of my neck, and all over my arms, even the small hair on my hands begins to stand at attention. I look to the opposite side of where the feeder is and.... it's a DEER! And the deer is Slowly sniffing through the brush, slowly working it's way through the thick mixture or small oak trees, larger cedar trees, and thick brush that I have no Idea what it is! I slowly pull the rifle up. And Looking through the scope I can see its got at least three spikes, so its fair game, NOT a Doe. I switch the safety off, I put my finger on the trigger And my heart starts pounding, and I mean POUNDING! It was Pounding like it was when I lost my virginity, It was the same pounding in my chest when I was driving 130 MPH in my 70 Mach 1 (yes teenagers are stupid!)My heart pounding and pounding. I could literally hear the pounding in my ears, I could feel my chest thumping and thumping, echoing into my arms, traveling down my legs, making me tremble, all the way into my hands, all through out my whole body! They'll tell you it's called "Buck Fever" I have another name for it! "Blood-lust" There is nothing like the feeling when you take a life! ! All my senses were screaming at me! ! My Adrenaline was pumping into my veins stoking The Blood-Lust further, all the while I'm trying my best in my mind, to keep myself calm, trying to keep my sights on the DEER! And then for a few seconds I lost the deer behind a tree. My heart is pounding even harder, and my hands have started shaking as I see it emerge from the other side of the tree and I try my best to aim better, I try so hard to steady the rifle, to see the deer in my sights, to get a good clean shot in his neck..... but adrenaline takes over, And I just pull the trigger! ! !

BAM! ! !

My shoulder is hit with this massive recoil. Knocking me back. I'm unsettled. I'm also quite, best way to describe is I'm experiencing extreme chaos, intertwined with a Exhilarating EUPHORIA I felt, and I have never it experienced since, not with sex, not with drugs, It was completely intertwined with, Did I get It? ? ! ! ? ? ! ! Did I Kill It! ! !
I'm trying to look through the scope again. My whole body shaking. I think I closed my eyes because I didn't see the deer run off. Next thing I know my father is at the bottom of the blind asking me if I shot something. Me telling him "I think so" pointing to brush behind the blind. Me still shaking, but hiding it from my father as best I could!
I climbed down the ladder on the deer blind slowly, really trying my best not to fall off the ladder, trying hard not to drop my rifle, at the same time minding the Hornets swarming about the opposite facing window of the blind, the noise must have woken every single individual hornet that was part of it's wasp world!
When I'm finally down on the ground my father asked me again
"Did you shoot something? "
I kinda point to the general direction that I shot, I sling the rifle over my shoulder and it feels heavy much heavier than it did a few minutes ago. We start walking the way I pointed, all the while I'm feeling the aftermath of an extremely large surplus of adrenaline in my veins. My hands are still shaking, my legs still find it difficult to find solid earth. But My vision is so acute! I could see every little detail of EVERYTHING!
My mind feels like it has a fire stoking it. I am in a completely new realm! And I remember having much difficulty processing it!
I slowly, with very wobbly legs, follow my father into the bush In the direction I had earlier pointed to. We walk on for a bit and I remember slowly calming down, thinking to myself that I missed, that the deer ran off after it heard the explosive sound of my rifle trying to kill it. I was sure the rifles report startled it and he just plain bolted, ran away from here. I was thinking it must have just ran.

We walk into the direction where I thought the deer was when I pulled the trigger. After some slow searching, My father finds a blood trail. Mind you, at seeing this my heart starts pumping very hard again, hands start shaking again, my legs feels like noodles again. And the whole time I'm having a hard time thinking straight, the adrenaline eased up slightly for a moment, but now it was FULL ON again, my ears were pounding again, my chest is pounding. I could feel the blood pulsing through the vein in my neck. I'm shaking as we follow the trail of blood, following the blood trickles on the ground for a very short trek, it was not too far at all and we came across my deer. My Deer! Still alive, just lying there, I've shot him in the lungs, the worst place to shoot a deer, he's lying there struggling to breath. My father pulls out his.22 revolver and looks at me, followed by the words he spoke that resonated within me to this day. "Son, pick your shots more care, no need to make'um suffer." He then holds out his revolver, I did hesitate for a few seconds, trying to understand everything that is happening, trying to comprehend everything, but the adrenaline was still pulsing, It pretty much has in control now, and with that Semi-Euphoric mental state that I was still feeling, I took the revolver from my fathers hand and I shot that deer, right behind it's eye without a second thought knowing that I would not mess up the mount. His suffering is over. Unknown to me Mine was just beginning. This is what I just killed. For what! My father was happy. I felt sick.I felt the "blood-lust" and it made me sick! Afterwards my father then showed me how to "dress" the deer. All the while telling me in great detail how to do it.
But I didn't hear a word he was saying.
I don't even remember the trip back home. I don't remember actually getting home, until we were there. My father was beaming, "hey neighbor next door! ! " Look what my son did".
Neighbor comes over and asked me, "So, did that Buck-Fever get you? "
And at this point all the adrenaline has been spent,
I am pretty much a tired and very confused kid. And I answer him with a lie, which has become something very easy for me to do when it comes to emotions. looking him dead in the eye, straight faced, I ask him what me means? "Whats Buck-Fever? "
He didn't say anything in response, he just kinda chuckled. I was so relieved he didn't say anything else. I was in fear of exposing my fake bravado, revealing my facade, fearful it wouldn't hold up!

My father saved the small rack from the deer I killed. A trophy he said! 3 point buck! It's still attached to the garage wall, there at his house, right where he nailed it up some 40 some-odd years ago. We made some pretty tasty sausage from the rest of my kill.

I have nothing against people who hunt for sport. But, I still feel sick when I think about it.
That was the first and it was the last time I will ever hunt animalsfor sport. I do enjoy bird hunting. For some reason it doesn't bother me.

People, people on the other hand... some people don't deserve the same quick kill that a hunt deserves. I have met several fitting that category. But who am I to condemn them.
But.......
Make no mistake! ! I have no problem killing for food.
I'll kill for vengeance, for mercy.
And certainly I'll kill for revenge....All Depending on my mood! ? ! ? ! ? All Depending on who I love that has been hurt.

But I will not kill for sport. Not like that.
But Revenge...sure, for Justice... absolutely...
I can feel my heart pumping just thinking about it!

But.......
I guess It Just depends on how a man feels from day to day!
Vengeful? Or Benevolent?
Angry? Or Forgiving?
Who knows where the whims of a man may fall? ?