Forgiveness Poem by JAMES T. ADAIR

Forgiveness
its a difficut thing to come by
long after the tears we did cry
I confess

Lingering is the pain
of love in vain
of expecting love in return
for things we thought we did earn

Even if we seek to forgive
if it is just forgiveness in name
then we still harbor blame
and its difficult to give

If I say I forgive you
and it is not said true
it is not in my heart
and that's the difficult part

I'm not so high
in fact I don't care if you know
I'm feeling so empty and low
even if it doesn't show

But I think my eyes betray
the inner pain and strain
of what feels taken from me in vain
and has left it's scar and it's stain

If I hug you and say I love you
it's what I wish I did feel
but all I feel is hurt
and as lowly as dirt

My heart has been compressed
depressed and distressed
It's a vicious circle with no end
and on me alone I've learned to depend

I stagger through life
and no longer expect much
I don't seek anyone to be just a crutch
but I wish I could count on someone in a clutch
and feel care in their touch

I wish I could fogive you true
but there is little I can do
because even to see you makes me so blue
bottled up all the things that you do

So I give you a hug and say I love
and you cling to me briefly and don't say a thing
but inside I know it has a hollow ring
because sad memories you bring

I remember the day's we rode bikes
and went for hikes and skied down the slopes
and we laughed and jumped ropes
and built so many bright hopes

I remeber the Jenny wrens
we pretended were our little friends
I remember the skating on the frozen lake
and the cakes we used to bake

I remember the first fish we caught
and the pretty blue dress we made
with the white glass buttons I bought
and all the battles for you I fought

I remember the little race car we built
and how special being your dad felt
I remember you running after me on the beach
getting close to me but unable to reach

I remember the storybooks we used to read
learning the difference between giving and greed
but all along, from me you wished to be freed
and now you've got all the things you need

And now the world wants me to forgive
I've already given all I have to give
and now I just want to remember how to live
as life leaks from me like a sieve

The holidays are for me so hard
I struggle even to send you a card
because what can it say?
after so much has been thown away

But I'll send you one
what pride I have left I swallow
because I shield you from my pain
and struggle not to give up and wallow

Merry Christmas
something simple it will say
before it's quicky forgotten
or thrown away

And you will address one to me
Love from Calla and Me!
but one day does not undo 364
and all the years before
I broke my own heart
dreaming there was something more

And now before my sadness
squeezes my tears out of me
I wish only that I can be set free
of the dungeon you gave to me
nothing is as it used to be

These meaningless words and feelings
they have no real expression
While others are worried about the recession
sadness is my confession

I never should have stayed in your live
saving your from struggle, uncertainty and strife
it hurts to know
I should have abandoned you
a long time ago
and now I feel a man lost
with nowhere left to go
and my broken heart is torn
to and fro
but I loved you

just through the motions I go
out of sadness I feel myself grow
the true joys of being a daughter
you'll never know
or the depth of the hurt I struggle not to show
and I know its my fate to go
I just hope it is somewhere more kind
hope its something more I find
somwhere with more to be happy for
and less to remind
I have a heart and I have a mind
and I'm not so blind
as you wish me to be

Someday you may realize
and cry tears for the things lost
someday you may feel their cost
But I'll likely never know
But if I ever did see you broken and sad
my heart would likely think back
to being your dad
and the beautiful things we had
and maybe then I'd feel
a little of the pain unpeel
enough maybe to forgive
in a way that feels real

© James T. Adair