Grieving My Mum Poem by Allison Riches

Grieving my Mum


Dear Mum, I remember grooming my womble aged nine at prep school;
My three foot Orinoco and a childhood shielded from life;
I craved you and dad’s attention
Wondering what it was I had to do in life
So you may catch a fleeting glimpse
Of a magical daughter;
To hold your breath for a second
Then give a standing ovation whilst applauding her.

I recall aspiring to be average, to blend into the crowd;
To be ignored, no name out loud;
A geeky thin blank piece of paper;
Hatched then survived, courtesy of Mother Nature.

I changed over time
Indifference my defence;
Feeling unwanted and a failure
I chose rebellion, followed by arrogance.

I reflect on the past and I hate myself,
So wrapped up with self pity at times;
I’m crying whilst writing this but feel a personal cleansing;
To look at my weakness, something that combines
Hidden guilt, selfishness, deception
Realisation, then perception;

I embrace the freedom that knowledge can bring;
Though I am suddenly starting to realise
This lesson is personal despite my hopes of sharing,
Many touch many lives, but don’t assume there’s only the one level of caring.

Pride often the antibiotic to self denial,
If you discover this prescription then you are sure to survive.
It means you have inner strength, a self preservation.
Short term its the better, though, a temporary stage in a life;

At least pride buys time for you to escape in order to look;
A physical existence, though emotionally no level is too low;
Yet to breath, no longer cry, feelings dead to the past,
At least recognise, and then its your time to open and grow.

My story of guilt, as you’ve taken time to read it,
Is that I was the fool assuming the role of God the Eternal;
A gift of survival – or at least until I’d dealt with other things;
The loving daughter who’d soon share the knowledge of the maternal.

Then she died, and it was too late;
Of all the things that I had given priority
Finished or not, are so irrelevant now;
I’m filled with self hate
My guilt steals my liberty;

As a child I craved her attention;
In death she craved mine;
But She embraced her unknown path
Not wishing to interrupt the life I was trying to define.

In all these years I had learnt nothing;
Self obsessed, defending a private non existent war;
Based on insecurities which were always my own
In my head, no one else’s, from time passed before.

My lesson has left me with a scar I’ll always bare;
Yet the irony is that since losing my Mum
The love of others can’t replace or compare;
So uncertainty is replaced with knowledge
A cynical survival with underlying despair;

Its for the love of my children
When I see their personalities grow;
I stop and I realise
I am my Mum and that’s when I know…

I love you, mum.

Allison Riches, copyright 2007