Hard Without Drugs Poem by Stella Andrews

sometimes i find myself alone at night
in my bed with my knees pulled to my chest,
with tears escaping my eyes and sad memories
invading and plaguing my mind

i have a new way of living life
'if its in the past then you can't change it.
so there's no point in dwelling
just take what you have and work from there'

i guess iv chosen to suppress and forget
all the bad that's ever happened
i imagine there's an iron case around my heart
so nothing can touch it, or hurt it..

but late at night, when all i can hear are the crickets
and my mind slows down and runs out of excuses
i begin to think.

i used to get high every time i started to think
so high that i thought about nothing at all
only the bliss of my motionless, meaningless
emotion drained body.. that would float away to a happier place

but now i don't have those drugs
and i can no longer escape.
i can't drift away and stroll
through the clouds

i can't make my body feel warm and fuzzy
with not a single care in the world
counting the seconds till all my pain
will just disappear.

iv been here for 7 months..
i don't cry at night anymore
and iv been sleeping too
but its nights like this one

that makes me go from feeling strong and alive
to angry and sad and helpless.
i can only watch as the past comes alive behind my eyes
itching itself within my body

these few tears i cry tonight,
i swear will be my last
or at least ill try