How To Apologize Without Saying I'm Or Sorry Poem by Maya Hanson

Lying
for me
is like a second skin.

All those times I talk
all those times you believe me
it's like a battle
but I always hide your weapons

and when I could hear the song of ashes in your eyes
life caught up to me.

This is the best I can do to atone
I wish I could paint you in something real,
I wish I could paint you on every wall,
I wish I could pull you up every mountain you ever find.
This is how I will forgive myself.
This is how I will forgive knowing
you will never forgive me.

So I will stand here,
put my fear on wings
just to see the reflection of my apology
on your skin.

These are the only words I'll use
I have burned so many days
with the aftermath of my own insanity
I look down at this body like half a piece of driftwood
trying to find my way to the river
but every time I turn around there's another pair of jaws.

These are the only words I'll use to say
I don't want to live any more days
knowing I lit the fire in your head
knowing I've sworn a blood oath to the reason you can't sleep

There is blood in this river,
we have swallowed it down
but it is no longer a scar
it is a blood promise
and I need to let it make us whole

So I've collected some
little pebbles
they're not much
but I'll stay here till dawn scratches open the sky
throwing them at your window
so I can learn how to unsleep like you
so I can learn how to bleed like you
so I can learn how I made you choke
so maybe
you might open the window again.