samantha garza

Rookie (lamesa, texas)

Hurt - Poem by samantha garza

Why do you hurt me so much?
Again and again I do nothing and yet here you are hurting me as if I have committed an unforgettable and atrocious act that dictates the most severe punishments.
Why do you do it?
Do you even care that you hurt me with all that you say?
All that you do?
All that your body language projects towards me?
All that your voice accuses me of?
Tell me what have I done?
I demand to know what has you so upset that even the thought of looking at me sends you fleeing from my presence.
I try to talk to you but your not there.
I try to see you and you disappear like a cloud of smoke in a heavy wind.
I try to apologize and yet you don’t give me a chance to reconcile our differences.
You don’t give me a chance to let go of the guilt that I feel, even though I know I should not be feeling anything.
I have a demon living inside me, hurting me every time I try to jump across the abyss that I seem to have made on my own.
No matter how much effort I try to put into the jump to happiness it seems that this messed up world, I just so happen to inhibit, wont let me.
It keeps me chained with guilt and pain.
Try as I might nothing changes.
My position never changes.
I am and will always be falling into the pain.
The pain caused by your treatment of me.
Pain caused by my actions and their consequences- the loss of my best friend, my confident.
I never wanted to say good-bye.
I only wanted to find happy.
Is that so hard to believe?
Is that so hard to comprehend?
Am I not worthy of happiness, is that it?
Am I not flesh and blood?
Am I not human enough?
Do I not get a chance at being happy because I hide my emotions?
Just because I hide them doesn’t mean I don’t have any.
I do.
Trust me.
I've found out first hand what happens when you let the ones that are suppose to take care of you, the ones that are suppose to be there for you, find out you can feel.
First always comes the tentative happiness.
That feeling that nothing can ever hurt you.
That that person will always be there for you.
Then comes the contentment.
There is a kind of euphoric peace that settles over you.
It engulfs you to the point you notice nothing else, and at this point you already know that if you lost that happiness and contentment you might be able to recover.
You haven't fallen completely.
Not yet at least…..
And finally the disappointment.
That is the most crushing feeling ever.
It destroys you because you know what happiness and goodness tastes like.
You know what it is like to be loved.
Or at least you knew.
Now no one wants to even be seen near you.
You are an outcast yet again.
And it hurts.
So much so that sometimes you wish that you had just lived your life without ever having loved.
You just want to be alone.
I know what it is like to be alone.
I have been for only God knows how long.

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Poem Submitted: Wednesday, April 21, 2010

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