Samantha White

Rookie (September 21,1991 / Forestville, CA)

I'M So Sorry - Poem by Samantha White

Before I left I made a promise to you,

I told you I would never go with anyone else.

We are both hurt and don’t know what to do,

you deserve some one better than me.

Someone who will never hurt you,

who will never do anything behind your back.

I know the past hurt that you have been through,

And now it has happened again.

I told you about my mistake out of guilt,

I truly hate myself for what I did.

Now all the trust that we had built,

Is destroyed because I messed up.

I really hope you can forgive me,

and give me another chance.

But if not then we can still be friends,

but I will always love you.

I know I already told you what happened,

and it made you really hurt and mad.

But I am going to explain everything again,

only because I don’t want to lose you.

Before now guys had never noticed me,

but at the camp there were many.

There was one who seemed like a nice guy,

I don’t know what I was thinking when I said yes.

He asked me to have a camp relationship,

which to me didn’t mean anything.

So I said yes while not really thinking straight,

Feeling and acting drunk.

Hardly eating anything and having alcohol,

made me very vulnerable.

Though it was just in medicine that I need,

I was weak and gave in to it.

Later that night as we watched the stars,

and I acted as I hardly ever act.

He put his arm around me and I almost came to my senses,

But not enough to tell him no.

When it was time to go to bed,

and he asked for a goodnight kiss.

I said no and tried to walk away,

But he pulled me towards him still.

Having no experience in this,

I didn’t know what to do.

I just stood there as he kissed me,

It only lasted for about a second.

The next day I was feeling normal,

But also a little guilty.

I heard him telling everyone we had made out,

and that he could have sex with anyone he wanted.

I confronted him and he denied saying that,

But still I told him no.

I told him I already had someone at home,

and I just couldn’t even like anyone else.

Then he became just my friend,

and everything was fine.

But still I felt so much guilt,

though I had had no control.

He had forced the kiss on me,

I didn’t want to kiss him I wanted my first kiss to be with you.

Then there was yet another guy who liked me,

He was sweet and nice but not like you.

He put his arm around me quite a few times,

But didn’t do anything more.

That lasted about 4 or 5 days,

and then Will had to leave.

I liked him but he didn’t even come close to you,

No one ever could.

There was an older guy who really wanted me,

He jumped on me once at a dance.

I was scared but Will pushed him off of me,

and he stayed away after that.

But when Will left he came after me again,

He was just way to desperate.

I told him I had a boyfriend at home,

But he said that he wanted to replace you.

He said he wanted to visit me at home,

that he was really jealous and cared about me.

He told me a lot of things you have told me,

but I know he wasn’t serious and didn’t mean it.

I know that you mean everything you say,

and I hate him for trying to replace you.

I was sad so he put his arm around me,

and then told me all those things.

He then said he really felt like kissing me,

and leaned toward me.

I edged away and turned my head,

He barely kissed the corner of my mouth.

I really didn’t want that kiss at all,

but then he did something worse.

Slowly slipping his arm from my shoulder to my waist,

I felt more and more uncomfortable.

He moved his hand up even more,

I was really scared.

But then another guy came and pushed him away,

told him to leave me alone.

After that he stayed away,

And no more guys tried anything else.

This all just goes to show I have no experience,

with relationships or even guys at all.

I need a little help here and there,

I hope you can understand.

I am trying to do the best i can,

trying hard to prove my love for you.

But then I made that terrible mistake,

and I know I am losing you.

By: Samantha White

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Poem Submitted: Saturday, December 3, 2005

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