If I Were… Poem by Anna Nicholas

If I were to die today, and God asked if there's anything I'd like to ask? My first question would be why was I born this way? A life that many would see as privileged, because I learned how to hide pain. Constantly In fear of my own thoughts, and feeling ashamed. So many words held back, because saying them out loud meant they were real. I would ask why did love feel like the furtherest thing away from me? The more I tried to grasp it … it seem to flee, like I was plagued with a disease that made love run away from me. I would ask why couldn't anyone see the real me? The Anna that craved to be loved in such a way that made me feel secure enough to just be me! The Anna that overthinks, and is her own biggest critic. The Anna that gave until she felt depleted, because giving made her feel needed. I would ask, for forgiveness, for not being able to embrace myself as God sees me.