'I'm Fine.' Poem by Carrot Miller

Why do I hate myself?
Why do I cry at the little things about my body?
Why do I think too hard about things that are 'just jokes'?
Why am I like this.

There I go again slamming my door
Falling into my bed,
And lying in tears.
Because I'm just too childish.

I don't know real pain, stress, or hurt,
What a joke.
The line I hear all my life,
The thing that sets off the tears
The thing that cuts into my heart.

Why is it like this?
Every single smile and laugh,
Forced and rehearsed,
Like a play that never comes to an end.

Just another restless night.
Then a storm of fake smiles to get me through the day
Then it repeats.

When will it change?
When will I stop going through this hateful cycle?
When will I truly be free?

It makes me sick.
Like I want to vomit but can't
It makes me lie still on my bed just crying silently, too afraid to even make a sound.
It hurts so much that I want to scream and cry,
I want to cry
Please let me cry
I need to cry
Just let me cry!
In peace.

And of course there I go yet again!
Scaring off the only people still willing to tolerate my 'moods'.
I wish it wasn't this way
I wish I had a say,
And that my body didn't just take over before my mind can react.
But that's the way it is.
Unfortunately so.

So please if you can hear this,
Hear me,
You're better off just leaving me alone.
I'm fine.
Really I am,
for now at least.