Jems The Master Farter Poem by Chris Higginson

Jems the Master Farter

In the Central African country of Malawi a law has been “passed” that outlaws the “passing of wind” in public spaces. People can be tried and convicted under this law, but how do you confine them?
My friend Jems (James) is the latest victim of this diabolical ruling...


 Jems, the Master Farter, was due in court today
Accused of disobedience and starting an affray
“M'lud, he wrecked the Market Place! ” the Prosecutor said
“He blew away the pots and pans, there's several people dead! ”

The Judge? ... He had to ponder this 'gravitas' affair
He wanted to just scratch his head, but had a wig on there
So then he did the next best thing, which was to pick his nose
His finger vanished right up there, when then a wind arose

The blast, it seems, came out from Jems, it was a little one
The courtroom windows all blew out, the fun had just begun
The glass it scattered 'cross the street and pattered on the church
On which the windows were all stained, knocked pigeons from their perch

Court Officials disappeared before that dreadful cloud
They ran outside escaping with the panic stricken crowd
The Judge was in his Chambers in need of some First Aid
And Jems just stood confused and hurt, alone but unafraid

It took a week for all the claims of damage to be filed
They understood confining Jems would have the Jailers riled
There was no-where in all the land that Jems could be restrained
Even in the open air in spite that he be chained

Jems was known throughout the land from Blantyre to the Lake
Lillongwe and Salima had both been made to shake
At Hastings Banda's funeral he'd sounded the “Last Post”
But he's never played a bugle, at least that is his boast

Malawi’s Parliament convened to try to find solution
To save the country's wildlife, and the people's evolution
They all agreed the only course, “Expel Jems and his Farts”
But airplanes wouldn't carry him, nor cars, nor trains nor carts

At last they got a flat-bed on the Cape to Cairo Rail
And they strapped him to the middle with some straps that wouldn't fail
They fuelled him with a can of beans some onions and some fruit
Then lit a match and ran like hell, as Jems commenced to flute

 Well that supersonic flat-bed passed an Airbus on its way
As it shot right past Nairobi and the Masai Mara vlei
Khartoum city came and went, the track was broken now
But it didn't really matter as below he saw a dhow

Sailing quite serenely on the River Nile it went
As the supersonic flat-bed hit the sail and caused a rent
With clouds of steam and crashing waves Jems wriggled himself free
And paddled to the shore and saw a sight that sore eyes see

There he saw before him a pyramid of rock
With another and another all so big he had a shock
There were multitudes of people chanting “Get Mubarak Out”
Jems was feeling so relived he joined the public shout

That was when it all went wrong.. he let a small one off
It was almost nearly silent... just like a little cough
The crowd, they screamed they ran and hid, all to no avail
That deadly cloud of noxious fumes caused them all to wail

The frogs emerged on river banks, the water turned to blood
The locusts fell from out the sky, like Sadam's army's skud
A greybeard gent with flowing robes cried, “Set my people Free! ”
And the crowds they galloped after him towards the Great Red Sea

Well Jems ran too, he was confused, why was there such a fuss?
He'd only just expressed himself, he didn't swear or cuss
And as he ran the crowds ran too until they hit the beach
The land of South Arabia was way beyond their reach

The multitude they stood and cried, Mabarak's tanks drew near
Nothing gets a farter farting... than a modicum of fear
Well Jems let fly, a Monster Fart, a Thundercloud of grey
That blew the whales and waves and fish a mile or more away

The people ran on now dry land to flee the regime forces
The tanks and planes and armoured trains and sheiks upon their horses
And when they reached the other side the seas came crashing back
Enough to frighten turtles as the skies had all turned black

Well Jems had saved the people from a fate much worse than death
But the ending of this story concerns a 'falling short of breath'
'Cause at this time the world was watched by Spacial Observations
The Martians flying overhead with galactic class space stations

But when they sent a sampler down to test the atmosphere
They found it to be noxious gas, unbreathable I fear
So Jems in fact has saved the world from alien infiltration
Not bad for one Malwai lad denied his liberation

Chris Higginson
Pouilly-sur-Saone
2011