Frank Ian Bowen
Lancelot And Guinevere - Poem by Frank Ian Bowen
When Guinevere was locked in cell
She sounded off a MEGA-YELL!
‘Save me, save me’ she cried so hard.
The king is cruel, he’s marked my card.
Where is my knight to rescue me?
She sobbed, with broken heart, you see.
That YELL it sounded far and wide
E’en to the place where knights reside
And Lancelot, that handsome hunk,
confessing sins to trappist monk
had ear drum vibe from MEGA_YELL
Each word was clear to brave Sir L.
“Now listen monk” L cried out loud
“I’ve heard a plea from maiden cowed.”
“She’s trapped in cell above the ground.”
“A beauteous maid who king will hound”
“No time to ponder; ‘tis time to act”
“To Lady G I make this pact”
“No matter what my Lady G”
“I, Lancelot, will rescue thee”
“From regal prison and lewd intent.”
“You’ll find this knight is heaven-sent.”
“And once the rescue doth succeed”
“I should depart on trusty steed.”
“Send pigeon post to this fair maid.”
“Tell her that I know she said”
“ ‘Save me! Save me! ’ From the tower, ”
“and that I’ll be there in just an hour.”
“I have my ropes and grappling gear.”
“I’ll climb the tower, never fear.”
And when I get there I’m going to bet
The maid will say “A kiss thee’l get”
“For rescuing me from regal deed”
“I need to thank Sir L, indeed.”
“I’m clad in armour, dented, true, ”
“but still I’ll climb to rescue you.”
So pigeon flew and message gave
To Lady G. “My knight me’ll save”
“I’ll watch for him with hope indeed”
“He’ll come for me on trusty steed”
“Then climb the tower, all hundred feet
Through window clamber, then we’ll meet”
“Oh, Sir Knight”, I’ll swoon with heart,
“You’ve rescued me and now I’ll start”
“to give reward, I promised this, ”
“I’ll pucker up and plant big kiss”
“upon his cheek, which shaven clean”
“will taste divine, I’ll on him lean.”
She lay down then, and tried to sleep,
but all excited, awake did keep,
and so she wished for help to rest
from spirits listening. ‘You must test
resolve of knight, before he leaps
be sure that he his promise keeps.’
All this from spirits she did learn,
but still for brave Sir L did yearn.
The dungeon mouse came out that night
Crept slowly round, his step real light
He climbed up post of bed in use
Saw G asleep and thought of goose,
“My, my, if I were only handsome prince
This maid I would my troth evince”!
Now up in rafters pigeon slept,
His mission done and secret kept
He billed and cooed and puffed his chest
Unlike poor G, he don’t need nest!
For pigeon Pete was courier just
He had no energy for lust! !
As G dreamt dreams of knights so bold
Her bedding slipped and she got cold
And then to try to warm up skin
(For don’t forget in cell she’s been)
She rubbed two sticks to warm the air
Producing smoke and then red flare!
She rose so quick, her bed alight
“My God! My God! Where is my knight? ”
“For now this lady’s heart’s on fire”
“I pray that Lancelot’s not tired”
“For he must come to deal with flames”
“And then I’ll thank him ‘nuff to shame! ”
“Oh pigeon Pete, will not you take”
“my plea for help? There’s lots at stake.”
“I need my Lancelot right now.! ”
“I care not what, or where or how! ”
“For soon the King may come for me”
“For sure he won’t be wanting tea! ”
So, pigeon Pete flew like the breeze
He found Sir L, and said, with wheeze
“Sir Knight! Sir Knight! You must come quick! ”
“Around Gwen’s bed large flames do lick! ”
“In mortal danger now is she”
“Her message short, ‘Can’st rescue me? ’”
“Tell me bird, what caused this fire? ”
“Was it match or maid’s desire? ”
“No, no, Sir Knight, ‘twas no such thing”
“her knees were trembling ‘ cos the King”
“was ‘spected, to knock on door of Guinevere.”
“Of his intent she is in fear.”
“Gadzooks! In sooth, I must leave now! ”
“To rescue damsel, though God knows how! ”
“My steed is drunk from too much mead, ”
“ ‘cos stable lad did mix in’t feed.”
“I’ve kicked his rump to kingdom come, ”
“but did not help. What’s to be done? ”
Then up rolled Merlin, wizard wise
“What Knight now needs is means to fly, ”
“so, take this broomstick Lancelot, ”
“this is time to loiter not.”
“Place left hand here; now grasp it tight, ”
“right hand there, with me recite.”
“By all that’s in my maiden’s head, ”
“take me broomstick to her bed”
“that I may flame and fire quench, ”
“And claim reward from nubile wench! ”
With that the broomstick raised from ground;
took off with knight at speed of sound.
It looped the loop and Victory rolled
Then headed off for northern pole
Sharp right at Iceland, left a bit
Took Sir L for midnight flit.
“Now then broomstick, what’s your game? ”
“You’ve taken ‘vantage ‘cos steed is lame.”
What L knew not, nor Merlin wise,
was that King’s wicked witch had spied,
the goings-on to rescue G,
and in the ointment, witch threw flea!
“Heh – heh” she cackled, “I’ll spike his gun”
“I’ll curse his broomstick! ‘T’will be done! ”
“King will thank me for my spell”
“Perhaps for Queen me choose as well! ”
“My warty nose and livid lips”
Will bring such joy to regal kips! ”
“He’ll know not what to ask for next”
And I, of course, shall act all vexed! ! ”
“But first the knight must crash and burn”
“Despite the lady’s depth of yearn, ”
“she too must perish in the flame.”
“For King must never me find blame.”
“So! Crash now broom! Straight to the ground, ”
“so’s knight’s remains will ne’er be found.”
What sorcery this? The witch’s spell?
Not cast in heaven – perhaps in hell!
But fear not reader. There’s twist in tale
For Merlin’s magic made witch pale.
he’d strapped on ‘chute to broomstick’s brush.
In case of trouble, L could rush
to nearest exit, left or right,
then jump with chute on, landing light!
“No! No! It can’t be so! ”
“How does Merlin always know? ”
And witch did hop both up and down,
her brow all wrinkled with shocking frown.
She shook and cackled, foamed at the mouth,
broke out in sweat and spun to south,
then screamed she loud so all could hear
“I’m banished now for a hundred year! ”
A cloud of smoke, it’s colour blue
Rose up in sky and wind then blew
The witch’s vapours into space.
Now to the rescue L could race.
He captured horse in forest wild,
hopped up on back and spoke so mild
“Come, come, my beauty, your help I need”
“to ‘complish very dangerous deed.”
The horse, called Dobbin, pricked up ears,
And as he listened felt his tears
Well up and dropp down dappled cheek.
“I’ll help thee find the maid you seek.”
And with these words he galloped fast
‘Cross forest, heath and long tall grass
The miles flew by ‘neath Dobbin’s hooves
‘Til on horizon they spied tiled roves (sic) .
“Well done, old Dobbin, there is the tower, ”
“Now I must rescue maid in’t hour”
“What can I use for climbing heights? ”
“ ‘Cos window’s there, the one with lights.”
Old Dobbin looked up and shook his head.
“Sir knight, does maiden sleep in bed? ”
For if she does, her sheets give hope”
“if knot she ties in sheets for rope.”
“well, well, old nag, you’re not so daft! ”
But how to get the maid to graft? ”
“She’s very cultured, fine and fair, ”
“She knows no knots – the cupboard’s bare! ! ”
“Take heart, Sir Knight, look through the mist”
“Is that not maid now blowing kiss? ”
“ ‘Tis true! She does! Let’s ride to tower, ”
“to rescue her within the hour.”
O’er hill and vale the pair progressed,
‘cross streams and brooks until, you’ve guessed,
they stopped at tower’s base so tall
Looked up and heard Gwen’s plaintive call,
“Oh Sir Launcelot! You’re here, ”
“the flames are hot, my skin is seered”
“Come hither knight, come rescue me.”
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