Last Year, Depression Poem by Angela Bontle Ditumiso

Last year this time
I was house with no windows
Couldn't stop being consumed by gloom
3 in the morning depression would sound the alarm
I would wake up to babysit sadness
With a heavy heart

By 8 I'd be on the couch
Crying my eyes out
Crying for no particular reason
Wishing things were different
But by different not knowing I meant happy

I remember everything then was amiss
But everything was in its rightful place
I knew I should be happy
But I wasn't
I knew I deserved more out of life
But I didn't

I remember every day the sun came out
Blackened
Every seedling came out dying
There was no hope for me
I too was shriveling

My thoughts became loud
My thoughts became sharp
They'd scream and pierce me
I'd sleep to escape them
For that reason my bed
Was synonymous to sanctuary
I never wanted to escape it

I remember the rays of sun would mock me
I'd close the curtains so I wouldn't see them happy
I'd close them so I wouldn't see them
Having what I lacked