~letter To Him... A Blank Sheet Of Paper...~ (Thls Is Really Long) Poem by Alandra Nicole Moreira

Everything I said was not true
I didn’t mean a word of it
Anger and confusion led me to
Hurt you
But now when you walk away
All I want is for you to stay
And now when you decide to leave
I realize, it is you that I need

I can’t escape this feeling
I can’t describe it either
It’s so hollow and so deep
But not fully empty

You told me you were leaving
And I didn’t believe you
You told me you had changed
I denied it, but I felt it too
You said you didn’t love me anymore
But then you kissed me as passionate as our first

When you did, I fought hard to hide my tears
How could you do something like that?
I watched you walk into the building
And for a long time I stood there hoping you’d walk back out
But you didn’t

I walked as fast as I could back to Turner Hall
But my dorm was not close enough
A rain I was fighting back, fell down
A look of anger and confusion on my face

Friends asked me what was wrong, and worried when I did not answer
They’d always known me to be strong
But no one knows that I’m not
Until now

When I got to my room
I cursed, I yelled, I screamed, and through it all
I cried

I told you this would happen
I knew myself that this would happen
And when it did
For some reason, I didn’t expect it

I stayed in my room the entire weekend
I wasn’t hungry either
Friends tried to get off campus or at least down to the field
But I just sat there. I just cried, hoped, and wrote
I kept over and over again hearing those words…
The last of which to me you spoke

And it hurt
It hurt bad

Come Monday
I still wasn’t ready
But with a smile on my face
A heart most in depthly out of place
And a tear trying to hide
I went to class
Showing nothing but pride

I faked a laugh if I could
Only one friend saw through it
She tried to relate, but she knew she couldn’t
Then again soon after, we split too

I’ve been trying everything to get you back
To see if maybe there was A connection somewhere between us
We did not know about
But I’ve learned to trust in doubt

I swear on Earth you’re no longer a part of me
But that is a lie not even I believe

I can still feel it you know…
How you were always warm
How you’d wrap your arms around me tighter the closer I got
The emotion you bounced to me…

LOL I still have that bouncy ball you gave me
And all those pictures…

It seems so long ago
I believed in fairytales
Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty
Snow White and Belle
But I must remember
That only in the beginning are the stories real

I smile now because I remember
Getting into trouble, sneaking around, and being late
Because we never had enough time

I remember watching you march at home parades
And listening for you when I couldn’t see
I remember walking down and up that hill with you
I remember you before we met
How’d you always walk it alone
Always seem a little out of place
I remember asking friends about you and no one knew
How I had always wanted to talk to you
But you always left before class was dismissed

I remember you fussing about your hair
It still makes me laugh
That day before the last band trip
You hair all wet
Standing in front of the bus side mirror with your comb
I was trying to explain that it looked fine
And how you fussed with it anyway

I remember playing 20 questions
When we were supposed to be asleep
All the questions you asked
And all the answers you gave
I still have that competition story you sent my too

I decided that if I was busy enough
I wouldn’t have time to think
So I wouldn’t be able to
Remember
But I do

Just today I was on the Metro
On my way to work Red and Orange lines
A man and a woman both no more than 25
She was leaning on him and kissed him softly
She stood by his side
Holding onto his arm tight and resting her head on it
And he’d look down upon her
With the purest of love shown on his expression
An expression with his eyes
One that I can remember somehow
It was the way you once looked at me

And I longed for nothing else
But I tried to distract myself
So I pulled out my book and open to page 158 and started to read
‘I looked out the window and saw my car was the only in the parking lot I’ll pick you up at 8, ” Hunter said and then he kissed me softly, and I wished I didn’t have to go…’
And I shut the book right there
The thought of you follows me
And it’s EVERYWHERE

Yesterday the 7th Weekend after school has ended
I was at Dover Air Force Base for a C-17 Flight Orientation
And we flew over North Carolina and Before I knew what I had said
I’d said my boyfriend lives in South Carolina,
And then I had to correct myself
It stung worse that frost bite
But the a bunch of kids starting jumping around and getting hurt
So I turned all attention to them
Trying hard to forget that I had said anything about you

I hadn’t realized I’d said it and surprised myself by doing so
I haven’t spoken about you since I’ve been home except to Preston
Not even my CAPT knows about you

LOL and this weekend James and Eli
Are both dragging me to the movies
They’re pulling and mom’s pushing
But I’m still stuck in the mud
Stuck on you

How I miss you
And your weird little laugh that always made me laugh back
And your corny jokes that you enjoyed making
I enjoyed watching the joy on your face as you made them
You three different smiles and 2 different frowns
And even that glare and flame you get in your eyes when you get mad
That I’m so scared of

There is so much I still remember…
Your Clemson University cap that I’d ‘fight’ you for
You didn’t leave it at the Indian place by the way
I went back and check
So it is somewhere in my house

Sometimes I feel like saying I’m sorry
For everything that’s true, but most of all
I’m sorry for ever falling for you
But I can’t say it Because it’s not true
And because I haven’t fallen out of love with you

Walker I’m waiting
I don’t know what for
But my conscience won’t let me go
Something nags me at the back of my mind
And I don’t know what it is…

Something you said maybe
No not ‘I love you’ but something else…
Not the poem you wrote… Yea I still have that too
I don’t know… It was something that you said that never added up
But I can’t remember what it was

I thought if I wrote all this down, somehow, I’d forget
See it angers me I mean it ANGERS me that you won’t go away
I mean yes of course I want you to stay
Even as a friend in the least but you haven’t degraded yourself
But if you really must go
Down a path I cannot follow
If you really must go then just do so

We’ll speak next when we do
We’ll meet next when we do
If you must go
Then honestly leave
Because I can’t mend my heart
Unless you give me back your piece

You ignore me, but my ignoring me I sense you holding onto something
And it is the piece of the heart that you never gave back
Part of me thinks that somewhere deep inside of you, you just don’t want to give it back
Another says I may have to go forever without it
And the other says that it is me holding on to it,
Standing by the last line of the door
Hoping you’ll take it back
And I don’t know which part to believe
And I can’t ask you because whatever you really feel you’ll deny!

I see right through people, and you know that
I always know their intention
And always know what their thinking feeling, wanting, needing
I’ve spent my entire life reading people like books
And Walker, your book is made of a whole bunch of words in lines that don’t make sense…
I don’t get it… it angers me sometime but mostly it just hurts… still

I tell myself I hate you, I told Preston I hated you and of course he knows I don’t
And of course he made all the right excuses for you
‘he’ll come around’, ‘I didn’t see this coming’, ‘No, he loves you and he knows it too’, ‘give him time’, ‘well it’s his loss and he won’t be able to bare it’, ‘look at this way, he’s played the fool and your still shining bright as a sun’

Bright as a sun… I feel as dark as the night after the sun exploded!

Somehow I’ve got to cry all this out
My tears Are holding back and I don’t know why
I tell them that if they’re waiting for you they might as well fall
Because I know you’re not coming home back

Everyone says that you played the fool in this game, but I was the fool
Because I knew, I knew, that you were a trap
A fake Cinderella plot
And yet I welcomed it, fell straight into it
And then hated myself after everything was all said and done

I don’t want to keep writing about you
But I don’t know what else I can do
I’ve lost my mind it seems to me
No one even knows I still think about you
Everyone at home thinks I’ve moved on
Only one who knows is Preston
Before Katie left, cause she came over after school,
She didn’t think it mattered since you were ignoring me
Well, it mattered.

I keep listening to ‘Blank sheet of Paper by Tim McGraw,
I don’t know why, but it reminds me of you
Of course in the song I’m both
The man writing the letter and the blank sheet of paper

I have paper, I have a pen, I have the subject, but I don’t have the words… that’s how it feels
This IS the paper, the original IS in pen, you ARE the subject,
But 13 pages later (This is the short version)
I still don’t have the words

Well, I have words they’re just not
The RIGHT words
And without them, well…
I can write legions of pages and still be a blank sheet of paper