Lizee Beth

Rookie (July 21,1994 / Ashville, North Carolina)

My Dreary Heart - Poem by Lizee Beth

My Dreary Heart Feb.3,2011
the sky so high
so dark to sad
the land so plain
the clouds have gone
goodbye to blue
hello to the moon
its so dark
how can I tell
where my heart is now
its all so different
and hard to tell
the story from here
why cant this all just stay
instead they fade away
the dusk at night
finds its fight
and leaves it to us
to find our ways
the waves are to bumpy
its hard to not fall
I have fallen deep down
way below the ground
its so hard to stand back up
to see the sun rise on up
if you come up
it will be more down
and even harder all the time
the sun is so bright
like that sweet smile
but when your'e down
there is a frown
im not sure how
but there is no matter what
how can someone like me and you
go through all this evil pain
its just not right
and nothing makes since
on to how this could have happened
what made it so bad
that I couldn't stand
was it something, someone
or was it me
I don't know but soon I will
I will find out
what has been causing
all this evil pain,
it just isn't fair
for one to handle a pair
its so hard to tear
and put back together
I cry so hard
but no one hears
am I really that depressing
I feel so empty
so unloved
so forgotten
I just wish I had someone
someone who knows me
someone who cares for me
and someone who loves me
not for who the want me to be
but for who I am
I hate when people judge me
I dont think it's right
people start arguements
when is comes to judging
it can be a real pain
like a pain in the heart
feeling like its falling apart
falling real quickly
not just slipping
but falling like a comet
a comet from the space
full of solid ice
when it falls it shatters
shatters in to a million bits
the heart is so dark
its as dark as the night time sky
my heart is so black
so dreary inside
this may be the reason
why im so sad every season
it gets to hard
to where I cant stand
I feel so heavy
its just so weird
I hate my heart
especially when its black
my heart gets so heavy
when I talk to family
they must be the reason
to my dreary black heart
why on this earth
should I be here
it isnt a good place
for me or my heart
I should be alone
alone in hell
where my darkness
wont hurt anyone
the only one I could hurt
would be myself, and me alone
why must I feel like this
its so hard for those
around to see me in pain
all they gain
is the pain im in
somehow I spread the pain
and the waves just get rougher
I hope I dont cause to much more
because my friends may not be here
here on earth much longer
the waves will get to rough
to where they overcap and steal my friends
and carry them out to the sea
the brutal, harsh, terrifying sea
seagulls hover the sky
waiting for a friend to leave
they fly up to heaven
while the birds feast
its so traumatic for those who see
but they wont remember what they saw
they would be to busy
starting a new life
up in heaven with their father
that they use to know through prayer
but now they'll know through death
its hard to believe
but times are hard
and its hard to cross
the stormy waters
you just have to forget about it
the troubles and pains
causes the waves in life
so stay calm, think of the good
think of the bad and all will be sad
for if its good you will be glad
it isnt right to be all down
I never want to see a frown
if I do ill change it around
im sorry for everything
the ups and the downs
I just wish I can fix
everybody problems
without hurting myself
its just so stressful
to keep everything up
it weakens me down
to my worst
im not exactly sure what I mean
but somewhere inside I do
you may not understand this reading
but to me its really touching
and opening to the heart
this is bringing tears to my eyes
and tightening to my chest and throat
its hard to breath
and water is building in my eyes
I wish I knew what is going on
and why this is
is this all true and real
or is it fake
if it is fake, will I cry a lake
I dont want to but it is very so I might
I just think I might have to
it may be the best for me and for you
if I let out all the pain through cries
will it make my life different
but I don't know how it will help you
how should I live through this
or should I ask how can I
I want to be able to be with friends
and to have a good family
and to have a nice school
but im asking for way to much
and I know this wont happen to me,
all that will happen to me is go to hell
hell will be my new home in sometime
but not some time soon.
I wish I didn't have this feeling
its so hard to get rid of
Im glad I am taking this pain
instead of someone else
I am even more hurt
when I see someone going through
the things I have or am now
its just so heart breaking
to see someone hurting this badly
I don't see how someone can
just keep it to themselves
for many years like I have done
I wish I havent broken my heart
so many times in life
once its broken it doesnt fix
thats the hardest part of all
I wish I had never done it
it would have made a huge different
to me and to everyone I love
and there would be no more pain
or even guilt feelings
I would have been able to live the life
thats supposed to be mighty
and to learn how to love
and to accept others for accepting me
it would have given me people
who care and love for me
and who would never forget about me
why am I typing this
this isnt right for me to be typing
I should just tear it up and throw
it all away
far away into the world
possibly the universe
if anyone reads this
it will probably make them so upset
and hurt in the heart
which I cant handle
so I may now just throw it all away
and tear it to shreds
but wait let me say one more thing
but it may continue on and on
like the rest has
well..what is jelousy
why are my friends jelouse of me
I hate when my friends
who think I have to be with them
and no one else
I like spending time with all my friends
but also alone time with my friend
I hate putting my friends down
and having them feel like im
ignoring them all the time
I never want to ignore them
but they always think I do
I feel so bad when they think I do
when really im just..I dont know
I love hanging out with friends as one
it makes me feel like we are all
together as one
and always there for one another
in times of trouble and need
its so hard seeing a friend walk away
especially if its your fault
I wish I had a twin who could go
with one and I go with the other
I dont know why its so hard
for my friends to accept the fact
that I have more friends than just the one
but apparently its too hard
but then again, I understand
I too had done it
which is why I know how it feels
I hate when people are jelous of one another
its just not the right thing to do
its painful for the one in the middle
and hurting to the 2 friends
I dont see how people can have enemies
but I know I use to have one
but one year we made up
and are best friends now
its just hard leaving a friend forever
I have lost so many friends
but I know them still
they lie on the top of my heart
guiding me through songs
I know they haven't left forever
but in life they have
I learned to love my friends
so they will be with me forever
I dont know what I would do without them
the time has come
and will depart
its time to search for a new heart
im going to leave this one
all the way behind
and search my way around
to where I can have a hopeful
loving, caring, heart
I love my friends, this may be it
now I have to say the end
but not really
just goodbye till I see them again
it may be awhile till I see them smile
but I must have patience to be mild
I dont know how I can handle
this move when I have to say goodbye
I have to say goodbye to my
friends, pets, school, teams, and my
amazing students who I love to death
I miss them already
even though I haven't left
when will it be time to say goodbye
I hope I can do it
if I dont ill break their hearts
I hate hurting people
and this may be a big one
I shouldn't have already planned it
but I have and now..
I have to go through with it all
all the pain
and no way to gain a thing
I wish I could just slip into a drain
where no one would get hurt
and no one would know
its just to painful
for long lasting friends
what will I do with out them
I say again
I wish I could take my dog with me
he will miss me so much
he is my baby and always will
he curls up in a ball and closes his almond eyes
there he lays in peace and silence
keep me warm and secure
he is always on the watch
and aware of me
he knows when something is wrong
and comes to sit by
or runs up to give a big hug
oh how I love his hugs
so big a loving
he is the best
what would I do with out my
dear sweet beau
now im going to move on
with all this writing
and change the subject
actually it will probablly
be the same subject
but who knows
I sure dont know
I wish I could be open
not like talking open
but you know what
maybe I should just stop
stop all this nonsence
its turning out bad
and making me sad
I feel like the ocean
full of water and dirt
I wish I didnt
but I cant stop it
how do I get rid of this feeling
like im no one
and that no one cares
and why am I feeling like I have no one
no one to be there
for when I need them
I hate the things I hear
they are never good
always depressing and mean
why cant they say nice things to me
I wish I could change them all
but somehow I just cant
its so hard to not listen to
but i end up listening to them anyways
how can I tell them to leave
and leave me the hell alone
but im scared if I do
I don't know what will happen
if I do or what they will say
is there a way
to say shut-up
without having having the fear
build up in my heart
how can I say it
why did they come in the first place
where did they come from
when will the go away
far away, I wish I wish
they would leave me alone
and never come back ever again
and if they do I dont know how ill exist
I hope they dont go to my friends
I dont want them to have to go through
all this mess
it is terrible to handle
and probably one of the worsts
shall I keep going
or shall I stop
my life is just so depressing
and empty
there really isnt anything
to say except
the fact that im so plain
like the color white
so useless and helpless
that nothing in this world counts
or atleast doesnt for me
my soul so empty
my heart so dreary
the tears in my eyes
so clear like the sky
my face is so red
like the flames of death
its so hard to see
the colors of freedom
if there is such a thing
the birds are singing
such a sweet rythmn
they sound so peaceful
and so happy
I wish I was peaceful
and my life weren't so crappy
its all so confusing
and all so frustrating
its so complicated
and so hard to deal with
if freedom free
or is it something to gain
what is the answer
and the answer to life
well the answer to life
is you have to live the life
you want and fufill it with hope
and to share it with someone
as might as you
once you find the special someone
your troubles and fears will soon be gone
so I say again love your life
and your life will be loved
life it what you make it
and will be affected by those around
and will affect them as well
it is so hard to not hurt someone
its probably the hardest thing in life
I wish there wasnt hurt
if there werent things would be easier
and well as less stressful
but you make the stress
and cause the pain

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Poem Submitted: Saturday, May 21, 2011

Poem Edited: Saturday, May 21, 2011

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