Not Thinking While Drinking Poem by William Mowell

I sit at this bar downing whiskey
looking at the faces all around
Taking a girl home would be risky
It scares me what diseases could be found

The more I drink, the better she looks
Beer goggles are a dangerous thing
I must leave before she digs her hooks
And wind up her next drunken fling

I should have never started drinking
In this beat down hole in the wall
The whiskey keeps me from thinking
Hopefully this night I wont recall

I wake up in someone elses' bed
Can't remember the night before
I hope my condom was made of lead
And I can sneak out her back door

Tests and blood has been taken
Waiting for the results is hell
I hope the results aren't mistaken
To my little soldier I hope there is no farewell

If my penis could walk he would already be gone
If my penis could talk he'd cuss me out
He'd look up Rodney and sing his song
And go on MapQuest and plan his route

If I was only sober I could've done more
Told her to put her clothes back on and get out
Find out who had come before
I wouldn't have left any doubt

If only I hadn't went out drinkin'
I wouldn't be waiting on the news
My dick wouldn't be shrinking
I've never seen a dick sing the blues