Oh Lord, I Love To Sin Poem by Christen Kuikoua

I love to sin so much
that every time You speak,
I find a way not to hear You.

You speak,
and I silence Your voice.

You warn me,
and I convince myself it is not that serious.

You pull me away from it,
and sometimes I know I can overcome the temptation,
but I still choose to do it.

I know.

That is what hurts the most.

I know it is wrong,
and sometimes I still choose it.

Oh Lord,
I love sin.

I hate that I can say that,
but I will not lie to You.

You already see my heart.

You see the parts of me
that nobody else sees.

You see the addiction.
You see the desire.
You see the weakness.
You see the places where I keep falling
and pretending I can stand.

Oh God,
look at my heart
and help me love You more than I love my sin.

For I am flesh.

I am not as strong as I pretend to be.
I am not as holy as I want people to believe.
I am flesh,
and I have allowed my flesh to speak louder than Your Spirit.

And now I stand here
because I have been enslaved
to what I once thought I could control.

I thought I could dominate my flesh.

I thought I could fight this by myself.

I thought I was strong enough.

I tried.

And I failed.

I tried again.

And somehow,
I still found a way to fall.

Lord, Your Word has been written in my heart
for as long as I can remember.

Ever since I was born,
I have known of You.

I was raised around Your house.
I was raised around Your presence.
I was conceived in a house that knew Your name.

And yet somehow,
I drifted.

I knew You,
but my heart began to wander.

I loved You as a child.

I really did.

Before I understood the weight of life,
before I understood temptation,
before I understood how easily a heart could become divided,
I loved You.

And then I grew.

And somewhere along the way,
the things I once hated became things I desired.

The voice I once listened to
became the voice I kept silencing.

And now I know of You,
I speak of You,
I sing about You,
I worship You,

and yet there are still places in me
that are running from You.

Oh Lord,
help me.

Because I have tried to do this without You.

And I have failed.

I have tried to clean myself
with dirty hands.

I have tried to make myself holy
without surrendering.

I have tried to conquer my flesh
while still feeding it.

And every time I think I have won,
I discover another door I left open.

Lord,
I am tired of falling.

I am tired of knowing better
and still doing worse.

I am tired of promising You
that this will be the last time.

I am tired of saying,
"Lord, forgive me, "
only to find myself standing in the same place again.

I do not want to keep coming back to You
only after I have wounded Your heart.

I want to stay.

I want to remain.

I want to love You
before I need You to rescue me.

Lord, from my birth,
You established a worship in me.

You gave me a sound.

You gave me a voice.

You placed something inside of me
that was never meant to glorify myself.

I was born with a sound
that was meant to worship You.

But what good is the sound
if the vessel carrying it
is still broken?

What good is the gift
if the giver is forgotten?

What good is a voice
that can move people
but cannot move my own heart back to You?

Oh Lord,
I have a gift that was meant for You.

And yet I am still unfinished.

I am still fighting.

I am still learning
how to become the vessel
You intended me to be.

So teach me.

Not just how to sing.

Teach me how to live.

Teach me how to obey.

Teach me how to say no
when nobody is watching.

Teach me how to love holiness
when sin feels easier.

Teach me how to want You
more than I want what destroys me.

Teach me to walk
according to Your will
and according to Your ways.

Do not let my gift become bigger than my relationship with You.

Do not let my voice become louder than my obedience.

Do not let people know my name
while I forget Yours.

Oh Lord,
draw me back.

Not because I deserve it.

Not because I have earned another chance.

But because You are merciful.

Draw me so close to You
that I cannot run without feeling the distance.

Draw me so close
that sin begins to taste bitter.

Draw me so close
that I remember who I was
before I wandered.

I want You again.

I want the God
I loved when I was younger.

I want the hunger.

I want the fire.

I want the innocence I lost
and the holiness I abandoned.

But more than anything,
I want You.

So Lord,

if You have to break my pride,
break it.

If You have to expose my heart,
expose it.

If You have to tear down everything
I have built without You,
tear it down.

Just do not leave me here.

Do not let me become comfortable
with a life that keeps grieving You.

Do not let me become so familiar with sin
that I stop being broken by it.

Bring me back.

Bring me closer.

Closer than I have ever been.

So close to You
that when You speak,
I cannot silence Your voice.

So close to You
that when temptation calls,
I remember Your name.

So close to You
that I stop asking,

"How close can I get to sin
without leaving God? "

And start asking,

"How close can I get to God
without turning back? "

Oh Lord,

I have fallen.

I have failed.

I have wandered.

But I am still here.

So take what is left of me.

Take my heart.

Take my flesh.

Take my voice.

Take my gift.

Take all of me.

And make me Yours again.

Because I do not want to love sin anymore.

I want to love You.