Pain, If I Could Forget Again - Poem by Ayesha Shahid
Now I'm writing on this page again
Completing the tale my heart began
I try my best not to cry
Letting it all go with a sigh
A part of me says; we're done, Alas!
A part of me says don't sweat relax
The love I received by that pain
Pain, if I could forget again
I was a cage, a Gnome in your lawn
Nothing but a blockage in your path
Now you can go as you have won
I'll allow you and your love to pass
You're tugging at my heart, please stop
Haven't I done everything I can?
You're always busy, we never talk
Don't continue the story, which never ends
Three years, I've had a crush, since then
Last year was when the curse had fell
When I talk to you, I don't feel the ground
If anyone disturbs it, I can't help but frown
When you smile at me, I can always say
You're absent-mindedly making my day
And guess what, you got me
I wish in person I could say
For once might aching leave my soul
Without my feelings gone astray
'Sorry for the late reply'
Did I make you cry?
No more does it matter
You were just sly
Cause you already did
The care and love, someday you'd need
You never knew, you never did
What's more than this, left in me
Pain, as if I'd forget again
Poet's Notes about The Poem
My Lovers Remarks-
This happened about two days ago. My beloved actually claimed that she didn't understand my latest poem, 'Pain, If I Could Forget Again' when I showed it to her. However, to keep my heart she did say that it was amazing and all.
And, I still can't believe it. She said that all of them are really difficult and she normally didn't understand poems at all until they were explained to her because they are deep.
Of all the years of holding on to her, I finally broke down that day. It would definitely have hurt a lot less if she literally stabbed my heart with knives, than to kill me with her words.
Later on, she asked me to describe the main idea to her. I couldn't! Because I already died expressing my thoughts into the poems, and now I had to explain them to her too? So I simply denied doing that, and told her, maybe some other day!
After some time of her whining and my denying, although I hated to argue with her, we agreed on letting me give my poem to her once more and then she'll read it carefully and tell me the main idea.
For her assistance, I wrote all the meanings and some explanation on the poem also and gave it to her and told her that you don't have to return the poem, you may as well keep it, after all, it was for you...
Well, if you are reading this, (cause I wrote the website on the poem I gave you) , although I do know that you don't have the time to waste on my poem,
You can consider all of this true if you want, because it is, or at least say something about my poem, here or not.
But please don't say anything to me, or anyone, about all of this, cause I might never approve of it.
Saturday, Dec 15
Well, she has my poem for now and I haven't actually talked to her ever since. Yesterday, I was about to go to where she was standing but I saw that she was having fun with our other friends, so I tried not to ruin the moment, and walked away.
I also met her today at break with some other friends but I didn't dare ask her anything linked to my poem, in fact, I tried not to talk to her at all.. I wonder if she comprehended it, but I suppose she didn't have the time to even catch a glance.
Do you know how much it hurts to see you but not say anything because I don't have anything to say. I really wish you knew the pain of unrequited love, to never be loved back. To wake up every morning and think of you knowing that you don't give a crap about me. To hold someone so close to your heart, only for them to break it apart..
You know, sometimes I used to think, how could anyone feel this way when the beloved doesn't even notice, but now that I'm going through this phase myself, I realize that a lover can never lie, you just don't understand the truth in their statement unless you've experienced it yourself.
Our teacher used to say that there is a time when the other is affected by your laughs, but when that time is over, even your cries don't have any effect on them.
Almost everyday, I feel like crying to such an extent that I sometimes do, in English, when our teacher is explaining a poem, from which, one can guess, its tragic beauty.. But my cries ore only limited to a few un-shed, wiped tears, cause bleeding hearts shed no tears.
I think I need to let go, until she doesn't say anything herself, but then I begin to think that what if she doesn't even remember to read it. If she doesn't remember, then perhaps it's her loss, that she didn't have a chance of reading it even when I even wrote all the meanings too. I really hate to say this, God forbid, but my conscious is telling me to, but this will be her last chance, please avail it while you can, my love.
All your pleas killed me, abhor
A former love, a love, no more
(Epiphanal Paradigm Shifts)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Saturday, Jan 5
Hope you're doing great. Wish you a happy first weekend of 2013 :)
Unfortunately, I'm even having Sundays on at college, and celebrating the revision and test session. How sick!
I'm not sure if anyone is reading this but, if there is, which I really doubt, I just want to continue the story of the remarks of my beloved. I reckon it must be worth telling as a story than dealing with it myself, as the pain of ignorance is unbearable.
Well, I haven't talked to her about that topic ever since I gave her the poems I wrote *for her*
We do meet, sometimes.. But I don't recall that drastic topic anymore, to anyone. Because I make a fool of myself trying to make a point when there really isn't a possibility of being one. I used to tell every one of my friends, 'Please check this site and read my poems.'
I told, texted and even wrote, and what did I get,
'Don't have internet'
'Computer doesn't work'
'Don't have the time'
And the worst of all is that they don't understand it. So I don't tell them anymore..
- The language of love is only understood by those who've experienced it.
She had wished me New Year on 1st and met me today. Actually, I really want to check if she cares about me, and I'm not getting positive results till now. Because I think I'm wearing myself out too much, loving the person whom doesn't even care. If she did care, even an ounce, she would've given a response, whatever that would've been. But unfortunately, it hasn't happened. She doesn't even reply to my messages, and that's just the usual. Believe me, I've seen you killing people with your occasional bluntness, ignorance and rudeness at times, and worst of all, I've even experienced it.
They say that hesitations & miscommunications lead to a broken and tragic end. I've always believed in it, but never thought it would ever happen in our case. But I guess it's applicable for unrequited love too, Oh God I never knew. So I guess this may be the end to this relationship too, unless I get a reply from you, really soon. But one thing's for sure, I won't be reminding you, cause enough is enough..! !
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