Actually, I think this poem is quite poetic and the last image is a striking one. It doesn't read like a parody of a poem to me...parodies are designed to mock or be comical or satirical. Also, it doesn't read as if a teenager wrote it. If you really think so, you need to keep reading some of the poetry that the teens are posting here. To me, this poem evokes a strong sensation using vary spare language and with a powerful final image. Isn't that what good poetry is supposed to do?