Rouse Poem by Andrus Cassian

Saturday, Saturday
'Why'd you do this to me'
was my first question, my first reaction
a reflex to point myself the victim
point myself an inquiry I had no response for
I wanted once to see her
to know her face with my own eyes one more time
without giving thought to the consequences
the therapy my conscience would provide
nor the defenses I put up to make sure
she couldn't topple the kingdom I built
I wondered for days, for years, for minutes, for seconds
what I would do when I saw her last
I theorized I would grow snakes for hands and coil tight
or transform into a small teddy bear simply asking for a hug
but neither were reality
A composer of contortions, I lost my composure
freaked out when I discovered her presence
my heart jumping out of my chest
my hearing drowned out by bass and an eerie electronic buzzing
since she decided this day to step out of my realm
my haven, my prison where I couldn't do a single thing
except stand there
a joyful expression upon my countenance, a foolish facade
my mouth dry, craving water
I stood there, a lonely lowly cashier
wanting nothing more to forget where I was
hug her, punch her
tell her I love her, tell her something from the bottom of my heart
get something, anything out of my mouth that I wanted to tell her
something, anything meaningful
have a moment where I could tell her I'm hers forever
like it or not
I love her and I'm tired of escaping it
but I hate the way things have been between us
I want to change that, I want something
I want something but no clue what it is anymore
yet my voice found no ears to place this knowledge upon
She wasn't alone and responsibilities forbade me
so my actions constructed a rouse
that my composure was a composer of Beethoven's symphony
moving intricately, carefully
to not give myself away
as my tongue grew a blunt sword
to cut her, only a flesh wound
a subtle cut in revenge for the years
she made me spend as a spectator to her endless loves
while I chased down heroines to be my heroin
in hopes to forget her, in hopes to distract my brain
from thoughts of her
yet what my mind forgets, my heart calls out for
as has been my fate
forcibly watching my precious endeavors
every single love I've ever had
moving on, marrying, loving someone else
as I just on the outside
wishing I was inside
so I sit
at my only location where I can truly be alone
wishing to wrap myself in a grenade filled cocoon
my version of a supernova
This wasn't supposed to happen
not today
but I can't blame a soul
I can't blame anyone
I wanted this...I wanted this...
I wanted something...
I wanted...her
but for my precious endeavors
I have a shattered heart
a list of regrets
sore lungs
listless eyes
Someone cure me please
but I know no one will hear me
so why...
why do I always call out for someone
when it's only wind that comes to aid me