Salvation From Madness Lies In Simplicity (Murder Of A Mad) Poem by Katerina Val

When my hands are drenched
sunken in nervous tremor
and sweet languor
my dry throat
protests
against me

Revolts
for I never gave it a sound
a tongue to speak
aloud
for what is in me
because the absence of control is not enough
I have to be plain
I have to be sad
So that I kill, what I call in me, the mad

Oh, there is a poor boy, living me
transforms into a girl, a rich girl, and then into a boy again
a modest boy
and these two, complicated
they occur in absolute concordance
a murder
of my serenity
so I have to be fast
to shut it's pretensions
to minimize the horror
of what may touch me
of what shall find me
when I am alone

A child when I am alone
a timid boy or girl
a timid tomboy
I rise my madness instinctively, frightened by joy
and what this shall bring when I am not alone
and I turn my dichotomous minds into a sickened toy
for if I was alone in my mind,
I could possibly find some time to breathe

A man I am in the threshold of something incomprehensible
Something personable but unpresentable
Yet, that charming
and essential
and poisoning.

I have to take one or two breaths
and calmly sit in my ramshackle chair
remember to push perplexity away
and all those people with who
some thoughts of me I carelessly once had to share

it is not fair
cause I cannot wait
till the murder dies in me
or I can become the killer
may I become the killer of my own outline?

Shall I become the killer?
and steal the last breath of my sangfroid
to ignore
the own presence of my own mind?

to smother the salvation in me
to spit on the face of relief
to spit in the face of the light
that one day may had come to me
and bound me to see?
to kill belief
so my parts can finally breathe?
Because it is the only way
to be me
It is the only way
to feel free

To kill serenity
To kill it

My own salvation from my own madness
So it will soon occur in me
as soon as I
kill the sadness
that stems from clear simplicity

Shall I be the killer?
To kill serenity
To kill it
To be free

Should I be simple as I am?
madness would take the whole of me
everyday
we need to kill ourselves
so that we can feel free.