Scots Poems From The Pantheist Poem by Sheena Blackhall

The Text
Dear Sister, jist a text tae say
Ye'll nae be in oor bubble
This Xmas… for each Xmas past
Yer faimily brings trouble

Ye mind thon year wee Jason
Fused the fairy lichts for fun
Fin he shot them withoot warnin
Wi his high pouered watter gun?

Yer man held up the mistletoe
I thocht tae get a peck
Bit nae a kiss like thon
His tongue wis haufwye doon ma neck

An Chardonnay, the bizzim
Vomited aa ower crackers
As weel's the turkey…thon year
We'd tae send it tae the knackers

Noo spam wi brussels ye'll agree
Is nae a Xmas feed
Instead o Xmas dumplin
We ett mouldy cheese on breid
An the gifties that ye gied us…
A thong made ooto holly
Fake dog poo an a burnt cake
Are onythin bit jolly

Ye hinna ony mainners
Fin yer sittin at the meal
Atween fanny farts an riftin
Makkin aabody feel unweel

Yer dug chased oor cat Tiddles
Up the curtains… ‘twisnae funny
Ye ett AA the box o chocolates
That we bocht tae gie tae Grunny
SaeSister, we will wish ye joy
On Zoom, at the Queen's speech
Cause relatives like ye are better
Fin yer ooto reach


Oh the Covid: tune O my darling Clementine
Oh the Covid, oh the Covid's turned the world upside doon
Sanitizin,isolation scunners aabody in toon

Phone Deliveroo for sushi, pizza, curries tae the door
Then takk aff the wecht wi workoots, sweatin buckets, fit a bore

See us sittin oot al fresco makkin on that this is Rome
Nae sat oot in Union Street freezin in the Baltic zone

Noo in lockdoon, in the gairdens, see us howkin oot the weeds
Reinstatin oor lumbago, an arthritis sowin seeds

Makk a wreath or takk up knittin play monopoly or snap
Weave a jaiket for yer poodle, or try spikkin tae yer cat

Cut yer breid intae yer handshape, in the toaster let it dive
Fin it pops up fin its feenished it'll gie ye a high five

Turn loo roll tae origami, wipe yer bum wi ship or frog
It'll pass the time while sittin coontin spiders in the bog

Makk a pub crawl o yer hoosie wi a bottle in each room
Meet yer friens an yer relations usin Skype or Meet or Zoom

Takk a trip tae see the wildlife ye'll find in the Duthie Park
Bairns are bizzin roon like midgies, dugs pee on the trees an bark

Fit o Santa an his reindeers? They'll be visitin
It beats distanced queues at shoppies for that special loon or quine

Is yer facemask like a moo bag that a horse hauds on its snoot
Dis it fog yer glaisses up till yer as blin as a cheroot?

Noo's the time tae learn the bagpipes, buy a blaw up lifesize doll
Cause it's plastic it's fantastic winna argue back at all

Nae a dentist, nae a dentist, tae fill teeth or fix a croon
Since the covid struck we're foonert an oor teeth are turnin broon

Raise a cheer tae local heroes in oor Grampian NHS
Sae infection micht be lowered an the daith rates they suppress


Drouth
The Inuits hae wirds fur snaa
The Scots, fur bein fu
Fur Scots are kent the warld ower
Fur drinkin pouerfu brew

Smeekit, roarin, pie eyed steamin
Steamboats, mingin, stottin
Haimmered, bleezin, guttered, pished
Blootered. drouthy, plottin

Reekit, smeekit, staucherin, goosed
Teeterlogic, fleein
Trollied plaistered, oot yer tree
Minced, bladdered sloshed an reelin


The Scottish Cringe
Hae he heard o the Scottish Cringe?
It's the thing on which gomerils binge
They think aathin fooshtie
(Scots spikk in Carnoustie)
Is orra's nae shavin yer minge


Deinties
In the Mekong Delta
Fowk ett the dyeuk's beaks
Crack open their heids
An scoop the harns oot like ice cream

In Japan, the deintie is fugu
A puffer fish wi deadly pysonous toxins

In Vietnam its fried birds' heids
An steak, cuttit frae puggies

In Cambodia the chief takks oot a cobra
Still leevin- slits its thrapple
Plunks its beatin hairt doon on the plate


Midgies
Aince in Scotland bedd a giant
Unca coorse an crabbit tae
Liked tae sook the bluid o ithers
A cannibal feared in his day

Till a warlock, sly an sleekit
Tuik a magic choppin boord
Killed the giant, diced him up
Tae bitties wi his eildtrich sword
Aa the bitties raise thegither
Hidna tint their thirst fur bluid
Christened midgies, aa the bitties
Still sook ithers fur their feed


Snibbed
She niver left a bawbee on the lowse
Herewith a leet o fit my ma snibbed in
She'd keys fur aathin, jyler o the hoose:

A heeze o bowsters, fite an feather stappit
A rowth o sheets an happins, snod an ironed
A muckle steel safe, rolls o siller wrappit
A press bung fu o fusky, brandy, rum
A purse she keepit aywis tichtly zippit

Nae photies. She hid brunt them aa tae smush
The lave selt aff. Nae room fur sentiment
An at the eyn, nae pooches in a shroud
A peety: aa her goodies left unspent


Sleepin wi a Deid Man
Ma faither wis ten oors cauld in his bed
Fin ma auldest bairn wis tint

I wis ower hashed tae takk tent
I wis birlin like a peerie in overdrive
Arreengin a doctor, an unnertakker
Phonin oor neist o kin, in a stupifeed dwaum

An aa the whyle, unkent tae the warld ootbye
Ma loon slippit unner the sheets
Twalve year auld, his first sair tryst wi daith

Youth, warmth, desperation couldnae restairt
The worn-oot ingine o an echty year auld hairt

They lay alane thegither fur three oors
Ane leevin an ane deid
Jyned ayont the grave bi luve an bluid



Joan Baez
Joan Baez kent auld Scottish sangs
Her mither taught the wey
Her ma wis born in Embro toun
Far her gransire preached on high

She sang Braes o Balquither
The Queen's fower Maries tae
And mony's the Childe ballad threiped
O blytheness an o wae

Her faither he wis Mexican
Professor, Quaker man
Her faimly traivelled roon the warld
Throw mony's the fremmit lan

Her mither had the secunt sicht
An focht fur global peace
An Joan, tae, wis an activist
Wi fire in her briest

She sang o social justice
Sang gospel, folk and rock
She starred aside Bob Dylan
An performed at Widstock

Fowk caad her an Earth Mither
An whyles, barfit she sang
Her voyce wis liquid hinney
Heard in Hanoi an Haiphong

She sang in LiveAid concerts
Focht the daith penalty
Helped refugees in war zones
Heidlined at Glastonb'ry

Joan Baez kent auld Scottish sangs
Her mither taught the wey
Her ma wis born in Embro toun
Far her gransire preached on high


Crossroads Hotel, Queen's View, Cromar
Naethin bides foraye, Things cheenge
An inn becams a hame, a storage neuk
Ta-ta drams an cheerie crack

Gaen is the lauchter, couthie clink o glaisses
The drinkers are gaen as weel,
Some dichtit aff the face o the Yird, bi Daith

Drivin by, a jeel rins doon ma back
Time, the juggernaut, will add me tae his pack


The Cock Puil, Glen Gairn
First ye maun tirr yer claes, pit on yer dookers.
Midgies heeze aroon. Cannily wyde ben nettles,
Stobby thrissles, the antrin thorn busse

Hyter barfit ower cobbly stanes
Watch oot fur adders, slidderin frae the heather!
Here's the wee shelf o rock aside the puil,
Heich waa o stane an fern, ahin its back
Deep peaty watter, wrunklin roon afore
The colour o bronze an amber, hinney broon
Lowp in tae jeelin cauld, a stammygaster
Catchin yer breath, an ilkie breath a gasper


Owersetts intae Doric o Poems Screived bi Artists

Nae Wey: Pablo Picasso
Ae day I wauken up thinkin, foo I'd like tae be free!
I lay doon fin the bees bizz lazy, thinkin,
Foo I'd like tae flee like the birdies abune
As the sun shone ower me shawin aa it's glammerie,
I felt like skreichin, 'O sun, takk me upon yer pathie
An lead me awa frae aa thon responsibilities,
Foo I'd like tae jist shine abune wioot ony responsibilities! '
The sun shined ower me warm-like an quo
‘Ma wee douceladdie!Life is a journey, nae a success.
Risk an responsibility are a pairt o life.
Ye canna jink them. Larn an gae back tae feenish yer experience. '

It wis syne that I larnt that life isnae jist tae enjoy,
Bit aboot far ye bide an aboot fully livin yer life
Sae, follae life, live life tae the full,an enjoy it.


Ma Luve His Dwined Awa:bi Pablo Picasso
I hae wauked ben starnie-less nichts nae carin fit the warld tuik tent o
Amang soughs o wae an scunner, I hae wauked; anely fur ye
Ye wir aywis like the caller haar o daybrakk
Yet, like the hinney o the bee.

I hae skirled oot intae the starnieless an eynless nichts
Ochone, Ma dearie! far are ye? I hae wyted fur ye
Langed, an langed fur ye.
The bens hae crummlit;
The wins hae dwined;
Ma luve his crined;
Yet, I dinna gie up.

Ochone, Luve! I am ferfochan, o caain fur ye.
Ma feet stoun, shanks hurt an voyce fooners.
Yet I dinna gie up;

Fitiver may cam, Ma luve fur ye
Will bidetrue an siccar.
I'll niver gie up..


Thoroughbred: bi Edgar Degas
Smaa thunner camin onbell bricht hoofs
Strang the dunt o breath. Since sheeny day
Unner his groom wi razor straik
The jinky shelt has split the dyew

Like auncient sun, Orient bred
Bluid merks the willin racer
Drivin hs speerit tae braw rehearsal
Maister o the mongrel born
Cweel, secret an seemin slaw
He gaes intae the staa far glimmers the grain
Keen he stauns, then gambler's hauns
Fur the tricky ploys the best place
Turn the rinner tae reiver noo
Aa trimmlin-bare in his robe o silk


Dauncer:bi Edgar Degas
Her dauncin dees as aroun a rose busse
Or a flute far the san win o Weber is played
Her ribboned feet twinin in spirals
Her corp booin, a wing-spreid birdie

Bit violins… fresh frae bluest o watter
Silvana cam, aa flichterin stooshie
Blythe leevin, winner lues at play
In her een, her breists, her bein reborn

Her satin steps shew the patterns
Emroiderin pleisur. Ma spendthrift een
Follae ferfochan the lowpin quine

Bit aa in a glisk, perfection eyns
Bi limbs drawn in ower faist in lowpin
The lowp o a puddock in a Cytherean puil


Autumn Song bi Dante Gabriel Rossetti
Dae ye ken, nae at the faa o a leaf
Foo the hairt feels a dowie wae
Pit on it fur a hap,
An foo sleep seems a guidsome thing
In Autumn at the faa o the leaf?

An foo the faist thrum o the harns
Hyters because it's in vain,
In Autumn at the faa o the leaf
Dae ye nae ken? an foo the chief
O joys seems—nae tae thole pain?

Dae ye nae ken, nae at the faa o the leaf
Foo the sowel feels like a dried shaif
Bun up at length fur hairst,
An foo daith seems a walcom thing
In Autumn at the faa o the leaf?


The Cloud Leemitsbi Dante GabrielRossetti
The day is derk an the nicht
Tae him that wad search their hairt;
Nae lips o cloud that'll pairt
Nur mornin song in the licht:
Anely, glowerin alane,
Tae him wud shaddas are shawn,
Deep unner deep unkent
An heicht abune unkent heicht.
Still we spikk as we gae,
"Fremmit tae think bi the wey,
Fitiver there is tae ken,
That we'll ken ae day."

The Past is ower an fled;
Name'd new, we name it auld;
Thereof some tales hae bin telt,
Bit nae wird cams frae the deid;
Whether at aa they be,
Or whether as bond or free,
Or whether they too wir as we,
Or by fit spell they hae sped.
Still we spikk as we gae,
"Fremmit tae think bi the wey,
Fitever there is tae ken,
That shall we ken ae day."
Fit o the hairt o hate
That dunts in yer breist, o Time?
Reid strife frae the farrest prime,
A grue o fierce debate;
War that brakks her slain,
An peace that grinds them as grain,
An een fix'd ere in vain
On the peetiless een o oor Weird.
Still we spikk as we gae,
"Fremmit tae think bi the wey,
Fitever there is tae ken,
That shall we ken ae day."
Fit o the hairt o luve
That bleeds in yer breist, o Cheil?
Yer kisses reived unner the ban
O fangs that mock them abune;
Yer bells drawn oot intae knells,
Yer hope that a braith dispels,
Yer wersh forehooied fareweels
An their teem echoes?
Still we spikk as we gae,
"Fremmit tae think bi the wey,
Fitever there is tae ken,
That shall we ken ae day."
The lift leans dumb on the sea,
Trauchelt wi aa its wings;
An ochone! the sang the sea sings
Is derk aybydan.
Oor past is clean forgot,
Oor present is an is nae,
Oor future's a steekit seedplot,
An fit atween them are we?
We fa spikk as we gae,
"Fremmit tae think bi the wey,
Fitever there is tae ken,
That shall we ken ae day."


Deep today: Surrealist poem by Kansuke Yamamoto
Deep today
Verra feint glaiss
An flooers' flichterin
Win's diagonal
Sweyin tie
Haudin it fur a whyle
Trachelt pipe's intimmers
O sounless dried lauchter
Inbye it
Het boorich
Faas intae
Waste backet's intimmers
Simple
Single-sheeted
Unca
Pianie


Homo Floresiensis
Hae ye heard o Homo Floresiensis?
Wi a heid that's the size o a lemon
A trowie, a Broonie, a fairy?
The evidence noo is compellin!

Sae fin ye hear stories o kelpies
An ferlies that fleg in the nicht
Dinna shrug them aa aff wi a snicher
Fur thon tales eftir aa micht be richt!



Tonk
There aince wis a puggie in Tonk
Addictit tae scoofin doon plonk
While weirin pyjamas
He daunced on bananas
Syne skytit an fell on his conk


The Backet Fairy
There is a backet fairy
He teems oor bins each wikk
Be sure tae pit them oot in time
He teems them verra quick

Fit dis this fairy luik like?
His face is roch an scary
His kyte is like a sack o coal
His oxters, ripe an hairy

He disnae flee aboot wi wings
He drives aff in a larry
Sae faist, takk oot yer orrals
He's aywis in a hurry


The Clearances, Deeside
The fowk on Upper Deeside they wir driven aff fur deer
Lord Grange selt aff Glen Lui, withoot a thocht or tear
He ordered tenants be turned oot richt eftir hairst wis by
An sae they gaed, lamentin, like reefless herds o kye

Glen Eywis aince a bonnie airt, a green an growthy plaid
Till, driven aff, tae Canada, ayont the waves some gaed
Glen Clunie tint ten faimilies evicted tae rear yowes
An thon's the wey they're lanely noo, the purple heather knowes

Doon frae the heich glens roon Braemar a piper led the wey
A dirge o sorra fur the fowk aneth the dowie sky
Frae Tullich, nearhaun Ballater some echteen ferms were cleared
Ochone wis iver fact sae sair as this maist cruel weird?

On Deskryside jist ower the Don frae Cromar's bonnie braes
Twa hunner dwined tae twenty, fowk set aff as castaways
Bit oh, the deer, grouse, bawd sheets fur the lairds are sweeter far
Than tenantry an lauchter ringin roon the Braes o Mar



The Doctor in the Kirk
A doctor sittin in the kirk
Luiks aa aroon the pews
He's seen aa these parishioners
Withoot their frocks an trews

He's examined the auld dominie
Fur bluidy clumps o piles
An the typist fur a nesty case
O coorse venerealbiles

He's seen the genteel Reverend
In naethin bit his socks
He smirks tae see him staunin
Snod an happit in his box

He's seen them aa as clearly
As their luvers wid hae seen them
As Adam luiked on Eve
Afore they traivelled ooto Eden
Their hingin briests like dumb-bells
Their todgers some- like tossils
A hale pew oot in front o him
Like dessicated fossils

The anely ither ane tae see them
Lyin in the nude
Is the unnertakker, jist afore
He rowes them in their shroud


The Girselowper
A girselowper wi superman pecs
Wis hauf blin cause he didna weir specs
He lowped aff a rock
Fell ten feet on his dock
Noo his shanks an his hochs winna flex