Self-Destruct Sequence Poem by Kitty Marie Lucas

Disgusted,
you're sure I view myself as a goddess,
when I'm so weak I can barely move.
My brittle bones are broken each time people trample me,
those sheep running scared in their herds.
Casting curses
in the empty spells,
I have burned to white ash;
I have turned.

He broke my heart
like a bad habit;
now I give it away like there's nothing to buy.
I thought he'd stolen it...
what a ridiculous concept.
I wander the desert as pieces I find.

A self-destruct sequence is the only way out,
he made sure.

I am in the moment and nowhere else.
I've been pouring my heart out
in these empty words.

He said no one will ever love me
the way he did;
I desperately hope it's true.
No one will love me
until I let go.
I can't let go.
There's only one thing left to do...

I keep crossing lines
so I don't end it all,
and avoiding bridges so I don't fall
into the chasm I dug with my mind,
although I am certain I had plenty of help this time.
I gave my best effort to bow out with grace
while continuing to do nothing but run in place,
yet nothing will calm the herd
till I lay cool
or become the sheep,
and be eaten by a wolf.

I always thought the problem was with breeders,
now I come to find it's trouble all the time.
They only come around when they
need it
and I'm just
'fine',
the worst sort of kind.

I only want love
because I've never had it,
at least not the kind that's actually mine.
At least if I'm a hunter chasing rabbits
I'll already know affection's a lie.

I am so ashamed of what I've become.
I am so ashamed of what I once was.
I wish I could find the balance between
purpose and existing just because.
I wish I knew how to rise above.

I don't know how to accept the truth
that in silence I must survive
so my gushing mouth won't reveal my youth
every time I think I see a light.

I'm tied to a post,
I keep running in circles,
I'm out of provisions,
I'm getting restless and starving...
You might want to give me some attention.
It's alarming
that I'd chew my own leg off
just so no one else can harm me.

I wish I could convince you to use a kind word on me
so I could pretend I remember how to love.
I would show you the saint I used to be
so you can destroy her again;
once is never enough.

I am not in love with you.
I am nothing but a ghost
who is worthless too.
I guess I wasn't meant to be married,
I guess I wasn't meant for fame,
I guess I'm only saving myself for death,
and I can barely wait.

If there's anything I've learned
it's to do what I must,
and to not be afraid when they leave me alone,
to make my own choices,
to be strong,
and brave,
and never let anyone into my home...

If my senses come back,
if the lines run low,
there's only one thing left to do...
I'll keep repeating it
until I'm smart enough to know
I don't mean anything to you.

I know how to keep it from being a problem.
I know exactly what to do.

He said no one will ever love me
the way he did.
I know it's true- well, half-true.
No one loves me.
I'm all alone
...but I'm not afraid, except to feel,
so it's okay...
you can go.

I said I'm not afraid, I'm no longer afraid
no
I'm not afraid of dying

...alone