Sleep Poem by Kitty Marie Lucas

Sleep



I used to be carried by emptiness,
As you gave me away piece by piece
To anyone who would offer to fix things
By keeping the blame on me. 
Therapeutic misrepresentation
Was never too hard
When one assumes by your silence you are
What they say you are.
 
While I searched for a way
To stop the injuries,
I sold myself short
By giving you peace,  
And listening to the echoes
Of what I'd never be
Never allowed sleep
To knit the raveled sleeve. 
 
Too many nights,
Always reflecting on myself,
Obeying your behest,
Searching out a way to get well... 
 
I was always guilty of
Everything...
I always repented for
Just being. 
 
I'm older now,
I rarely make a sound.
Too many missed calls,
The years broke me down. 
I still sleep.
I still don't dream.
I still only wake from nightmares where I'm screaming
At you
And hurting you
...Like you hurt me. 
 
I'm older now
And I've grown loud.
No more sleeping life away.
My sleeping life,
A way
To a waking me it found. 
 
A restless anger has become unbound. 
 
I figured you couldn't understand
Because you never experienced the same,
But now I know you won't understand
Because you don't feel anything. 
 
The silence where I stood
Is still filled with emptiness,
But now of a self
That can no longer exist
Cooperatively comatose
And cautiously selfless,
At least, toward you,
With anything
But bitterness. 
 
These days you call,
With nothing to say...
You call
Like you never did. 
Now that I've found a place to put my pain
You want a part in what you never did. 
 
You won't take responsibility,
You are never wrong.
You're either never around to blame
Or I've been the problem all along. 
 
I've found that
How you can't relate
Is how I will react
To the distance between your version
And the matter of the fact
That I can no longer endure
Your point of view;
I can no longer endure
Your contact. 
 
Through your mistakes I've found mine.
Through your apathy I've lied
To myself, to deny
This mess
Any opportunity to be left behind...
But I'm tired of being kept awake by anger
And I'm tired of silent futility,
I'm tired of the validation I hear in your voice
As you're taking mine from me. 
 
The distance won't seem so far
When I see again,
That you know you're right,
I have been doing it wrong
All along.
This time, rest assured
You are right for the last time.
It's all about you
I was wrong.

Thursday, July 20, 2017
Topic(s) of this poem: abuse,anorexia,bullying,childhood ,family,heartbreak,kindness,love,relationships,religion
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