Somebody Else Poem by Vanessa Brown

The pills are there, lined up,
And I'm counting, counting, counting -
Breathing in, psyching myself;
Suddenly there don't seem so many
And it doesn't seem so scary.

The bridge is there, beckoning me,
And I'm leaning, leaning, leaning -
Breathing in, psyching myself;
Suddenly it doesn't seem so high
And it doesn't seem so scary.

It's not for the drama or attention,
It's not for you, nor for the pain, no -
It's simply because I hate myself.

I hate what I've become,
I hate that I'm hurting my friends -
I hate that I made my best friend cry,
And made the other one shout.

I hate that I'm being selfish,
And I hate that I'm being a burden;
I hate that I'm being clingy,
And I hate that I need constant affection
Just to get me through the day.

I hate that I can't be your friend,
And I hate the way I reacted.
I hate that you don't care,
But I hate it more when you do.

I hate that you're not around,
And I hate that I've pushed you away.
But what I hate the most is that
I still love you.

Purely and simply, I don't want to be me.

So I'm standing by that bridge,
Or standing with those pills -
Perhaps running my finger across a blade,
Testing its keenness.

But I don't do it.
Because I don't want to hurt people, or friends.
The way I hurt.

So instead I'll be brave,
And smile and laugh -
Get excited by simple things perhaps -
Then no-one will ever know
how close i got, or how much it hurts.

And I'll put my best dress on,
And my best shoes, and do my hair -
And for now, just for tonight,
I'll smile and frolick and laugh -
And make like crazy
To be somebody else.