The Babysitter Poem by John Carter Brown

Is there anybody out there with a baby
That can cry as much as this one on my arm?
Seems there's nothing I can do to stop him screaming,
Seems there's nothing I can do to keep him calm.

I dosed him up with 'calpol ' like they told me,
The husband he was sure that it would work;
I put him on my shoulder and I patted him,
And patted it back up, I felt a berk.

I wondered if his nappy needed changing,
It did, I cleaned him up, and then felt sick;
Alas, it made no difference to his screaming,
The noise is really getting on my wick.

Is there anybody out there with the knowledge,
Is there anyone who knows what I can do?
Oh no! again, looks like it's baby versus 'calpol, '
A pint of it is pouring on my shoe.

His mother said he is a little darling,
With golden hair and eyes of china-blue;
You wouldn't think that such a little darling
Could cry as much as him, what can I do?

The time is really dragging, what a nightmare,
The kettle's boiling over on the hob;
I wish I'd never joined the bloomin' boy-scouts,
The next time they can shove their bob-a-job!

Written Jan 1996