The Beserker (16 Scots Poems) Poem by Sheena Blackhall

1.The Wolf o Badenoch (Alexander Stewart,1st Earl of Buchan 1343-1394)

The Wolf o Badenoch had mony lairs
Glen Lyon’s Castle Garth, Kingussie’s Ruthven
Drumin bi cauld Glenlivet, Lochindorb
Names kent an cursed bi aa the Host o Heiven

He sired forty bairns bi orra jaads
Syne turned his barren, lawful wife aside
Thus Moray’s bishop, Alexander Bur
For richt an virtue tuik his lady’s side

A monk wis sent tae excommunicate
The Wolf. At Lochindorb he tracked him doon
An for repon the haly cheil wis flang
Inno the Castle pit tae sterve an droon

The Wolf rade oot tae spulzie Forres toun
Pluscarden Abbey brunt: his rooze wis lowsed
Tae Elgin he brocht flame an sword an wae
The Lantern o the North foraye wis dowsed

Men spakk his name in fuspers, crossed thirsels
Until the nicht a veesitor in black
Cried inbye Ruthven Castle ae dreich gloam
An eildritch pyoke o chessmen on his back

Aa nicht Auld Clootie wi the coorse Wolf played
Aa nicht a deidly storm rang roon the haa
Bi mornin ilkie servant chiel lay killt
Sterk on the muir ootbye the Castle waa

An in the banquet room, the Wolf hissel
Lay cauld upon the brod wi glowerin een
His sowel in Hell, far aa the Damned maun bide
The verra iron nails rived frae his sheen

His tomb is at Dunkeld. Step cannie there
Nae effigy or slab can bind him in
Fariver coorseness wauks in human form
The Wolf o Badenoch’s ae step ahin.


2.A Capsule Hotel

Gin yer skint an ye bide in Japan
Takk a keek at the new hoosin plan
For fowk biggt like a sprat
Ye can hing up yer hat
In a capsule. Watch oot fur yer knees!


3.Horatio Nelson: Tune We’re Bound for the Rio Grand

Horatio Nelson wis seasick each day
Aywis ailin
Horatio Nelson wis seasick each day
Bit he’s won him a plinth wi a stan

Chorus
Sae Huzzah, medics Huzzah
Bring yer text buiks
For surgery, tropical ailments aboon
In the corp o this seafarin man

Malaria, typhus, thon tar catched them aa
Aywis ailin
An a steen frae a sanbag tuik oot his eebaa
Bit he’s won him a plinth wi a stan

His humerus bane wi a musket wis splayed
Aywis ailin
His richt airm cam aff wi the surgeon’s blade
But he’s won him a plinth wi a stan

A Frenchie merksman gaed this Lord a begeck
Aywis ailin
He bruck his foreheid wi a shot frae the deck
Bit it’s won him a plinth wi a staun

Sae vauntie o ribbons an medals wis he
Aywis ailin
He wis killt bi a shot tae his ain Victory
Bit its won him a plinth wi a staun


4.Faldie’s Nowt

The stots in the byre hae wide set een
Wi full lang lashes o purest cream
Curly powes an sharny shanks
Libbit an polled wi hairy flanks

Their story eyns at the Killin Hoose
They’ll niver growe auld. They’re fat an crouse
They’re kittle an swack thon furreign breed
A short roch life, an a lang time deid


5. The Wids o Clune: for the Pitcowdens project, Durris

If ye gang by Durris, step in the wids o Clune
Larick an aik trees will keep ye snod an dry
Dauncin unner Douglas firs, bairnies late or soon
Learn tae lue the lanscape on the story wye
Mony cam tae visit, by the Curly Brae

Will they finn a wallie there, hidden in the girse?
Will they finn a Clootie Tree, far leaves and wishes swey?
Wheesht! Stand in seelence. Reid squirrels pass!
Farrer up the knoweheid, there’s a beerial cairn
Steen Circle lies there aneth the winny skies
Bairnies frae Pitcowdens dauchle here tae learn
The tree names, the flooer names, the wud birds’ cries


6.The Tribbled Toun
After the painting The Troubled City by Ken Currie, Scottish National Gallery

Berlin at the wersh eyn o its glory days
Frae the Brandenburg Yett tae the Reichstag
Rowed in a lowe.

Corp-like shaddas, hooded, fearie, masked
Burnin files an papers
Ghaistly, gurly, the ruins far
Loons war hingit on lamp posts.
Bairns, thrapplit like chuckens
Fa wadna fecht

An syne, the rummle o Soviet tanks,
The skirlin o sodjers, roch an murdrous
Shots brakkin windaes, shells explodin in backies

An ongaun orgy wi weemen skreichin for help,
Rifle butts duntin doon doors
Killin, nae prisoners taen on either side.
The daith o a war that didna dee wi a sigh.


7. The Chiel fa Tamed the Craa: William Glennie Tune: Drumdelgie

In the year o 1941, near hauf wye throwe the war
In Meldrum toun a chiel wis born fas skills wad takk him far
A clivvir loon he left gthe skweel, his learnin scarce begun
Tae takk a fee at Hillocks wi a fermer an his son

He fed upon the knotty brose weel steered in his brose cup
An wirkit Meg the muckle shire bi cryin Whoa an Hup
An aince his time o caain neeps an fermin darg wis dane
Aff tae John Lewis shipyaird as apprentice he wis taen

The engineerin trade he learned, syne aff he set again
Tae jyne the trawlin industry in charge o ither men
At 23 the youngest engineer in his hale squad
He vrocht wi Walker’s Steam Trawl Fish, fa scoored the sea for cod

Fan ithers tint their jobs in thon unchancy post war years
He raise tae Superintendent ower his brither engineers
The fleet that he tuik tent o wis the brawest on the sea
Wi mony’s the bonnie fishin boat weel-kent in history

Bit fortunes cheenge, some boaties gaed tae catch the fish nae mair
Hall Russell’s quickly snapped him up an he got settled there
Tae Norway an the west coast ports he traivelled in his trade
Tae fit a sonar fish finder, an gie research an aid

At thirty wi Shore Porters his job wis fairly set
A pairtner in the business, near as heich as he cud get
Bit ither irons in the fire o life he plunkit doon
A leader in the Salmon Nettin Station near the toun

Noo had he bin a lesser man, his cloot wad be wrung oot
Bit Glennie biggt a hoose in Dyce the best for miles aboot
An urban castle wi sic ferlies ower gran tae list
Shipped in frae aa the airts like ony magpie’s treisur kist

He merches up at Lonach wi a pike an plaid sae braw
He fand the time tae wed an raise a family an aa
As provost o the Trades he wore their gowden chyne sae braa
Bit fowk in Dyce aa ken him as the chiel fa tamed the craa!

Gin ye ging up tae Aiberdeen in sunsheen or in sna
Ye’ll mebbe see him gaun aboot. Ye winna see the craa
It perched upon his shoulder an atap his car did race
Bit noo it’s deid, its ghaistie haunts the gairdens o the place.


8.Beau Brummell

Beau Brummell, a Regency buck
Wis niver doon-wechtit wi luck
Quo he ‘Fa’s yer fat frien? ’
An twis clear he did mean
The Prince, wi the girth o a truck

Beau Brummell tuik five oors tae dress
(As a dandy, he aimed tae impress)
Bit he gambled his wealth
An he ruined his health
An thon’s aa he did, mair or less.


9. Rasputin

Fowk hated the gyte monk Rasputin
They decidit they maun pit the buit in
They pyson’t, syne shot him. Fit finally got him
Wis the river they droont the puir breet in


10. John Cage

John Cage, John Cage, queerest ferlies heard on stage
Clunks an clicks an hoasts an splooters
Pianies playin tooter-ooters
Plunks andreeps…an unca soun
Dingin music’s norms aa doon


11.Dr Livingstone’s Unscreived Letter

Conseeder yer bairns, left faitherless
Bi absence an yer driven wint tae explore

Conseeder Mrs Livingstone gettin blootered
Straas on her camel’s back as big’s a ruck

Lion-mauled, connached bi cholera,
Etten up bi ulcers, dysentery, malaria,
Wis it wirth it,
Yer bluid birsslin wi fever
Yer mowser bleached bi heat
Yer wyme rummlin wi hunger
Yer seed in anither continent
The lift abune ye plottin
Deein alane, wis it wirth it?

Poles apairt, frae Blantyre tae Zambesi,
Tae re-chirsten a native linn, Victoria
Though The Rikk that Thunners
Seems a fitter name

Chief Chitabo’s tribe howked oot yer crined, stoot, hairt
Claimin it beat fur Africa alane
Beeriet it unner the Mvulu tree in the clachan

Chuma an Sumi cairriet yer corp thegither
A thoosan miles tae the coast, tae ship back hame
Tae a cauld Abbey, beeriet wi cauld honours

Addressed tae survivin kin,
The letter ye niver screived:
Forgie me fur leavin. Some things
Takk heicher preference tae family


12. Michael Jackson’s Pet-Rap

Fin Michael Jackson deed, man, he left a zoo
Fu o pets needin feedin makkin piles o poo

His first pet Ben, wis a muckle hairy rat
Far ye micht hae a hamster or a wee fat cat

He had tigers, he had puggies, he had zebras, he had snakes
Alligators that cud gie a body ghaistie shakes

He had elephants, giraffes, he had wud alpacas
Bubbles the puggie fa could waggle his maracas
His parrots skreich tae cactii in Arizona
His snakes hae fand a hideyhole in Oklahoma

Madonna, Jackson’s python, is a tourist draa
The tigers hae a compound oot in Shambala

A pet isnae fur Xmas, fur a day an a denner
Tho it costs a thoosan dollars or a British tenner

Fin ye dee, ye canna takk alang yer cats an dugs
Sae makk sure they’re luikit eftir fin ye pop yer clogs!


13.Empedocles

Empedocles in antiquity
Tuik tae thinkin a God he micht be
Tae pruv Divine Natur, intae Etna’s crater
He lowped. Noo he’s jist lava bree.


14. Mr Jackdaa

Mr Jackdaa on the lum
Dichts his neb an plunks his bum
Chyak! He cries, syne cracks a snail
Open. Etts the cratur hale

Mrs Jackdaa thinks he’s braa
Gies him tasty bits tae chaa
Roadkill for the heid o hoose
Barley..Wyver…baby moose

He’s her beau on twiggy legs
Bides tae help her raise the eggs
They are leal, the male jackdaas
Peety humans waurna craas!


15.In Camperdoon Zoo

At Camperdoon Zoo, you micht nae see a gnu
Bit there’s wolves disembowellin their tea
Nae bears in the pen (Mebbe deid in the den?)
An a cuddie releasin a pee

The otter the day’s on a wee holiday
The lemurs are lazily lollin
The fite snawy hoolet is dowie an wae
An its keech... weel thon’s simply appallin

The marmoset’s checkin fur flechs in its chum
The rhea is luikin upset
The lynx is a minx gettin up tae high jinks
The porcupine’s naebody’s pet

Torties are warsslin like battlefield tanks
There’s wallabies duntin a greetin
There’s a fruit bat or three. A wud cat lookin twee
Bit a jumbo of tin! ! ! Thon’s plain cheatin!


16.The Pirate

The pirate cam wi a terrible roar
Wi a sword an a cutlass tae oor front door

He’d a reid scarf wippit aroon his neck
An a bobbin parrot that gaed peck peck

‘Cam in, ’ quo Mum, ’ takk a brakk frae the sea
Cause even a pirate needs his tea.’