The Grand Tour Poem by Kris Viscardini

Pack the car
we're going far
We may end up looking like tramps
after staying at all our camps

We're heading North
to the Firth of Forth
but first we're on the Moors
stuck next to the loquacious Geordie boors
boosted by booze and Vitbe
we head off to Whitby

We take a look at Captain Cook
and try not to get impaled
on the jawbones of an old blue whale
then it's our wish
to get some fish with chips
but there's the rub
no food at the pub
so Chris goes hunting cod
it wasn't far he trod
and M&C feasted on the grub

Next day to Danby Fair
to see the leaping horses
negotiating courses
their riders steering
and the crowds cheering

Then tea at Guisborough
eating the wrongly labelled cake
so fudge with cream
instead we take
devouring all with eyes agleam

We then again go forth
heading even further north
aiming for Berwick
we settle on Alnwick
the lass has sea bass
and the omadaun steak
and their thirsts they slake

Today's tourist parcel
includes Alnwick Castle
as both Cardens
enjoy the gardens
then back to the car
to keep going far


We're feeling A1
as we tame the A1
as a result of our trots
we're in the land of the Scots
and we're feeling quite mellow
as we reach Portobello

Next day with no fuss
we're catching the bus
our daughter to meet
in Princes Street

She's headed to the Northern Nation
to display her skills at improvisation
along with many of her friends
all 'au fait' with the comic trends
on wordplay and repartee they binge
lighting up the Edinburgh Fringe

Our Anna plays her part
right from the start
and it's no rumour
that her sense of humour
is off the chart

We see the wrong Ffion Jones
with her Walesland moans
many a laugh she'll seek
with her giant leek
and she helps us see
what it's been like in Swansea

Then we cut our teeth
with a walk into Leith
and guess what?
We're on the Royal Yacht
and give it all we've got
after noshing to excess
in Pizza Express

To lakeland we're off now
to a field in Patterdale
where the strains of a lowing cow
will see us hearty and hale
and with more thrills and spills
we'll head up the hills

We couldn't ask for more
as we finish our Grand Tour
we've seen all across the moor
like Owen Glendower
our legs are quite sore
but the journeys we adore


POSTSCRIPT

Sadly the tent
turned out all bent
we had gone South
and so had the tent
Providence our new plan revealed
not to lie down in a soggy field
our tent's now gone
So it's back to Abington