The Lost Hat Poem by Sidi Mahtrow

The Argument

How the lawyer (student) ,
not accompanied by Don Quixote,
by his squire, Sancho,
or the barber,
found himself in a circumstance
of great embarrassment
and only by his quick thinking
did he retain the chance
that the hand of a fair one
might still be his.

Prologue

Fair reader,
if you think that
many of the stories of Don Quixote
have found their way
into other prose and poetry,
you are correct.

This offering is one
that has been in part
told by the fellow from Connecticut,
known for his story
about a traveler in
King Arthur's time.

As that one traveled,
he came upon a story
similar to this
but he was unable to know the ending
as the person who related it to him
did not finish it.

Fortunate we are that
the famous Don penned in his diary
the events as they happened
and by careful research,
it has been reconstructed
and is preserved for
future generations.

As with many stories
written by the great recorders of history,
some of the characters
change but the events
remain much the same.
So it is as we begin
the tale of 'The Lost Hat.'

The Beginning

The Lawyer who had aged
far more than his teeth
and was known throughout his village
as Don the Good's friend;
was manly yet gentle,
bold yet bashful,
boastful yet timid,
and as he lived
in the quite village of La Mancha,
all knew of his,
shall we say peculiarities.

His friends numbered many
including the barber, priest,
other men of learning
and the villagers
who sometimes
depended on his generosity
as he took from his own larder
to provide for them
in times of need.

He was a reader on occasion
in the Church
and at the school.
Being a reader,
was but a humble distinction;
still, perhaps it was his only one,
regardless, he was modestly
proud of it and was
devoted to the Church,
its work and its interest.

The extreme kindliness
of his nature was recognized
by all; in fact,
people said that
he was made entirely out of good impulses
and bashfulness:
that he could always
be counted upon for help
when it was needed,
and for bashfulness
both when it was needed,
and when it was not.

His lady fair
if one might call her that,
was at least three score,
but who counts
when one has passed the years
where youth is favored.

It is just to say that
she did have a certain winning way,
although some might relate it
to her love for the fruit of the vine
and not too discriminating taste
in those who sought her favor.
But to the man of law,
she was most beautiful
and the subject of much day-dreaming
as well as an occasional foray
into the town
to see if her affections
might be won.

When she happened
to glance his way,
his spirits rose and
were as quickly dashed
when the smile she bore
was directed to another.

Was she wavering,
in his dreams,
he had high hopes,
but come morning
drifted into despair
and retreated to his library
where he searched his books
for an answer
or perhaps a palliative
to his miseries.

It is fair to say
that the lady's mother
had been in opposition
from the first
as she saw better chances
for her daughter.

But as wishes
were seen to be not horses
but only their leavings,
she was wavering.
Perhaps the student
sensed an opportunity,
or was it that he
overlooked the interest
the mother showed,
as that of her own amorous intent?

Nevertheless,
the student intended
to win the old one's approbation
and thought he had found a way
through other family members.

Not far from town
and over the swift flowing stream
that provided a cooling refuge
for many of the town youth,
who saw no need for modesty
when they were amongst their own,
lay the small holdings
of the mother's sisters.

Passed down from
generation to generation,
they lived alone in a house
that at best could be
described as humble.
But, it was all
that they possessed
and with the meager rents
they sometimes were lucky enough
to collect, they managed;
but not well.

On more than one occasion,
the food in their larder
came from the lawyer's
own simple table.

As the student dwelt
deep into his books,
an idea appeared
before him.

Perhaps through the hearts
of these two maidens,
he might find a way
to his true love's heart
(and permission
from her mother as well,
if it please God,
as he was so familiar
of saying.)

The Donna was touched
by his warm interest
in the two charity projects.
These were two forlorn and aged
sisters who lived in a log hut
in a lonely place
up a cross road
four miles from the more prosperous
abode of his true love.

It is fair to say,
one of the sisters was crazy,
and sometimes a little violent,
but not often,
and the other would loose
in a beauty contest
to the back end
of an ass.
Be that as it may,
they were the key
to the box that locked away
the heart of lady.

The Woeful Event

With coming of spring,
the time seemed ripe
for a final advance,
and the student,
whose name I cannot recall,
gathered his courage
together with a basket of treats,
and resolved to make
the best of it.

He would take along
a contribution of food
from his root cellar,
double the usual size,
and win the mother over;
with her opposition annulled,
the rest of the conquest
would be sure and prompt.

He took to the road
in the middle of a placid Sunday
afternoon in the soft period
before the onset of the heat
of summer,
and he was equipped
properly for his mission.
No armor did he wear.
No he was clothed
all in white linen
pressed carefully
by his house keeper,
a blue ribbon
had been fashioned
for a necktie,
and he had on what
could be described
as dressy tight boots
or shoes if you so call them,
blackened especially for this occasion.

The horse and cart
were the finest
that the livery-stable in town
could furnish.
Across his lap,
a robe was of the finest wool,
carefully dyed and woven.
It was new,
and it had a hand-worked design
known only to a select few
and it could not be rivaled
in that region
for beauty and elaboration.

When he was four miles
out on the lonely road
he came to the wooden bridge
and as he was unsure of the horse,
he stopped, stepped down
and carefully led the rental horse
over the bridge.

As might be expected in the springtime,
a fresh breeze
swept down the creek and,
alas, his hat blew off and
where did it drift on the wind,
but into the creek.

It floated down and
lodged against a sand bar
not too distant.
What to do?
Somehow, he must recover his hat,
that was manifest;
but how was he to get it?

Then he had an idea.
The roads were empty
at this time of day and
nobody was stirring.
Yes, he would risk it.
He led the horse to the roadside
and set it to cropping the grass;
then he undressed and
put his clothes in the cart,
petted the horse a moment
to secure its compassion
and its loyalty,
then hurried to the stream.
He swam out
and soon had his hat.

Alas, when he got to the top
of the bank the horse
and cart were gone!

He had faced many challenges
in his life,
but this affront
was too much,
his legs almost gave way
under him.

And then he spied the horse
walking leisurely along the road,
nipping at tender shoots of
grass as he went.
The student trotted after it,
saying, whoa, whoa,
here good fellow, and,
perhaps muttering a few choice oaths
remembered from his reading.

However, whenever
he got near enough
to chance a grab for the reins,
the horse quickened its pace
just a little
and defeated his efforts.

And so it went,
the Spaniard,
naked as a jay-bird,
hat firmly settled on head,
perishing with anxiety,
expecting every moment
to see people come in sight;
he could only continue
this game of cat and mouse.

He tagged on and on,
imploring the horse,
beseeching the horse,
cursing the horse,
till he had left
only a short distance between him,
and the Donna farm;
then at last
he was successful,
he caught up the reins
and brought the horse to a halt.
He got up onto the cart seat,
flung on his undershirt;
next came the shirt;
then he reached for his pants
but he was too late;
he sat suddenly down
and pulled up the lap-robe,
for he saw someone
coming out of the near yard;
a woman, he thought.

He wheeled the horse
to the left,
and struck briskly up
the crossroad.
It was perfectly straight,
and exposed on both sides;
but there were woods
and a sharp turn
three miles ahead,
and he was very grateful
when he got there.

The Encounter

As he passed
around the turn
he slowed
the horse to a walk,
and reached for his pants,
too late again.

He had come upon villagers
who were visiting the Donna
and his true love.
They, four in number,
were on foot,
and seemed tired and excited.

At once, seeing the cart,
they stepped to it and
reached out their hands for comfort,
all spoke at once,
and in their gabble,
sounded as geese,
but finally it was understood by the lawyer.
How glad they were
that he had come,
and how fortunate it was.

The first woman said,
impressively,
'It looks like an accident,
his coming at such a time;
but let no one profane it
with such a name;
he was sent.
Sent from on high.'

They were all moved,
and the second said in an awed voice,
'Sandra C.,
you never said a truer word in you life.
The man is an angel
an angel as truly as ever an angel
was an angel of deliverance.
I say angel,
and will have no other word.
Sir, let any one ever say to me again,
that there no such thing
as special Providences;
for if this isn't one,
let them account for it that can.'

'I know it's so.'
said the fair-one's mother, fervently.
'Sir, I could worship you;
I could go down on my knees to you.
Didn't something tell you,
didn't you feel
that you were sent?
I could kiss the
hem of your lap-robe.'

The student was unable to speak;
he was helpless
both with shame and fright.
The prattling continued:

'My, just look at it all around, women.
Any person can see the hand
of Providence in it.
Here at noon what do we see?
We see the smoke rising.
I speak up and say,
that's the Old People's house afire.
Didn't I? '

'The very words you said.
I was as close to you
as I am now,
and I heard them.
You may have said
hut instead of cabin,
but in substance
it's the same.

And you were looking pale, too;
a colour not unlike
the fine detail
bordering the lap-robe.'

'Pale? I was so pale,
that is why,
you just compared it
with his lap-robe.
Then the next thing I said was,
we'll get the hired man
to rig up to team
so we can go to the rescue.
And she said,
to the other one that is,
don't you remember,
you told him
he could drive
to see his people, and
stay over on the Lord's Day.
And it was just so.
I declare for it,
I had forgotten it.
Then, said I,
we'll all go afoot.
And go we did.
And what did we find,
why we found this one
on the road. '

'And we all went together, '
said the second woman.
'And found the cabin set fire and
burnt down by the crazy one,
and the poor old things so old
and feeble that they couldn't go
afoot with us.

And we got them to a shady place
and made them as comfortable
as we could,
and began to wonder
which way to turn
to find some way
to get them conveyed
to a proper house.
And I spoke up and said
now what did I say?
Didn't I say,
Providence will provide? '

' By gory,
why sure as you live,
so you did!
I had forgotten it.'

'Say, I said it first,
added her companion,
But you certainly said it.
Now wasn't that remarkable? '

'Yes, I said it.
And then we went to the
first neighbor's house,
I never can remember their name
but you know
they have the nicest
flowers and those children,
just too many to count.

Dear me,
I done forgot
where I was headed.
Now I remember,
we be gone some two miles
if it isn't a step less,
and when we
hallowed the house
it was quiet,
cause all of them were
gone to the prayer meeting
over on the estate of that Count,
you know the short fat one
with the roving eye;
and then we came all the way back,
two miles, and then here,
another mile, and lo,
Providence has provided.
You see it yourselves.'

They gazed at each other
awe-struck,
and lifted their hands and
said in unison:
'It's per-fectly wonderful.'

And then, said the older
and wiser one,
'What do you think
we had better do?
Let this fine young man
drive the Old People to our house
one at a time,
or put both of them in the cart,
and him lead the horse? '

The student gasped.

'Now, then,
that's a question, '
said the smaller one.
'You see,
we are all tired out,
and any way we fix it,
it's going to be difficult.
For if the man takes both of them,
at least one of us
must go back to help him,
for he can't load them
into the cart by himself,
and them being so helpless.'

'That so, '
said the first.
'It doesn't look easy,
but, how would this do! -
one of us drive there with the man,
and the rest of you
go along to my house
and get things ready.
I'll go with him.
He and I together can lift
one of the Old People into the cart;
then drive her to my house and - '

'But who'll take care of the other one?
said the worrier of the three, '
We mustn't leave her there
in the woods alone,
you know especially the crazy one.
There and back is
eight miles, you know.'

While our student
had sat on the cart seat
with the robe
gathered around his legs,
the daughter,
(That is his intended)
gave him a queer look and
then and went
to sit with her mother and
the other two on the grass
beside the buggy.
The ladies were resting
their weary bones and
continued to chatter,
The most of which
can't be remembered.

They fell silent
a moment or two,
and struggled in thought
over the baffling situation;
then one brightened and said:
I think I've got the idea, now.
You see,
we can't walk any more.

Think what we've done already,
four miles there,
two to neighbors, is six,
then back to here,
it's nine miles at least since noon,
and not a bite to eat or drink.

I declare I don't see
how we done it;
and as for me,
I am just not going any more.
Yet, one's got to go back,
to help him,
there's no getting around that;
but whoever goes has got to ride,
not walk.
So my idea is this:
one of us will ride back with him,
then ride to the next house
with one of the Old People,
leaving his goodness
to keep the other old one company,
you all to go now
to the cabin and rest and wait;
then one of you
drive back and
get the other one and
drive here and
our good neighbor,
the young man can walk.

Splendid! they all cried.
Why, that will do.
That will answer perfectly.
And they all said
the Donna had the best head
for planning in the whole district,
and they said
that they wondered
that they hadn't thought of
this simple plan themselves.
They hadn't meant
to take back the compliment,
good simple souls,
and didn't know
they had done it.

After a consultation
it was decided that the
youngest should drive back
with the student,
she being entitled to the
distinction because she had
invented the plan and
besides she was the stronger of the two
in case any help was needed in
getting the crazy one in the cart.
Everything now being
satisfactorily arranged and
settled, the ladies rose,
relieved and happy,
brushed down their gowns and
three of them started homeward;
the elected one set her foot
on the cart step and
was about to climb in,
when finally the lawyer
found a remnant of his voice
and gasped out,
please, call them back
I am very weak;
I can't walk,
I can't indeed.

'My dear!
You do look pale;
I am ashamed of myself
that I didn't notice it sooner.
Come back,
all of you!
The man's not well.'

'Is there anything
I can do for you, Sir.
I'm real sorry.
Are you in pain? '

No, madam,
only weak,
I am not sick,
but only just a bit weak lately;
not long, but just lately.'

The others came back,
and poured out their sympathies
and commiserations,
and were full of self-reproaches
for not having noticed
how pale he was.
And they at once
struck out a new plan,
and soon agreed
that it was by far
the best of all.
They would all go to
their house and
see to the man's needs first.
He could lie on the sofa
in the parlor,
and while The Donna
and the light of his life,
took care of him
the other two ladies would
take the buggy
and go
and get one of the Old People,
and leave one of themselves
with the other one, and -

By this time,
without any solicitation,
they were at the horse's head and
were beginning to turn him around.
The danger was imminent,
but once again the lawyer found his voice
and saved himself.

He said, 'But ladies,
you are overlooking something
which makes the plan impracticable.
You see if you bring one of them home,
and someone remains
behind with the other,
there will be three persons
there when one of you
comes back for the other,
for some one must
drive the horse and cart back,
and three can't come home in it.

They all exclaimed,
'Why, sure, that is so! '
And they were all perplexed again.

'Dear, dear, what can we do! '
said the spry one;
'It'a the most mixed-up thing
that ever was.
The fox and the goose
and the corn and things,
and Sancho's tales,
oh, dear, they are nothing
compared to it.'

They sat wearily down once more,
to further torture
their tormented heads
for a plan
that would work.
Presently the daughter offered a plan;
it was her first effort.

She said:
'I am young and strong,
and refreshed, now.
My friend can go on to our house and rest.
You see how plainly he needs it.
I'll go back and
take care of the Old People;
I can be there in twenty minutes.
You can go on and
do what you first started to do,
wait on the main road at our house
until somebody comes along
with another cart;
the farmers will soon be
coming back from town now.
I'll keep Old Polly patient
and cheered up.
The crazy one doesn't need it.'

This plan was discussed and accepted:
It seemed the best
that could be done,
under the circumstances,
and they thought,
the Old People must be
getting mighty discouraged
by this time.

The student felt relieved,
and was deeply thankful.
Let him once get to the main road
and he would find a way to escape.

Then Donna said:
'The evening chill will be coming on,
pretty soon, and
those poor old burnt-out things
will need some kind of covering.
Take the lap-robe with you, dear.'

'Very well, Mother, I will'.
And, she stepped to the buggy
and put out her hand to take it

What was he to do?
Consider: His character;
great generosity and kindness,
but complicated
with unusual shyness
and diffidence,
particularly in the
presence of ladies.

Then there was his love
for the beauty before him,
in a hopeful state
but far from secure
(in his own mind) indeed,
this affair must be
handled with great tact,
and no mistakes made,
no offense given.
And there was the
mother wavering,
half willing but adroit
and flawless diplomacy
would be necessary,
to win her over,
now, or perhaps never at all.

Also, there were
the helpless Old People
yonder in the woods
waiting.
Their fate and his happiness
to be determined
by what he should do
within the next two seconds.

As she reached
for the lap-robe;
he had to decide,
there was no time to be lost.

And of course
there could be none
but a happy ending to the story;
finding him in high credit
with the ladies,
his behavior without blemish,
his modesty unwounded,
his character for self-sacrifice maintained,
the Old People rescued
through him, their benefactor,
all the party proud of him,
happy in him,
singing his praises on
all their tongues.

But he was beset
with persistent and
irreconcilable difficulties.
His shyness would not allow him
to give up the lap-robe.
This would offend all.
She and perhaps her mother
would be disgusted;
and it would surprise
the other ladies.

How could his stinginess
toward the suffering Old People
be reconciled,
it was out of character
of his family,
and as he was a special
Providence as they claimed,
he could not properly refuse.
If asked to explain his conduct,
his shyness would not
allow him to tell the truth,
and lack of invention
and practice would find him
incapable of contriving
a lie that would wash.

Alas. Alack, Woe.
And, his fair one was still
reaching for the lap-robe.

It appeared that Angelenia
seemed to have reached
the best conclusion possible
(from the ladies viewpoint
but not from our hapless suitor.)
It appeared imminent
that he would be uncovered,
his nakedness revealed.
His fate would be sealed,
if this be the case
for they would surely
discover his secret and
in so doing,
damn him to eternal bachelorhood
with the loss of the one
he was so close to winning.

The False Denouement

His voice was faint,
but he rose to the occasion.
'Ladies, I have what I believe
to be the best and only solution.
Hear me out.

Now this came as quite a surprise
to the ladies
who were unaccustomed
to having their decisions challenged,
and especially by
one such as a student of law.
But he noted
his intended looked favorably on him
with a smile that could only
be considered encouraging.
He thought,
the battle to be half won.
I have the support of Donna Angelenia,
perhaps I can extricate myself
from this mess that I find myself in.
And he said,
'A single robe
will not be enough,
I propose that Angelenia
(for that is what the Donna
called her daughter) and
I go to the house and
fetch a couple of quilts
that will keep the Old People
quite warm until help comes.'

'Lausy be,
why didn't we think of that.'
Exclaimed the spry one.

'Takes a man to
know these things.'
Angelenia said
with a widening smile.

'Then do it young man, '
her mother said,
nodding her head agreeably,
and looked again
at this Catholic
that might soon be
a member of her household.

It being agreed,
Angelenia placed her foot on the step
and was quickly seated beside the lawyer.
And off they went the
short distance to the house.
When they arrived,
he said,
'If you please
would you gather the quilts
and I will hold the horse in readiness.'

She did so and
soon returned with two quilts
from her own bed,
but so quickly that
the student
could make no progress
whatever with his pants.

Then he said,
'Perhaps some water
for them to drink
would be in order
And off she went
to the well to draw a bucket
of fresh cool water.
Each time she was sent
on an errand,
she returned in short order
so that he was unable
to make any adjustment
in his difficulty.

Finally, Angelenia said,
'Mother's right,
we are all famished,
let me get some bread and cheese,
I'll be right back.'
With that she returned
to the house and
shortly brought
a small basket of foodstuffs,
which she placed
in the back of the cart.

Gathering all his manly courage,
he said to his lady intended,
'It is wrong that
a lady risk her reputation to,
be on the road alone and
going to the aid of those poor old ladies.
While I am in a
somewhat weakened condition,
if I do not go,
your mother will think badly of me
and that is something
I cannot bear.
I shall go to the assistance
of the old ones alone!

'And, as I have responsibility for
the return of this fine horse and
cart to the livery in good time,
I must have the final word.'

'We are agreed that
we must aid our aged brethren,
and the way is clear to me as
how that it shall be done.
You underestimate my abilities.
I shall go alone to
the burnt out house and
I shall put them both aboard the buggy and
point them to the way home.
The good horse knows the way
as well as I and
will return them to you and
your care in short order.
I will remain behind to
salvage what can be of
their possessions and
dear Mary,
you can come for me
when the ladies are comfortably settled.'

‘I shall go with you.'

'No, we must
remain here at the house,
it would be a scandal
to our families and
to our Church,
if we by ill luck
must spend the night together
without proper chaperones.'


'But how will you
get them into the cart,
the step is high,
and they are frail? '
asked she.

'Worry not about that,
I have a plan that
will surely work to
get them aboard,
As I remember,
there is a large tree stump
near the house.
It will make a good footstep.
All that is required is
that I bring the cart close and
they can easily climb aboard
as they have done so
many times before.'

Angelenia released the grip
that she held on the horse's reins and
the student turned
the cart sharply in the road and
gave a wave as he sped away.
He could hardly contain himself
as he knew for the first time
that all would end well.
The road being straight and level,
he let the horse move along
at a quick trot and finally after
going more than a mile,
he was sure no one was in sight.
'Blessed Jesus.'
He thought, and
pulled the horse
to the side of the road so
that he could finally
address his problem.

The Secret Revealed

He removed his pants from
underneath the lap-robe and
was just about to cast the robe aside
when he heard from the near bush,
'Glory Be, Ms. Dulci's young man
has come to get us,
get up, Crazy One.
And almost at the left wheel
of the cart,
not six feet away,
there emerged the two wizened ones.

With God as witness,
they both looked
as spry and happy
as spring chickens.
Both were covered with
smut from the fire and
dust from the road but
were none the worse
for their trek.

The sane(?) one of the pair
came to the right side of the cart
and the other sister
appeared on the left.
'You going to give us a ride, boy? '
asked the Crazy One.
The student's problems had
reappeared with a vengeance,
as the crazy one
pulled herself up and
to his amazement,
raised the lap-robe and
used the corner to
cover her skinny legs.
Here was a woman
who was not able
to help herself,
but she had obviously
walked upwards of a mile and
was raring to go.
And her sister,
held firm to the reins.
Trapped betwixt them
he saw no escape, and
now his problem
had grown worse.

The sister still on the ground,
looking approvingly
to the cart had noticed
something that no one
had seen or not seen before.
The student wore
no shoes, or boots.
His pale white feet,
perfectly clean from
the morning scrubbing,
gleamed.
His toenails reflecting
the summer sun.
'Where're your shoes, boy? '
she asked.

Silence.

And then in a voice
almost too weak to be heard,
'Ladies, I have come for you and
to see that you are safe to
your sister's house.
But first I must tell you a story
that I beg you will indulge me
the time to tell.
When I am finished,
my fate and that of my marriage
interest in your niece
will be in your hands.
I pray that you will not
pass the story on to anyone,
either friend or family,
and I need your solemn word.'

'Tell me a story, '
urged the Crazy One
as she pulled the robe
closer around her,
threatening to bare his legs.
Her sister looked disapproving
at her but couldn't find words to
stop her from her childish play.

'Go on, I think you are going to tell me
what happened to your shoes.
Lawdy child,
that hardly seems reason
to ask for a vow of secrecy.
But go on! '

As only a lawyer can do,
he described in great detail
how he had lost his hat and
then the horse and cart.
How his secret
had come near
to being discovered,
but he in coming for them
had gained a final chance.
But all was lost when
they appeared before him;
his voice failed him and
trailed off.
He began again,
'Underneath this lap-robe
I have nothing on.'
From his face
which was now crimson,
they could see
he was most embarrassed
to be sharing the robe
with the crazy one.
He pleaded,
'Please let me take the blanket,
wrap myself in it and
retire to the bushes where
I will put on my pants.'

'That's a fine story,
but it don't explain
where your shoes be.'

My shoes,
must have been left behind
at the crik.
I can retrieve them
when I go home.
You, Ms. Polly can
drive the cart to your sisters and
ask Angelia to come for me.
Please, oh, please.'

'Sir, that is the most
outrageous and delightful story
I have ever heard
in all my born days.
Take the blanket and
get down,
I'll hold the horse.
And you do
what you may please
in the bushes,
but be quick about it.
And mind you,
I don't believe a word
you've said
but it sure makes a poor soul
feel better after
just having lost her home and
all she has to her possession.'

As quickly as possible,
he got his pants on and
then helped the sane one
into the cart.
He turned the horse
toward home and
gave it a smart slap on rump and
away they went.

The Very End (almost)

About an hour later,
Angelenia came back with the cart and
the first thing she said was,
'Let's go get your shoes.'

Along the way,
she revealed how the Crazy One
had told the whole story
to the disbelief of everyone but herself.
Her mother had laughed
at her sister's tale and said,
'That's the way it is,
the Crazy One just imagines
the most amazing things,
don't you just love her yarns.'

'But you? '

'I remembered
you weren't wearing shoes.'

Did the student win the fair one's heart? Well, that awaits another of Mahtrow's writings, but be warned that the student was considered a worthy catch by some of Spain's most eligible ones and he may find himself in the puzzle of trying to decide how he should divide himself so that he could please so many.'