The Mink (Bairn Rhymes) (33 Scots Poems) Poem by Sheena Blackhall

1. The Doric Alphabet

A is fur aipple that faas fae a tree
B is fur buttery, wi twa wings tae flee
C is fur coatie ye weir fin it’s cauld
D is fur Deirdre, a wee clootie dall

E is fur Elly, the egg o a dyeuk
F is fur forkietail hid in a neuk
G is fur goosers, they’re wersh in the moo
H is fur hoolet fa cries wit-too-woo

I’s fur Iona, an isle oot at sea
J’s fur a Jenny-wren, jinkie’s can be
K is fur Kenneth McAlpine, a king
L’s fur a lass wi a bricht gowden ring

M is fur midden the flees heeze abeen
N’s fur an erne’s nest...leave it aleen
O is fur orangies, squeeze them fur juice
P’s fur the pammerin o mice in the hoose

Q is fur queuin..it niver seems quick
T is fur tattie soup, sappy an thick
U’s an umbrelly ye need in the weet
V’s fur the violet sae bonnie an sweet

W’s fur the win that can boo the hare bell
X is fur xylophone, gie it a knell
Y’s fur the yalla breem up on the brae
Z’s fur the zoo far the parakeets play!


2. The Violent Poem

I’m a violent poem. I lue thrissles
I dinna like violets nor daffs
I like stoosies, stramashes an fechtin
An batterin wee haddies fur laughs

I’m a violent poem. I like fechtin
An scrattin an gougin oot een
I’ve an ASBO fur bullyin sonnets
An blooterin odes wi a steen

The haikus aa rin fin they see me
I’m tattooed frae ma dowp trae ma broo
Ma lugs are baith stap-fu o piercins
I’ve got ten pynty teeth in ma moo

I dinna spikk saftly nor fusper
I flech an I gob an I roar
I’m thinkin o cheengin ma address
Wid ye bide, if I kick doon yer door?


3. Jinty the Traivellin Man

I’m Jinty the traivellin man
I bide in a transit van
I’ll redd up yer gutter
An save ye the scutter
I’m Jinty the traivellin man

I’m Jinty the traivellin man
Ma kettle’s an auld tin can
Yer gairden I’ll tar
Or I’ll service yer car
I’m Jinty the traivellin man

I’m Jinty the traivellin man
Ma pairtner is Mary Anne
Jist haud oot yer haun
An yer fortune she’ll scan
I’m Jinty the traivellin man


4. The Rugby Player

Connor Wabster’s favourite game
Is rowin in the dubs
Heid doon in a rugby scrum
Wi pechs an dunts, an rugs

His mither disnae cam tae watch
She thinks that rugby’s roch
Her Connor turns the bath watter
As broon’s a cattle troch

‘Connor... hame tae tea! ’ she skirled
‘Yer lugs are affa big! ’
Bit fin she lookit closer
Twisnae Connor bit a pig!


5. Sawney Bean

There wis a Scottish cannibal
His name wis Sawney Bean
He didna dine aff smokies
Or troots frae Pittenweem

He didna ett fajitas
Or feast on curries hett
He hunted passin towrists
He catched them in his net

He roasted the Americans
Stir-fried the Japanee
He pickled fowk frae Ullapool
He biled fowk frae Dundee

An some he tinned for eftirs
Or crisped them, fine an flat
Fur tasty snacks ower winter
Nae winner he wis fat!


6. The Vulcan Pupil

I’m a Vulcan pupil
Ma faither’s Mr. Spock
An if I canna space wauk
He says he’ll skelp ma dock

I’m a Vulcan pupil
Wi twa green pynty lugs
Ma tribe are aa descendit frae
A pair o Vulcan bugs

I’m a Vulcan pupil
Ma neb is bogie-free
Cause I breath frae ma bum cheeks
I’m different, ye see.


7. Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty gaed tae the toon
Tae buy a pair o knickers
The anely thing that fittit him wis
A line o sparkly stickers


8. The Plastic Surgeon

I sook bits oot, I stap bits in
Makk thin fowk fat,
Makk fat fowk thin
An fur a fee I cheenge yer smile
Wi gnashers fite tae gie ye style
I rug te wrnkles aff yer broo
I plump yer lips sae that yer moo
Looks like a troot or mummy’s mask
I’m skeely at thon beauty task
An flush the leftowers doon the drain
Bit beauty’s wirth a bittie pain


9. On the Plane

The plane connection’s rinnin late
The trolley dolly’s oot on strike
Volcanic ash flees by like rikk
It’s faister gaun tae Spain bi bike

We’ve sat strapped in fur fifteen oors
Nae sweeties, juice, nae toys for play
Next year, please ma, can we bide hame
An holiday in Montrose Bay?


10. Jessie the Jumbo

I’m Jessie the Jumbo, I’m up fur a dare
I’m fond o balloonin hyne up in the air

I sky dive, I snorkel, I skateboord each day
I scuba dive, paraglide iver sae gay

I’m nae easy fleggit. I luv fin the win
Gaes wheech ben ma lugs fin I gyang fur a spin


11. Stuntman Rick the Ratten

Stuntman Rick’s a ratten
He lowps frae bleezin cars
He gets shot doon bi gangsters
He blaas up bombs in wars

He’s nae like ither rattens
As orra as can be
He weirs ticht Gucci troosers
An spikks on the TV


12. Heids or Tails

Malcolm the secunt wis murderet at Glamis
Duncan wis killt bi Macbeth
Alexander the third hytered aff o a cliff
Leprosy brocht Bruce’s daith

At Perth James the first he wis murderet
His son met a rale bluidy fate
A cannon explodit aside him
An turned him tae maggoties maet

James the third, he wis woundit in battle
An socht oot the help o a priest
Fa wisna a fan...wi a dirk in his haun
He steekit it richt in his breast!

James the fourth led his army at Flodden
He wis mincemeat e’er battle wis deen
Queen Mary o Scots wis beheidit
Fa’d staun in a sovereign’s sheen?


13. Assembly

I’m sittin at Assembly
The fleer is hard an cauld
I’ve sat fur 40 meenits
An I’m anely 5 years auld

A wasp’s crawled up ma troosers
I wint tae skirl an rin
The teacher’s glowerin at me
I’ve tae haud the skirl in

The heidie’s giein prizes
We aa sit up tae see
Ben Duthie’s got a medal
I’m burstin fur a pee! ! !

We’re staunin fur the singin
We’ve sang...we’re shufflin oot
It’s brakk time. Far’s ma playpiece?
Nae anither daud o fruit!



14. Big Bad Wolves

Big Bad Wolves are makkin a comeback
Ilkie pack has a government warnin
Has yer tortie or cattie gaen missin?
Big Bad Wolves can be sleekit an charmin

They’ll chap at yer door an they’ll tell ye
They’re the gas board tae check oot the scheme
Bit ithers will sneak roon yer backie
An rin aff wi yer new trampoline!


15. The Coorse Crocodile

Crocodile, crocodile, foo dae ye smile?
I hinna seen granny nor ma fur a while
I hope ye’ve a dose o the skitters an bile
Fur ettin ma family, coorse crocodile!


16. The Wannerin Win

Far are gaun tae, wannerin win?
The far side o Cathay
Roon far the pirates eesed tae sail
For the pearls o Botany Bay

Fit are the souns that fill fill yer lug?
The plink o a raindrap’s faa
The crack o a monsoon thunnerstorm
The sough fin I drive the snaa

Fit sichts dae ye see, upon yer wye
As ye traivel lan an tide?
Oh that I had braid wings like yours
Tae reenge the warld wide!


17. The Peinter

I’m the fairy that peints the flooer beds
Reid, yalla, siller, gowd
I peint the leaves in autumn
Fin the birk trees showdy-powd

Bit the rain dreeped in ma peintbox
Ma colours ran again
Their grey an broon an purple
Noo I’ll hae tae peint the glen!


18. Tweedledum & Tweedledee

Tweedledum an Tweedledee
Took the train doon tae Dundee
Jist tae ett the famous pies
Drooned in gravy an French fries

Bit the pies war aa selt oot
Aa they got wis pickelt troot
It lowped aff the plate an ran
Back tae jyne the fishy clan!


19.Twinkle Twinkle

Twinkle twinkle jeely car
Bides inside ma sweetie jar

First I’ll ett the driver’s seat
Wheels an bumper...fit a treat!

Noo ma teeth hae holes tae bore
I dinna think I’ll ett the door


19. Incy Wincy Wyver

Incy Wincy Wyver
Climmed up the bathroom plug
Doon cam a dreep
An it landit on her lug

Alang cam a cloot,
Shook her oot the windae pane
An Incy Wincy Spider’s
In the wheelie bin again!

20.Maths

Fee fi fo fum
Fa can help me dae this sum?

20 wasps an twenty flees
Bizz aroon a heron’s knees

Fa can coont the total oot
Fin they’re heezin roon aboot?


21.Snap, Crackle, Pop

Snap Crackle an Pop, we’re three hoolets
We’ll nae ett a paddock or moose
Rice Crispies or Cornflakes oor supper...
Wi a nebfu o fine orange juice.

Syne we sit on oor branch in the meenlicht
An we sing karaoke till dawn
Snap Crack an Pop, we’re three hoolets
We’re vegan, an fond o a sang


22.Flittin

We’re flittin the morn an I’m scunnert
I ken the new hoose’ll be queer
I winna ken nane o the neebors
An aathin will be in a steer

I’ve spukken aboot it tae Teddy
An he thinks the same thing as me
If it’s fooshty, we winna be bidin
Bit da an ma’ll hae tae leave, tee!


23.Ten Green Puddocks

Ten green puddocks, lowpin ben the waa x3
An if ae green puddock,
Should play at heid the baa
Aa the ither green paddocks
Will heid the baa an aa


24.The Mole: traditional

I’m a mole, fol-de-roll
I’m a mole an I bide doon in ma hole

Wi ma little furry coat
Roon ma heid, ma bum, ma throat
I am ower deep doon tae show it in ma hole.


25.The Tattiebogle

A craas amang the tatties
I’ll wag ma airms aboot
Makk on that I’m a monster
An flegg the nesty brute

A moose bides in ma pooches
He rins aroon ma sark
I like tae him near me
Especially in the dark!


26.Balloon

Wheech...I’m lowse. I’m up in the air
Heicher an heicher an heicher I flee
Ower the wids, the kirk an the toon
Naebody, naebody’s gaun tae catch me!


27.Hetty Hampster

Hetty Hampster staps her mou
Her chooks are like twa melons
An fin her feedin dish is full
She disna need twa tellins.

She rins aboot her wheel at nicht
Wi supersonic speed
A wee bionic hamster
Fuelled bi watter, nuts an seed


28. Lingle Lingle

Lingle lingle lang tang
Oor cat’s deid
He skytit aff the garage
An he laundit on his heid

We arenae gaun tae beery him
We’re cheerin up his wives
They ken oor cat’ll live again
Cause cats hae seven lives!


29.Wee Jakey Jinky
Wee Jakey Jinky rins roon the toon
Deliverin the papers, he’s an affa busy loon

He’s chappin at the front yett
An on the windae pane
Here’s yer bairnies’ comics
Takk them in afore the rain!


30. Tae Embro

Tae Embro, tae Embro at Festival Time
There’s ice cream an pokey hats...staun in the line!
There’s dauncers an puppeteers, mummers sae rare
There’s buskers an drummers in the open air

Tae Embro tae Embro tae climm Arthur’s seat
For Arthur’s awa..takk the wecht aff yer feet
An play hide an seek, or a wee game o bools
Or veesit the castle an see Scotlan’s jewels!


31. The Mink

I’m a mink, I’m a mink
An I hate a sink
Soapie Watter gars me cowk
I’ve a plook on ma snoot
An ma lugs grow fruit
An I pick ma taes an howk

I’m a bogie machine
An I’ve nae bin clean
Since I wis anely three
I fairly hum like a fooshty plumb
I’m as ripe as midden bree

I’m a mink, I’m a mink
An I makk a stink
That could clear a beach or twa
Bit ma best frien Dean
Is a mink frae Gretna Green
As he thinks I’m jist braa


32.The Rescue Brigade

Aloysius, Archie an Pudsey
Sooty an Winnie the Poo
Are huntin the neuks an the crannies
O toy box an garage an zoo
For aa o the run-awa teddies
That’s lost, or forgot, or alane
They find them new ainers an hoosies
Sae aabodies’ happy again!


33. Cluckingham Palace

There is a Saxon steeple
It isna fu o fowk
Its fu o hens an roosters
Fa cluck an flap an howk

They snap up aa their seedies
Fur they lay the Royal eggs
The dyeukies are fair jealous...
Their hames are in the seggs