The Sound Of Your Heart Poem by rezan shadowrey

I walked in with the resolution of one sent
on an unhappy errand
a chore best done quickly.
Your eyes turn to my direction and your gaze
locked my shocked stare in a loveless embrace.
Not being able look away or blink away
the accusations on your rasping breath I bent,
to kiss your pallid cheek hello.
The high steady beeping of the machine signalling
the beat of your treacherous heart
The steady flow of paper from the ECG charting the troughs and crests
of your heart now stabilised beating only as it should...

Wordlessly your hand reached for mine
I mumbled unthought-of excuses to keep myself away from you
as long as I can in this confined space.
Your hand lingering trembling in the space between the hospital bed
and my stiff, stuttering form shamed into reaching out to you
my hand lay in yours, so small and well tended
like a prize bonsai tree while yours so big and ashen gray
and so cold seemed to be a metal caricature of the hand of the silver-back
quite aptly since you too were leader once, protector once, in your very own jungle-
except your zeal brought you to your knees, sapping the vigour of youth
from your once strong hands-
The beeping sound signalling your heartbeat just speeding up
as though it should beat as if there would be no tomorrow...

Hapilly reaching for the button that would bring a nurse to your side
I mistakenly looked at you to see... of you approved?
And your eyes sharpenes suddenly
and I frightfully
presses down hard on the button as your hand turned to a vice
and gripped my hand like a ravenous eagle would gently hold
a rabbit as it swooped into the sky
Releasing the bell losing myself on your pained eyes the colour of honey
so much like flowing gold in the bright fluorescent light
My hand trapped in a prispn of fleshy ice
and the beeping signalling the beat of your heart lost its rhythm
and beeped ever faster in the silence of my nor
screaming while your hand crushed the fragile wren caught
in the frozen meat trap your hand made

No one came and the beeping sound of your heartbeat rose to
a frantic discordant high pitched sound that set my teeth on edge
and your eyes bore a hole into my and saw
all the twisted torment my life with you had become and more.
I could not move to leave, to scream to beg for release
your voice echoing the syllable that had moved me too late
to call the ambulance that had brought you here, momentary hate?
had blinded me to your need, deafened me to your repeated pleas...
tears of pain and shame
flooded my eyes as your strangled breath sighed my name

and the sudden alarm of the machines signalling the sound of your heart not beating