The Story Of Bert The Cook Poem by Nita Strauss

He used to be a chef once
of far and wide flung fame
and now he is an army cook
a blinking lousy game

They shoved him in the mess first
with A.T.S. about
they ruined all the rations
but he was scrubbing out

They shoved him with the spuds then
and left him there to rot
the others done the rations in
who didn't know a lot

Bert dreamed of untold glory
and stripes as well to wear
he dreamed of spotless kitchens
and all his hopes so dear

He finished off his training
to a unit he was sent
and wonder over wonder
to the cookhouse he was lent

The sergeant who was in charge there
gave him a nasty look
and said 'you aint much of a soldier
but can you really cook? '

Bert then came to attention
his eyes grew rather dim
his answer was a question
'Do you think a fish can swim? '

He was left to his pots and pans then
his eyes were shining bright
he started a seven course dinner
with his hands so deft and light

Hors d'oerves were his first thought
and then a soup so clear
and after that the fish course
and roasts and veg to cheer

Well, everything was ready
and Bert he looked so smart
and that's where it happened
and here it broke his heart

An old sweat was the first one
of mess tins he had two
he put the whole damn lot in one
and Bert what did he do

For first of all he fainted
and when he came around
with a face as white as death's own head
he gave a two foot bound

He called the sweat all silly fools
and other things as well
The soldier, he just turned about
and said ' you go to hell'

There was a military funeral
when Bert got laid to rest
he cut his throat with a carving knife
and gave the army best

The moral of this whole affair
it is quite clear to glean
you must teach people walking first
before they learn to swim