Lauren Pandy

Rookie (04/08/1986 / Syracuse, New York)

This Monster Is Me - Poem by Lauren Pandy

My rage is a feral animal that always seems to know exactly when to break free of its confining chains.
My anger is a whirlwind that comes and goes without notice, but the evidence is leaves behind is devastating.
Hurtful words spew out of the bottomless pit before I can stop them.
My two beautiful kaleidoscopes turn ugly and red.
I'm not the one responsible for the harm that is being dealt.
I am imprisoned within an invisible box and I cannot escape.
I am condemned to watch as this monster tears apart my love and my life with its razor sharp fangs and jagged claws.
I scream but no one hears me.
I plead with my captor to show mercy on my love, but it is all in vain, for the monster spitefully ignores me.
I start to feel for a possible door, but it is forever sealed shut.
I kick the walls that I cannot see with ll my strength but it is not enough.
I cannot do it alone.
One person cannot take on all four walls by herself.
There is only one that can help me and that is my love.
Alas, my love is being viciously attacked by this monster, my captor.
I call out to the monster and I ask, 'Why are you doing this? WHY? ? ? '
the monster, without even turning its head, replies, 'Why am I doing this? It is not a question of why I am doing this, but rather why are YOU doing this? '
Puzzled by the turning of the blaming question, I asked another, 'What do you mean? How am I doing this? I am imprisoned in this box forced to watch you harm what I treasure most in my heart! '
The monster replied, 'I am part of you! I am the emotions that you bottle too tightly, but not securely.'
That's when my eyes opened and I saw that this monster greatly resembled me, in every aspect.
This monster is me and I am this monster.
Suddenly, my prison is no more.
My red and ugly eyes begin to fade and become two beautiful kaleidoscopes once more.
The bottomless pit conforms to my red lips.
The whirlwind vanishes as quickly as it appears.
My eyes wander in search of my love.
They stop to rest upon a mangled body.
My heart drops to the ground.
I kneed down to see if there is any life left within him.
I cradle him in my arms, all the while whispering over and over again, 'I'm sorry.'
My tears flow like a river down my cheeks to his saddened face.
The pain in his eyes is too much for me to bear.
Though I have no more tears to shed, I continue to sob, nonetheless.
He takes my hand in his and whispers in my ear, 'I love you.'
I whisper back, 'I love you, too.'
As I lie there with my love in my arms and I in his, calm covers me like a blanket.
I know everything will be ok.

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Poem Submitted: Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Poem Edited: Thursday, June 20, 2013

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