To What Could've Been, Us. Poem by zophia j

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be you.
I wonder if you feel guilt for all you've done.
I wonder if when you go to sleep you regret the day you just lived.
I wonder if you cry after you realize what you lost.
I wonder if you still love me at night.

Sometimes I wonder why you did the things you did.
Why did you tell me you'd wait?
Why didn't you tell me you moved on?
Why couldn't you leave me alone from the start?
Why did you continue this cycle just for me to be hurt again?

Do you feel joy knowing I'm suffering?
Does it make you happy you're the reason I'm cutting, throwing up, crying every night.
Does it fill you with joy knowing that I can't love again?
Does it make you laugh knowing I won't look at guys the same?
Does it satisfy you to know you manipulated me this far?


Does it? Does it really?
Are you happy knowing you're a monster?
Are you proud of that?
Do you like playing with my feelings?
Saying you love me but with what heart?
What moon? What stars will collide for you to care?
What wish do I have to make to get over you?

You hate that I love you, I hate that you made it so I can't stop loving you.
I hate that you made me into something I don't recognize. I hate that I lost all dignity for myself.
I hate that I can't stop thinking of you.
I hate that my life was better before you came into it.
I hate that I can't get that back anymore.

My body feels weird now.
It feels used.
It feels almost broken.
It feels exposed.
It feels nasty.
Any touch I feel, feels wrong.
You made it feel wrong.

Every complement I hear feels fake.
I can't trust anymore.
Not a word out of anyone's mouth feels real.
I overthink every sentence, every word, every punctuation.
Because of your lies.
Because everytime I spoke to you, laughed with you, cried to you.
It always turned into the way you wanted it to go.

You always knew I felt uncomfortable.
You always knew I hated my body.
You always knew how much it took for me to trust you with the things I trusted you with.
I should've never trusted you.
You might be my greatest regret.


If this is ever sent to you, don't reply.
Don't say anything to me.
Just reflect, think about all you've done.
I just ask, don't do this to another girl.
We go through enough alone.
Nobody deserves a *@%%^#(in their life.
Not even someone as a ^$%*@ deserves that.
We deserved better.