mandy williams

To When Is It Their Decision

To when do u feel like no one is on your side
to when it feels like they are?
who can u trust, when all the trust turns their backs
when can u make a decision who u can open up to
when u know from the beginning that it's all a bad idea.

I have a repetition in my life, where it is killing me to be open
i have all these people, so i am told, that are here for me, to talk to.
when really all i feel, is them shoving a sock in my mouth.
How can i open up when i get shut down. Like my oh so loved line in one of my poems 'everyone's so willing to look perfect in this mess'
is running through my mind.

I feel like i have hate, but i know it's not that feeling, it must be uncertinatly that i am unaware what they feel towards what i am going through, or more simply, they just can't be bothered bothering, because nothing is changing? is something changing? is it? i tell myself, and say well no, maybe a little..alot soon.

I turn to a page which writes for me, what i am feeling and unable to express, these are my hours where i can foretell what it is that i am really trying to say, but other problems outslip, cos it's real, everyone wants to be part of someone else's problem, why? does it make them feel superior, to give or listen to someone that is at there weakest for them to be at there best? that's such a selfish line, where truth does lie.

I am a wicked being, ohh so badly, i have these temptions when i can't stop telling. I am alone, being inside myself, it's not lonely just only i hear it. It's like reading this and thinking, shit she is a bit insane.

To be a beautiful person, is what i know i am, forgotton in my paint, splashed in bold colour. Everyone see's me but no one values to look. is this a sad story or one that everyone's heard before? don'T ever unestimate the feeling of someone, or neglect what advice you have given, because so many many times, i have been on the recieving end to them comforting them in there lowest times. I knew i couldn't trust you, you being who you are? when can someone take a back seat, and not relate there experiences to mine, i think it clouds your judgement to even see what is happening.

this is for the people that are closest to me, you are the ones that love me most? This is the saddest and almost cryling funny part, that you are the closest, and meant to love...for that word expands to far, that no one knows how to show.

my message is not to judge..and listen only..for your opinions are only that, and when you say you've have had enough, it's a clear indiction that you sinply haven't tryed. pure and simple..YOU HAVEN'T TRYED.

Poem Submitted: Tuesday, June 23, 2009

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