Waking Dreams Poem by Danny Speicher

Alone I sit and ponder why
These tears are returning
For so long I’ve stayed strong
And, now I sit in ruins again

It isn’t a conscious reminiscence of you
That haunts my heart these days
A series of dreams, waking me from my slumber
Starts every day off with a familiar longing

Six dreams, two groups of three each
Three of fond memories of you and I
Three fictional or factual future
Unfamiliar to my soul when I wake

You and I at your parents’ house
Under a starry Arkansas night sky
A brief pause in conversation
Our first kiss

You and I and a ring upon your finger
A beautiful dinner and a glass of wine
A day full of fun, laughter and memories
You upon a crocodile, your silly face

The last day I saw you, although not vivid in life
Comes rushing back to me clearly in sleep
A small argument and a gentle apology
You waving gently “goodbye” at the door

You, older now, no longer innocent or joyous
No longer with dreams or a song on your lips
Sad and downtrodden, it is you, but not you
I hug you and let you cry on my shoulder

You, in a hospital, wires and tubes
You’re crying and I hold your hand
Helpless, but wanting to help
I sit day and night while you cry

You, in a church, laying silently without breath
Friends and family that I recognize mourning
You, laying still, unfazed by their tears
“Hopelessness, hopelessness, how can I go on? ”

Three come in the first wave
Three come to follow
Sometimes the first play alone
Sometimes the second come quickly thereafter

I sit alone in a place that was ours
Trying to make sense of these images
Trying to recollect the ones that I know
Trying to understand the ones I do not

Please, please if you can hear my prayer
Know that I still love you and miss you tonight
Know that I still pray for you when I pray
Please, dear, be careful… Be mindful of your dreams

I can’t bear the sight of those unfamiliar dreams
I’ve never done well when I see you cry
I love you, please don’t forget that I love you
I’m so sorry that I didn’t live up to your hopes

Forgive me
Forgive me
I love you
Please love me

((January 11th,2010))