Walk This City. Poem by John Kipling Lewis

It seems like to different poems or at least a beginning and a end. But I think you need to put in a middle that will tie the two together.

2. This doesn't work. You cannot talk about a significant moment in a poem without showing the reader what it is.

It seems disjointed. I feel the first part is about something different than the second. Perhaps it needs a transition or clarification.