What Is It I Seek? Poem by Glory Sasikala

Therapist I do not need
'cause I introspect
and I introspect this constant need
to get high -
to walk into a mall and splurge on clothes
when there's a wardrobe full;
to eat processed or stale food at a restaurant
when I could cook fresh food at home
for half the price;
the need to party;
the need to run out of the house
or search the refrigerator for what's not there.

What is it I'm seeking?
What's the high?
I look around and know I chose
to be by myself, a deliberate choice
but I look around and see the choice I made
and it takes more and more to get my dopamine levels going
and having successfully shunned family and friends and love,
I now seek a high that does not exist.