When.... Poem by Edgar Alvarez

When....

Rating: 4.3


When i think about those dark peers full eyes
I feel so lost, true, and safe with no lies
When i see you walk i cant help but say
Why cant i be with you so i can everyday
when i remember your amazing smile
I plan on keeping it... even if its for a wile
When you think i just play and pretend
I tell you I'm your true lover and friend
When failure shocks my whole spine
It's only cause i couldn't make you mine
When i found out she blazed
I was very truly amazed
That became a big deal
But didn't change the way i feel
Cause when love goes into my heart
There's only one person who could tear it apart
who? ? ? ....
No clue.....

COMMENTS OF THE POEM
Greenwolfe 1962 29 September 2008

There are words in all your poems who need review so I hope you will do that for the sake of English but I want to talk about your rhymes. They are only fair at best. The structure you use is correct, but you don't get the most out of it. Basically, you are a work in progress. I normally don't say' keep writing' because that doesn't mean anything but in your case that is exactly what you need to do to improve. But do one thing specially. Write what you want to express in phrases not words. GW62

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