Zen Poem by C. K. Young

Its seems
No matter what I do
You wont show your feelings
They dont show true
I advance at a snails pace
To make sure your comfortable
I had to hold back my love
But now Im no longer able
I even met your parents
And had a talk what was serious
Talked about boundries and the future
The future had me curious
And I even went to church with you
Though you knew Im not a man of god
I had to comprimise my beliefs
I felt like a damn clod
I got the whole rhetoric
Non-believers be damned to hell
Had to lie that I was Christian
Just to fit in well
I did all this
Because I love you
Stepped out of my comfort zone
As I hoped you would too
But you took no chances
And guarded yourself
Made me doubt my affection
Made me doubt myself
Was I not loving enough?
Is there something wrong with me?
Or perhaps was it all
Simply not meant to be?
Loving you
Was like loving a wall
No reciprocation or feelings
None at all
And you acted very different with me
When you were among friends
Were you ashamed of me?
Did you want it all to end?
Im doubting myself
On whether I should go
Id rather be with you
Than to be alone
Sadness is familiar to me
Perhaps thats why I stay
A vague familiarity
But everytime I pull away
You try pull me back
You say 'I'll change'
You pull me offtrack
How am I to move on?
When you keep saying stuff like that
Your toying with my hope
Like a ball of yarn to a cat
You need to 'find yourself'
As you say
But I'll have moved on
By that very day
Your killing me
With your contradictions
Confusing my mind
Like some science fiction
You need to grow up
You need to learn to love
You need to learn to express yourself
And what youre thinking of
I dont say this out of spite
Though sometimes thats what it seems
I say it cuz I care
Not because Im mean
Your depression is deep
Emotions have been buried
Healing takes time
But there is no hurry
Accept your depression and sadness
Accept it as a problem
Then and only then
Can you ever hope to solve them
Tell your parents, tell your sisters
Dont keep it inside
Conflicting emotions
Are sure to collide
You must grow
With or without me
At the pace things are going
It seems its not meant to be
I love you
But it seems thats not enough
The next few years of our lives
Theyre going to be rough
With college and studies
And loans and pressures
Its no wonder theres no love
Inside you to measure
I dont know if you hate me
For the things that Ive said
Sometimes it feels like
Its all in my head
I guess I too
Have been keeping in inside
Maybe thats why you dont trust me
Maybe its why you hide
But eventually
I do let it out
Whether its through poems
Or even frustrated shouts
Maybe you'll find yourself one day
And finally let love in
Finally forget traditions and bullshit
And be human and learn to sin
To live for yourself
And not the expectations of others
And listen to your heart
Instead of that of anothers
I fear we'll have gone
Our seperate ways by then
I hope you find your inner peace
I hope you find your zen