Simon Townsend

I watched a bird having a bath
A lovely sight for certain
Then with a fright she spotted me
And pulled the bathroom curtain.
...

...

...

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater
A book he wanted instead
I wonder if he ever thought
It was the most violent book he'd read.
...

Spare a thought for my dad's mum
Lost on her way to the curry house
Now she is missing
And so is my naan.
...

The Commons Speaker got into a fight
Now look at the state of him.
Eyes to the left
Nose to the right.
...

The doner kebab married the chipolata.
I can't wait to hear
the pitta platter of tiny meat.
...

A crab stole my credit card
It grabbed it with its claws
For me it was chip and pin
For him it was nip and pinch.
...

Never fall asleep with your head under the pillow
You may wake up with no teeth
But lots of money.
...

Eric the Red was a Viking cannibal
He'd never eat an animal
But he could've eaten a Norse.
...

I saw a little leprechaun
To the Irish he was born
He had butter and cheese and herbs on his head
Yes, definitely Gallic bred.
...

I ran away to the circus
A clown I thought I'd be
But I have to agree
Coco was funnier for me
...

I made some bread I didn't want
I'm not surprised
It didn't rise
I didn't knead it.
...

I bought my piggy a radio
But it never really worked.
Too much crackling.
...