It takes a… "special"
Kind of child
To watch movies everyday of his
And come to the conclusion that the United States
Only New York and Los Angeles
- Especially when that child lives in Denver.
But that's what I was.
I was that
I had seen so many movies at such a
That I was convinced every single
in some way or form
Or Los Angeles.
Denver must've been a suburb
Or some shit.
This is because
Most movies take place in either
N.Y. or L.A.
In Cinemaland, most nowhere else existed.
Sure, Rocky was from Philadelphia,
Which is a suburb of New York.
I knew this because it looked cold
All that hot breath boiling from
DieHard 2 took place in Chicago
Which was just another word for New York
Like Queens, or Brooklyn or Manhattan or The Bronx or Staten Island
Or Long Island
What with the accents and all
It seemed pretty obvious to six-year-old me.
But as I got older
I eventually realized that New York and L.A.
Didn't constitute the entirety of the United States of America.
Everything worth making a movie about
Only takes place in L.A. or N.Y.
Nothing exciting happens much
Somebody made a movie about Fargo
But I didn't watch it
Because obviously nothing happens in that movie
Because nothing happens outside of New York or L.A.
Must be a movie about people sitting around
Having mundane conversations
As they read the newspaper
And watch the nightly news.
Maybe one of them is "funny looking".
I've lived in Colorado my whole life.
I've never been visited by an alien
Whose neck extended when he pee'd.
Or alien robots who transform into slick versions
General Motors sports cars.
The mob doesn't have much of a presence here.
Eastern European terrorists
Have never taken a Christmas party
Full of yuppies hostage
And blown up a building
While trying to steal some bonds
and no scientists running around
with nuclear-powered backpack
Trying to catch them.
No killer robots from the future
travel back in time to Colorado
to save the future of the species.
Or, at least I haven't heard about it.
Sometimes people fall in love here… I suppose.
They live and die.
I once saw a story on the news about
A man who risked his own
To save a child who
Was drowning in a frozen lake
Somewhere south of Denver.
I personally know a bunch of alcoholics
And drug addicts.
So that sort of stuff happens around here.
I went to college
And found it a mostly miserable
I met several people who had nervous breakdowns.
Although now aliens have landed here
That I know about
There is a sizeable population
Who chase after UFOs.
Someone is fired
I'm sure of it.
Divorce. Disease. Disasters of all kinds.
I once saw a news report of a couple of
Who had survived several hours
Buried underneathan avalance.
I've met too many girls
Who have been sexually assaulted.
I've met a couple of people who have been kidnapped.
Both the victim and the offender have their story to tell.
For a couple of years
I worked in a halfway house.
So I know that people commit crimes
And end up in prison around these parts.
I'm sure they all had all the crimes
They'd probably watched too many
And the crime was a "sure-thing."
Some of them were successful criminals for awhile.
Drug dealers mostly
Although most drug dealers don't make the kind of money
They'd like for you to believe.
Most were petty criminals.
someone at school gets bullied.
a couple of boys shot up a school.
Killed some of their classmates.
Things like that happen around
Nothing to make a movie about.
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