Charlie's Eulogy - Poem by Mike Acker
Charlie (November 11,2002- April 1,2079)
Only my wife and I are here tonight.
Charlie's family, none of whom
wanted to be here this evening,
asked me to give the eulogy.
I didn't know Charlie very well,
but the numbers are just coming in
on the main screen and here we go:
Charlie consumed just over 25,000 tons of food,
pissed away just under 70,000 gallons of urine,
excreted just over 12,000 pounds of excrement,
breathed just under 284,000,000 liters of air,
fornicated just under 5,000 times,
created just over 126,00 pounds of garbage,
dirtied just under 2,000,000 gallons of water,
and close to 150 trees were felled just for Charlie,
not including this casket to my right.
He had no wife or children and at the time
of his death had no friends. In short,
Charlie died a lonely, and miserable SOB.
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