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A fascinating nature study into these pecking, squawking ruffled
feathered beaky nosed creatures.
1) Great Tit:
Changes due to the season to Blue Tit, particularly when it's cold and
her one inch long dress spills out her melon mound. This is generally
an unattractive bird with yellow dyed straw feathers, and extremely
common and ten a penny. Common in beer gardens, park benches and those
delightful tough pubs where gap toothed diseased faced men lurch and
spend a penny, ten a penny again, right in front of you on the
floor.
The female builds in any crevice or hole, but prefers to have her hole
built into on repeated occasions by different hole pluggers. She lays
eight to thirteen eggs all by different fathers. Her beak is sharp,
pointy and nosey and she is obsessed by shoes with several straps in
white. The Great Tit's not great tits are a surgically enhanced 42DD,
and swing like pendulums hypnotising the Great Mr. Tit, a close cropped
headed tough bird who wears white trainers and laughs at girls who are
pretty.
2) (Thick as two planks of) Wood Pigeon
Columba Palumbus, to give it its Latin name, or as it is more commonly
known as Shittus Verminus. This common brown tanned bird hates the
countryside and loves the city as she smokes so much it doesn't matter
what other shit she inhales and has lungs like over smoked mackerel.
Allegedly tame but can raise their wings and rapidly take off in hordes
at footballers and cheap hamburgers.
Pigeons are the only birds who keep their heads down as they drink.
This is useful as they don't have to waste precious sizzling time
raising their heads to tip lager down their throats. In copious gangs
they shit on anyone refined and attractive verbally and physically,
whilst cackling and cooing over their common brood- mini shit throwers,
shit instead of shit. Can look grey at times due to fag and booze
combo.
Have inane beady eyes and stare blankly unblinking and flock to
Torremolenos in the summer to shit on the locals. Should be ringed only
round their neck and mass extermination is advised to stop these second
rate gossip shoe obsessed all alike common birds from
multiplying.
Common birds series? Maddock 2
3) (Dragged through a) Hedge Sparrow
Not actually a true sparrow, but a song bird who gets up at Karaoke
sessions at the pubs where other common birds go and squawks their way
through 'seminal' classics like 'Crazy' and 'I'm Every Woman'. You are,
dears, because you are common. It seeks insects in bushes and flutters
its wings to disturb the crawlies. It disturbs them with its over
permed gelled hair, big earrings and gold jewellery.
It makes a nest in piles of wood that cost? 30,000 from the Council,
with its six babies, succession of dirty men sparrows and bags of
chips/coke cans. Little common and annoying plus very dull and boring,
these birds are not really suitable to watch through field glasses as
they are too small and cruddy.
jasmine maddock
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