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James James

(1949 / Welsh Australian)

Cooking Rhino Stew


Saute water in a pot, bring gently to the boil
Simmer just a little while, add splash of diesel oil
For colour add ten daffodils, a cup of jelly beans
Then stir in six goanna eggs and seven aubergines

Now set to cool and have a glass of vino red or white
Then add some dessicated goat, and stir with all your might.
Wait just a bit to moisturise, (still stirring all the while)
Remember all your yuppy friends, add cup of chamomile.

Turn the heat up, just a touch, allow the stew to thicken
Add more water, pinch of salt, and forty legs of chicken.
Now this is brewing, nice and slow, it's time to bone the rhino
But first, to still those nervous hands, sip just a bit more wino.

Now...... take the rhino by the tail, and quickly turn it over
But if it barks or tries to bite, you're drunk, you've picked up Rover.
So start again and pierce skin, but if it's hard to skewer
It's out of date, so choose again, and find one two years newer.

So now then with one mighty leap, you have the rhino boneless
You slice it into bite size chunks, fat free and nearly foamless (?)
Season well with tumeric, some garlic, mint and pepper
Then set aside for seven days, to marinade more better.

Meanwhile...in the cooking pot, allow the stew to rest
Then add three ferrets and a goose, a lemon tree for zest.
Fold gently in, a kangaroo, a muskrat and a sable
Stir clockwise with a wooden spoon, and anti with a ladle.

At last it's time to add the meat from rhino set aside
Excitement builds magnificent, as in the pot it slides
Now boil 2 weeks on greenhouse gas, while stirring every day
And then enjoy the Bon Repast, washed down with chardonnay.

Submitted: Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Edited: Saturday, November 20, 2010

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Comments about this poem (Cooking Rhino Stew by James James )

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  • Sally Carter (6/17/2009 11:45:00 AM)

    This made me laugh out loud - brilliant. I will be checking out more of your offerings, that's for sure. (Report) Reply

  • Will Barber (2/26/2007 1:30:00 AM)

    You stole my recipe. Shame!

    Well, a few ingredients were different, and I don't even believe you boned a rhino. Perhaps I am misinformed, but I believe that all vertebrates (except those imported by the Brits) in Australia are marsupials. No disrespect to the Aborigines is implied, I forgot about the Abos.

    We have only one marsupial species in Texas. It's very ugly, and makes bad eating.

    This is such a disgusting poem that I've added it to my 'favorites' list. - Will (Report) Reply

  • Patti Masterman (12/28/2006 9:23:00 AM)

    My how I love this! ! It's simply wonderful fun.
    Don't put Rover in the pot by accident! I'll be laughing
    all day at this one. (Report) Reply

Read all 5 comments »

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